Resentment

Why do I Resent my Partner?

by Michelle Pomeroy, LMFT

Have you ever felt resentment toward your significant other? Resentment is an awful feeling. It can feel like a gut punch simmering at a low boil. Have you ever wondered where it comes from?

Like many other emotions, resentment has roots in unmet and often unspoken relationship needs. What are relationship needs? Every human being has relationship needs. We are born into this world as individuals whose survival depends on a safe connection with caregivers. Those same basic needs, to feel cared for, nurtured and safe stay with us throughout life. We carry those needs with us from the cradle to the grave.

Though they vary some, most individuals experience similar relationship needs. Some examples of these relationship needs include: feeling like you belong, feeling accepted, feeling valued, being good enough, being respected, being trusted, being seen, feeling understood etc. Some needs are stronger than others and are linked to past experiences, personal identity, and family roles. 

So how does this apply to feeling resentful of your significant other? Resentment is one of many common feelings experienced when one or more of these relationship needs are not met. Let’s walk through an example with a fictitious couple. 

Carrie and Sawyer are very in love and care for one another deeply. Carrie realizes her deepest relationship longing is to feel understood by Sawyer. Sawyer recognizes how important it is for him to be accepted by Carrie. 

Carrie, who wants to be deeply understood, launches into telling Sawyer about every detail of the day. Sawyer in turn feels overwhelmed from the events of the day and doesn’t have the bandwidth to listen and be present. Carrie can tell Sawyer is not really listening to her and is hurt because she is not feeling understood, so she gets upset and criticizes Sawyer for not listening. Sawyer is hurt by Carrie’s criticism because he needs to feel accepted by her. In response he leaves the room.

The couple finds themselves alone and detached which was neither hoped for nor intended. If the couple continues in this pattern, resentment can build and block connection. 

3 Questions to ask your partner to discover their relationship needs:

1. What do you most long for in our relationship?

2. How do you wish you felt in our relationship?

3. What 5 words describe our ideal relationship?

Grieving the Living

Grieving
the Living: Losing the Attachment We Once Shared with
a Loved One 

by Tracey Bean, LMFT

As I watch the huge tears collect in my daughter’s eyes and drop onto her cheeks after the breakup with her boyfriend, my heart breaks for her. As I empathize with her experience, it reminds me of the feelings I felt when I was grieving the death of a loved one.

My daughter is experiencing “Ambiguous Grief,” which is described as the loss of a relationship with a person who’s still alive accompanied by a change in (or death of) the relationship. These relationships can be romantic or familial, or even a friendship. Romantic relationships may end in divorce or breakup, friendships rupture, and family members become estranged after a falling out. The loss may be particularly painful around holidays, anniversaries, and other family celebrations, when the person’s absence feels especially painful. The pain comes from the fact that our relationships become a part of us, so when we lose the relationship we lose part of ourselves. 

Self-blame and questioning are part of what’s most problematic when mourning the living. How much was I at fault? Could the relationship be mended? Is it worth trying again? It may not even be clear what fractured the relationship. 

If you’re mourning a living person, be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself as much time as you need to process the emotions and expect there to be emotional ups and downs. Human relationships are complex, so expect difficulty when a relationship unravels.

It is important to understand that when you are hurting, you need to surround yourself with people you love, and share with them your experience so they can support you. Writing about your feelings can be very therapeutic; you can even write a letter to the person you’re mourning, without sending it to them.  With so many emotions taking up space in your heart and head, the goal is to let yourself express and understand these emotions. 

One word of caution… resist the urge to check the person’s social media posts. When you see the carefully curated version of their life that they share on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, these posts/photos will usually only distress you.

As I comfort my daughter, I am also aware of the important life lessons she will learn through this experience. These painful experiences teach us about ourselves and others, helps us solidify our values, remind us of our humanity, promote compassion for ourselves and others, teach us the value of forgiveness, and can reveal new insight. Ask yourself what you have learned through this experience and remember there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

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Tracey is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Lehi, Utah, and believes deeply in the therapeutic process. Through improving relationships, one can enhance and improve overall well-being. Tracey’s goal is to help clients obtain deeper intimacy in their relationships and bring joy to their lives. Through hard work and motivation to change, one can achieve a better life experience. Tracey works with couples, families and teens to best navigate through problems and relationship issues such as life-stage transitions, infidelity, remarriage, and mental or behavioral issues in family members. She also works with individuals who struggle with issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, and self-esteem.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Tracey, please call 385-695-5949 or email tracey@theeftclinic.com.

Listening to Understand

Listening to Understand, Not to Reply

by Carolynn Redd-Recksiek, LAMFT

I recently had a friend tell me that I had become such a good listener.  As we chatted, she asked to know what she could do to improve her own ability to listen.  I jokingly thought, “Get a master's degree in Marriage and Family therapy”.   As I’ve thought about what has helped me become a better listener, I give a lot of credit to my training as an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we refer to a couple’s negative cycle.  This refers to the emotional and behavioral responses we show based on our partner's emotions and reactions.  Often, we have very strong emotional responses based on fears, traumas or insecurities.  These are our primary emotions. Because these are hard to feel, we often express these as secondary emotions such as frustration, anger, annoyance, defiance, avoiding or shutting down.  Our secondary emotions are protective, defensive, and take over our thought. This makes it hard to hear and understand our person, as internally, or externally, we are justifying or explaining our position.  This leads to disconnection and a lack of safety in our relationship.

Our goal in EFT is to teach couples how to be a safe base for each other, and to recognize that we all have vulnerabilities, traumas and fears.  When our person brings up an issue, they are wanting to share their own hurt, pain, loneliness, etc., with the hope that they will be met with empathy, understanding, curiosity and love.  They reach out to discuss an issue, essentially asking, “Are you here for me? Do you see me?  Will you accept me?”.  As we take turns actively listening to each other to really hear and understand, the negative cycle changes to a positive cycle which creates safety, security and connection.  The tools I have learned from EFT training have taught me to listen not only to reply, but listen to really hear and understand. 

Below are some simple steps you can take to increase your ability to listen with the purpose of hearing what a person is saying.

• Take a deep breath and slow down.

• Look into your person’s eyes.

• Notice your emotions but wait to share them until your person is done.

• Ensure that you are in a place where you can listen. (It’s ok to say, I’m trying to get out of the door right now and I’m feeling stressed.  I really want to be able to listen carefully to what you are saying, could we talk at this specific time?)

• Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions.

• Use reflective and active listening.  

 Phrases you can use to enhance listening to hear.

• Thank you for sharing this with me.

• I can see how hard this is to talk about.  I’m here for you!

• What was that like for you?

• I bet that was hard for you to experience.

• Let me see if I understand what you’re saying (then repeat what you heard)

• I’m not sure if I’m understanding, could you please repeat or further explain that?

As we better understand our habits and patterns around listening, we can stop listening only to reply, and instead, we can listen to really hear and understand what someone is trying to share and express with us.  It can be difficult learning to listen to hear and understand, but as you apply these tools your connection and relationship with those most important to you in life will improve and bring you greater satisfaction, fulfillment and safety.  

If you feel that you and your person have been stuck in a negative communication cycle, reach out to a trained EFT couples therapist, who can help you create a safe and connecting communication. 

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Relationships: Surviving Worldly Turmoil and Differences in Opinion

Relationships: Surviving Wordly Turmoil and Differences in Opinion

by Danielle Thurman, LMFT

How do our relationships make it through so much worldly turmoil and difference of opinion?

No two people are exactly alike. With a world full of opinions and differences, how do we continue to create connections or come together?

The answer is: Holding Space.

A common goal of couples and family therapy is learning to hold space for one another. What is holding space? It is walking alongside the other person during their life journey no matter what that journey may be. Holding space is about being able to be present in the moment. To fully listen to what the other person is saying, without formulating what to say next. There is no judgement, but rather, trying to see the other person’s side with compassion and kindness. While holding space, we allow the other person to take accountability for their path. We avoid trying to fix them or change the outcome. We open our hearts, and offer love and support. We don’t expect anything in return. This can be very difficult to do when we have experienced trauma or relationship distress. 

Helpful Tip:
Rather than fixating on the words the person is sharing, try to understand what this might emotionally feel like for the person. For example, if they share a different political view than you, understand that they may be worried about upcoming changes and sharing political facts. Try to validate the fear rather than focusing on those details. You may have a different political view, but we have all experienced fear. This helps us to come together and create connections. If we can get deep enough on the issues, most often find there is a fear underneath. A fear of losing people we love. A fear of being understood or valued. We may be using the details or logical parts of the story which disconnect us because we are all different in this place. Underneath, we all have felt fear. This helps our relationships come together rather than disconnect.

Danielle Thurman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic, and is available for sessions in both our Millcreek and Lehi offices, as well as online.
To schedule an appointment, please call or email today.
(385)695-5949 or dani@theeftclinic.com

7 Boundaries for Healthy Relationships and 10 Steps to Keep Them

7 Boundaries for Healthy Relationships
and 10 Steps to Keep Them

By Joanna Alvord, LMFT, MBA

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” 
- Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be 
and Embrace Who You Are

What are boundaries? What comes to your mind when you hear the word “boundaries”? Does it have a positive association, or a negative one? Do you consider “boundaries” as limiting or freeing? Necessary or unnecessary? Many ask, are boundaries even necessary, particularly in this one special and perhaps even I-so-wanna-be-vulnerable-with-this-person? I say, “Yes”, they are necessary. Being loving and vulnerable does not equate being boundary-less. Let me repeat; being loving and vulnerable does not equate being boundary-less. Healthy boundaries should not stifle a healthy relationship, they should let it flourish. Establishing healthy boundaries in a relationship allows both partners to feel comfortable and develop positive self-esteem. 

Here are top 7 boundaries I recommend you focus on:

1.       What you expect from the relationship

2.       What you will tolerate emotionally

3.       Your financial preferences 

4.       Your sexual preferences

5.       Your attitudes towards family and friends 

6.       Your activities and hobbies 

7.       The importance of your dreams

There a lot of misconceptions about what boundaries are and what they do for your relationships. Boundaries are essential not only to your healthy relationship, but also, to your healthy life. And trust me, they are not rigid constrictions intended to suffocate your precious relationship. Boundaries can, should, and do change as your relationship progresses. And this is why discussing them with your partner periodically is so important. Know where you stand and let your partner know.

So, you might ask, how do I set healthy boundaries? Here is what Dr. Dana Gionta suggests:

1.       Name your limits. Communicate what you can and cannot tolerate.

2.       Tune into your feelings. Pay attention to your discomfort and try to answer what is causing it.

3.       Be direct. Talk about how much time you need to maintain your sense of self and how much time you want to spend together.

4.       Give yourself permission. Pay special attention to feelings of guilt, shame, fear, self-doubt. Boundaries are about self-respect, so give yourself permission to set them.

5.       Practice self-awareness. Again, tune into your feelings and honor them. Explore your options.

6.       Consider your past and present. Where we come from and how those relationship functioned are vital to how we tend to act, and what our emotional needs are.

7.       Make self-care a priority. Put yourself first. Honor your feelings. As Gionta says “When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend”.

8.       Seek support. Friends, family, support groups, therapy, published resources are all good options. 

9.       Be assertive. Follow through. People are not mind readers. It is important to communicate with your partner that they have crossed the boundary, and then work together to address it.

10.   Start small. Assertive communication takes practice. Start with something that is not overwhelming.

So, next time you feel pressured to break your boundaries, know that all healthy relationships have boundaries. And, remember that setting boundaries takes courage, and courage is a skill we can master. One last thing I would like to mention is, do follow through, know when it’s time to move on. Remember, you can only share how you desire to be treated in this relationship, and you can’t make yourself responsible for your partner’s feelings or communication. You deserve respect. If your partner can’t respect your boundaries, then it may be time to consider ending the relationship. 

Healthy boundaries don’t come easy, but if you stay open, trust your instincts, and communicate with your partner and you both are engaged and invested, the relationship can only get stronger as it progresses.

Tartakovsky, M. (2018). 10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 20, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

Joanna Alvord is a Marriage and Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City, Utah, and is currently accepting new clients. Email joanna@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949 to schedule an appointment.