Resentment
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Why do I Resent my Partner?
by Michelle Pomeroy, LMFT
Have you ever felt resentment toward your significant other? Resentment is an awful feeling. It can feel like a gut punch simmering at a low boil. Have you ever wondered where it comes from?
Like many other emotions, resentment has roots in unmet and often unspoken relationship needs. What are relationship needs? Every human being has relationship needs. We are born into this world as individuals whose survival depends on a safe connection with caregivers. Those same basic needs, to feel cared for, nurtured and safe stay with us throughout life. We carry those needs with us from the cradle to the grave.
Though they vary some, most individuals experience similar relationship needs. Some examples of these relationship needs include: feeling like you belong, feeling accepted, feeling valued, being good enough, being respected, being trusted, being seen, feeling understood etc. Some needs are stronger than others and are linked to past experiences, personal identity, and family roles.
So how does this apply to feeling resentful of your significant other? Resentment is one of many common feelings experienced when one or more of these relationship needs are not met. Let’s walk through an example with a fictitious couple.
Carrie and Sawyer are very in love and care for one another deeply. Carrie realizes her deepest relationship longing is to feel understood by Sawyer. Sawyer recognizes how important it is for him to be accepted by Carrie.
Carrie, who wants to be deeply understood, launches into telling Sawyer about every detail of the day. Sawyer in turn feels overwhelmed from the events of the day and doesn’t have the bandwidth to listen and be present. Carrie can tell Sawyer is not really listening to her and is hurt because she is not feeling understood, so she gets upset and criticizes Sawyer for not listening. Sawyer is hurt by Carrie’s criticism because he needs to feel accepted by her. In response he leaves the room.
The couple finds themselves alone and detached which was neither hoped for nor intended. If the couple continues in this pattern, resentment can build and block connection.
3 Questions to ask your partner to discover their relationship needs:
What do you most long for in our relationship?
How do you wish you felt in our relationship?
What 5 words describe our ideal relationship?