Listening to Understand

/ The EFT Clinic/
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Listening to Understand, Not to Reply

by Carolynn Redd-Recksiek, LAMFT

I recently had a friend tell me that I had become such a good listener.  As we chatted, she asked to know what she could do to improve her own ability to listen.  I jokingly thought, “Get a master's degree in Marriage and Family therapy”.   As I’ve thought about what has helped me become a better listener, I give a lot of credit to my training as an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we refer to a couple’s negative cycle.  This refers to the emotional and behavioral responses we show based on our partner's emotions and reactions.  Often, we have very strong emotional responses based on fears, traumas or insecurities.  These are our primary emotions. Because these are hard to feel, we often express these as secondary emotions such as frustration, anger, annoyance, defiance, avoiding or shutting down.  Our secondary emotions are protective, defensive, and take over our thought. This makes it hard to hear and understand our person, as internally, or externally, we are justifying or explaining our position.  This leads to disconnection and a lack of safety in our relationship.

Our goal in EFT is to teach couples how to be a safe base for each other, and to recognize that we all have vulnerabilities, traumas and fears.  When our person brings up an issue, they are wanting to share their own hurt, pain, loneliness, etc., with the hope that they will be met with empathy, understanding, curiosity and love.  They reach out to discuss an issue, essentially asking, “Are you here for me? Do you see me?  Will you accept me?”.  As we take turns actively listening to each other to really hear and understand, the negative cycle changes to a positive cycle which creates safety, security and connection.  The tools I have learned from EFT training have taught me to listen not only to reply, but listen to really hear and understand. 

Below are some simple steps you can take to increase your ability to listen with the purpose of hearing what a person is saying.

  • Take a deep breath and slow down.

  • Look into your person’s eyes.

  • Notice your emotions but wait to share them until your person is done.

  • Ensure that you are in a place where you can listen. (It’s ok to say, I’m trying to get out of the door right now and I’m feeling stressed.  I really want to be able to listen carefully to what you are saying, could we talk at this specific time?)

  • Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions.

  • Use reflective and active listening.  

 Phrases you can use to enhance listening to hear.

  • Thank you for sharing this with me.

  • I can see how hard this is to talk about.  I’m here for you!

  • What was that like for you?

  • I bet that was hard for you to experience.

  • Let me see if I understand what you’re saying (then repeat what you heard)

  • I’m not sure if I’m understanding, could you please repeat or further explain that?

As we better understand our habits and patterns around listening, we can stop listening only to reply, and instead, we can listen to really hear and understand what someone is trying to share and express with us.  It can be difficult learning to listen to hear and understand, but as you apply these tools your connection and relationship with those most important to you in life will improve and bring you greater satisfaction, fulfillment and safety.  

If you feel that you and your person have been stuck in a negative communication cycle, reach out to a trained EFT couples therapist, who can help you create a safe and connecting communication.