Validation Vantage Point

Validation Vantage Point

by Clover Noel, LMFT

My best friend and I were hiking when we reached a beautiful vantage point at the mountaintop. We could see the various canyons below, as well as the city lights coming on in the valley. I pointed my telescope towards the city lights when I saw something in the streets below that hurt my heart. I said, “Oh, that’s so sad. That really hurts my heart.” My friend responded, “What are you talking about? This is great!” I turned to look at him and saw that he had his telescope pointed at the stars that were just coming out. We were standing at the same spot of the mountain but experiencing two totally different things. It was in that moment I realized that what I was longing for was for him to look through my telescope.

Validation can be compared to looking through each other’s telescopes. It’s seeing what the other person is seeing. It’s hearing the other person’s experience. It’s coming to understand their perspective and empathizing with the emotion expressed. In our most meaningful relationships, the key to effective communication and connection is validation.

There are some common misconceptions when it comes to validation. To clarify:

• Validation is not agreeing with the person.

• Validation is not returning with a ‘fix it’ response. More often than not, people want to be heard and understood rather than corrected.

• Furthermore, it is not sharing “I’ve been there and so I know what you’re experiencing.” That response would be like bringing the focus back to your own telescope rather than exploring their telescope and experience.

Validation is exploring another person’s experience and empathizing with the emotion. It might sound something like:

• “I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through.”

• “I can see how (insert emotion expressed) that would be.”

• “That would be really hard.”

• “That sounds really overwhelming.”

• “Tell me if I have it correct. What I’m hearing you say is, my statement was very hurtful towards you and it is not the first time you have felt this way.”

• “Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. You feel like you don’t matter, your feelings don’t matter, and you have built up a lot of resentment. Is that it?”

In conflict, there is nothing so disarming and unifying as validation. When we take turns looking through each other’s telescopes, it allows us to see a bigger picture and we attain greater clarity of the situation. In addition, when we feel understood, we can put down our protective armor and look through each other’s telescopes rather than whacking each other with them.

Genuine validation fosters an environment of emotional safety and cultivates a deeper level of understanding and meaningful connection. It generates the golden opportunity of allowing loved ones to feel heard and understood, and that they matter and are valued. Truly, the optimal vantage point in communication is validation.

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Clover Noel is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic. She serves her clients with diligence, compassion, and grace. Clover believes everyone is on a journey, and she considers it an honor and privilege to help clients along their journey of healing and well-being.
To schedule an appointment, email clover@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.

Connecting Talk

Connecting Talk:
A Path to Deeper Connection

by Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT, CEFT

“Hey, are you doing ok? I noticed you’ve been a bit quiet. I’m here if you want to talk...”  This is an example of what we call “Connecting Talk,” which is a style of communication that invites closeness, greater understanding, and moments of comfort and clarity. When couples move into a style of communication that is connecting, the conversation tends to move to a deeper level. Healthy communication is one of the most important elements of human relationships, and when relationships suffer, you can be certain Connecting Talk is absent and unhealthy patterns have taken hold.

Connecting Talk encourages emotional connection, and this deeper connection is much more likely as each partner is open to a more intimate awareness of both their own and their partner’s experience. When couples use Connecting Talk, they share a fuller range of information: feelings, desires, deeper aspects of self and their partner’s experience, as well as exploring unmet needs together. The challenge is that Connecting Talk requires vulnerability and authenticity, which in turn requires courage and lots of practice.

Positive Impact of Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk prompts the couple to investigate and understand each other’s experience. When couples practice and improve on Connecting Talk, the relationship flourishes, and there are multiple benefits both personally and relationally. The couple is more likely to find acceptance and to take accountability for their own actions and influence in the relationship.  They are more likely to disclose information with honesty while feeling an increase in emotional safety. A willingness to be vulnerable sends positive messages to their partner, which increases the likelihood of openness and risk. Most importantly, defensiveness and blame are less likely to cloud the relationship.

The How of Connecting Talk 

 What does Connecting Talk “look like?” The following are specific examples of ways you can incorporate connection in your communication with each other:

• Speaking for yourself and not your partner

• Owning and sharing your own experience

• Identifying difficult emotions

• Sharing complaints without attacking

• Acknowledging differences

• Managing escalating emotions

An example of something you might say to your partner is, “It is hard for me when you say, ‘be ready in 10 minutes’ and you are not ready for another ½ hour.”  Another example would be, “I am really struggling with my job, and I would like to talk to you about making a career change,” or “I am willing to take the kids to the park so you can work on your project.”  A key phrase that works universally is, “I really need your help when...”

Practice Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk requires intentional, thoughtful shifts in your daily communication. Consider setting aside a time to practice with your partner.  Share with each other something about yourself that you may have never shared before. Try to find something to share that is safe but personal.  Some examples would be, (1) A most embarrassing moment; (2) A happy moment you wish you could experience again; or (3) A time when you were afraid or alone.  Share and discuss what it was like to hear about your partner’s experience. What was surprising about the experience?  What was it like to share your memories with your partner?  Incorporate Connecting Talk in your daily communication and notice how it brightens your day and strengthens your relationship with your sweetheart. 

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Family Boundaries

Why ‘Boundary’ isn’t a Bad Word

by Misty DeMann, LMFT

The holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year, and also the hardest, as there is often more time spent with family.  Have you ever found yourself dreading instead of looking forward to the next family gathering?  If so, it may be helpful to look at the boundaries you have in place with your family. 

When you hear the word “boundary” what comes to mind?  Often people will come into my office and say, “I can set boundaries in every other area of my life, but when it comes to family, I feel mean and guilty.”  This is likely because sometimes the word “boundary” is thrown around in the culture and media today as if it is a way to get revenge or exert power.  But that isn’t what boundaries are meant to be, especially with family.  Believe it or not, boundaries can be set in love and can actually improve the quality of our relationships.

Before setting boundaries, it is important to tune into your values:

What is important to me?
What do I want this relationship to look like?
What am I comfortable and uncomfortable with?

Knowing the answers to these questions can lay the foundation for what you want your boundaries to look like and why you are setting them.  If I start a boundary from a place of, “I want this relationship to foster mutual respect and love with less resentment,” I am less likely to feel guilty about setting it because I know that it is congruent with my values.  It comes from a place of love for myself and for the other person. 

When setting a boundary with a family member it is best to be clear and concise so that the boundary is not misunderstood.  Some examples of boundaries that may need to be stated with family members are:

“You are welcome to attend the family party, but only if you are sober.”
“Please stop asking when we are having children, it is putting too much pressure on our relationship.”
“If my child does not want a hug, we will respect their decision.”
“I expect my spouse to be treated with respect or we will have to leave.”
“I appreciate your input, but I have made my decision.”
“I will no longer be the middle person in family arguments.”

Lastly, hold your ground.  It is not uncommon for family members to object or even protest when you try to set a boundary.  Remember your values and hopes for the relationship.  Hold the boundary and they will come to accept it or fall into the rightful place in your life.  And remember,

“Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by choosing what you will and won't accept." -Anna Taylor

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Taylor, A. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/287131.Anna_Taylor

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"I'm Not Mad!"

“I’M NOT MAD!”
The critical role of anger in the healing process.

by Ben Kroff, LMFT

I was getting destroyed by my brother. There was nothing I could do to return his quick hits, impossible spins, and relentless assaults. I was going to lose again. He was simply a more skilled and experienced ping-pong player than I was. I was quickly losing my composure, my mind, my body, and my emotions were unraveling under the distress of trying to compete against an older and more accomplished opponent.

Noticing my increasing despair and frustration, my brother began laughing. “Ha ha, you’re getting mad.” In my 15 year-old cockiness, I denied his assertion. “I’m not mad,” I calmly replied, trying to maintain a cool, collected exterior. I wasn’t fooling anyone. He could still sense my duress and continued to chuckle as I would make increasing expressions of anger about my impending demise.

I was afraid. I was frustrated. I was embarrassed that I was losing, and ashamed of my inferior skills. I wondered if I would ever be as good as him, or if I should ever attempt to play this stupid game again. I questioned why I was so gullible as to agree to engage in this exercise of futility in the first place. I began to question my life’s decisions, and even my worth as person. Why did I decide to enter into a relationship where I am now feeling beaten, embarrassed and inadequate?

That is what was really happening. Those were the difficult emotions that I was feeling swirling around in my head and heart, and literally coursing through my veins (or my nervous system, to be more scientifically accurate). That is what I was feeling. But how would I know that, let alone express that in the heat of battle? All I could say to my brother in response to his astute observation is, “I’M NOT MAD!”

Being “mad” or feeling anger is a secondary emotion. It is a response to a primary emotion, or a deeper emotion. When we are feeling or expressing anger, we are experiencing a response to pain. When we stub a toe we yell out in pain; we feel angry that we are hurt. We respond the same way to emotional pain. We may feel embarrassed, lonely, forgotten, rejected, dismissed, overlooked, unloved, left out, confused, etc., and we respond by getting angry.

It is often hard to recognize those deeper, softer, primary emotions, but it is easy to recognize anger. This is why anger is so important! Anger sends up a red flag. It tells us, “Hey, I’m hurt!” When we can notice anger for what it is — a pain response — we can pause, be curious, discover the deeper primary emotion that is hurt, and begin to heal.

To learn more about these important secondary or deeper emotions, and learn how to use anger to discover pain and begin healing, call and schedule with me today.

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Ben is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic. He specializes in working with struggling teens, young adults, and families. With a background of serving youth in custody, Ben has successfully helped clients deal with addiction, aggression, decision making, relationship management, and self-esteem. In addition to Emotionally Focused Therapy, he is experienced in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Aggression Replacement Training.
To schedule an appointment, email ben@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.

The Eyes of a Withdrawer

Seeing the World through the Eyes of a Withdrawer

by Ed Peterson, LCSW

In intimate romantic relationships, a couple is usually made up of one person who tends to pursue, we call the Pursuer, and one person who tends to withdraw, we call the Withdrawer. In this article I will delve into how the withdrawers see the world.

When there is conflict in the relationship, the Withdrawer tends to move away from the situation by getting quiet or shutting down. These Withdrawers usually have an avoidant attachment style which causes them to move away from intimacy and conflict.

Master EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) therapist Lori Schade says this of the Avoidant attachment style:

An attachment style in which individuals tend to suppress or deactivate their own emotional needs from others and instead rely on themselves, giving them the tendency to avoid closeness in personal relationships. 

When there is conflict the Pursuer tends to get louder or bigger or critical, which has the effect on the Withdrawer to react in the way of the avoidant. The words we often hear from Withdrawers when they describe what happens to them when there is conflict are that they feel anxiety in their bodies, which often shows up in a tight chest or upset stomach. The feelings reported are often shame or sadness or anger. The meaning that they make from the actions of the Pursuer is often that they are getting it wrong or that they messed up or that they should be quiet and withdraw so as not to make the situation worse. 

This reaction by the Withdrawer usually causes the Pursuer to feel more anxious or angry. 

So, we can see the dilemma for the Withdrawer. When the Pursuer comes forward with demands or anger, what they want is a reaction or some type of engagement from the Withdrawer. But everything in the Withdrawer’s body and mind pushes him/her to shut down and move away from the situation or take emotions inside and not engage. 

EFT couples therapy addresses this kind of a cycle and helps Withdrawers come back to the relationship and engage with the Pursuers. It takes time, but there is great hope that these negative cycles can turn into productive communication, and that the Withdrawer can learn to share emotional experiences and no longer feel like a failure or someone who cannot meet the emotional needs of the Pursuer. 

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