Five Steps to Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice
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Five Steps to Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice
by Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT
We all possess an inner critic or “critical inner voice.” We experience this “voice” as a negative internal commentary on who we are and how we behave.
Common critical inner voices include:
“You’re ugly.”
“You’re so stupid.”
“You’re fat.”
“There’s something wrong with you.”
“You’re different from other people.”
Step 1: Identify Your Inner Critic
Using a sheet of paper, divide the page into 3 equal columns. Label the 1st column, “Inner Critic.” Label the middle column, “Doubting Self,” and label the 3rd column, “Deeper, Wiser Self.”
One way to help you differentiate from your critical inner voice is to write these thoughts down in the second person (as “you” statements). Under the column labeled “Inner Critic,” write the specific thoughts that automatically come at times when you are self-critical. For example, a thought like “I can’t get anything right. I’ll never be successful” should be written as “You can’t get anything right. You’ll never be successful.” This will help you see these thoughts as an alien point of view and not as true statements. Notice how hostile this internal enemy can be. Continue to fill out the column with as many statements as possible.
Try to identify what your critical inner voice is telling you. Acknowledge that this thought process is separate from your real point of view. Remember that your critical inner voice is not a reflection of reality. It is a viewpoint you adopted based on destructive early life experiences and attitudes directed toward you that you’ve internalized as your own point of view.
Step 2: Doubting Self
In the middle column, you will write: “Yup!” and leave the entire column blank other than this statement of agreement. This suggests that the Doubting Self has no voice, and only agrees with the Inner Critic voice. This also reinforces the power of these two “selves” as two inner voices against your Deeper, Wiser Self. The feeling of being “outnumbered” by the two negative selves causes us to feel weakened, powerless, and robbed of self-confidence.
Step 3: Deeper, Wiser Self
In the 3rd column you labeled “Deeper, Wiser Self,” write down statements about your true self. What do you know about you? What do people say about you that makes you feel good about yourself? What are some things that you know you do well, but you may be reluctant to acknowledge openly? Use first person statements such as, “I am a kind person,” or “I love to serve others.” Another example would be “I am a loyal friend.” As you write the statements you might feel awkward or even embarrassed to acknowledge and write down these statements, however, this is likely due to the fact that your Inner Critic voice has become so dominant and has caused you to discount your true gifts as a human being.
To further expand on this exercise, begin to respond to your inner critic by writing down a more realistic and compassionate evaluation of yourself. Write these responses in the first person (as “I” statements). In response to a thought like, “You’re such an idiot,” you could write, “I may struggle at times, but I am smart and competent in many ways.” This exercise isn’t meant to build you up or boost your ego but to show a kinder, more honest attitude toward yourself.
Step 4: Your Inner Critic’s Lease Is Up—Time to Evict!!
Your Inner Critic took up residence long ago… it is now time to evict that inner voice and refuse to allow any credibility, value or attention to be given to that voice. This process takes power away from the Inner Critic voice and allows your Deeper, Wiser Self to emerge and take back power.
Step 5: Don't Act on Your Inner Critic
Because the Inner Critic voice has become so familiar, you will be tempted to act on that voice. When you hear that negative voice, face the voice with the following formula:
STOP!!
Slow down…
Evaluate the message—does the message empower my deeper, wiser self, or does the message make me feel sad, worthless, hopeless?
Remember not to act on the directives of your inner critic. Take actions that represent your own point of view, who you want to be and what you aim to achieve. Your critical inner voice may get louder, telling you to stay in line or not to take chances.
Summary:
This is a very difficult exercise, and you will be tempted to give credence to the Inner Critic because that voice has become so familiar to you. Sometimes it is helpful to share this process with a trusted friend or loved one. Let them know you are embarking on this difficult journey, and that you need their help to remind you of who you really are. The process of identifying, separating from, and acting against this destructive thought process, you will grow stronger, while your inner critic grows weaker and eventually slips into silence.