What Are Boundaries, and Do I Need Them?

What Are Boundaries, and Do I Need Them?

by Carina Wolf, LCSW

Lately, the topic of boundaries has come up quite frequently with my clients. The dictionary defines a boundary as “a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something.” 

In plain and simple English, a boundary is what is ok and not ok to you. There is not rule of what you should find to be ok and acceptable. This is one of the beauties of creating and setting boundaries… it is totally up to you. 

Boundaries are created to keep us safe, whether it is emotionally safe, physically safe or psychologically safe. When we feel safe we have a greater chance to feel self-love and self-compassion. 

I often hear people say that they are afraid of setting boundaries because they don’t want to offend other people or don’t want other people to be mad at them. The worry about being liked is greater than having their needs being met! But people in this situation can also be left resentful, frustrated, angry and upset with people they deem to be breaking their boundaries. But guess what? People can’t break your boundaries if they haven’t been set! And they can’t break boundaries if they are not aware of them. Setting boundaries looks like anything from saying no to a request to being very clear and overt to what boundary you are trying to set.

Here are some words you can use when setting a boundary:

“No, thanks for asking.”

“I can’t this time, thanks for considering me.”

“I won’t be able to attend this function/event, thank you for inviting me.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t allow people to speak to me this way.”

“I don’t allow people to treat me this way.”

Boundaries are not requests. They are statements that are not left open for negotiation. Once you set the boundaries, the other person(s) might try to break them because your boundaries do not serve them. One of the key components of setting boundaries is that you are the only person responsible to uphold them. Your boundaries are not the other person’s responsibility to keep and hold. When you have set your boundaries, and feel that they are being violated, it is your job and no one else’s to reinforce them. It might take some getting used to and you might have to reinforce them a few times before the other person receives the message that you are not moving your boundaries for them. Once again, you set the boundaries and you uphold them!

Ultimately, boundaries are about respect. Respect for yourself, your time and your well being. Nothing can be sustained for a long period of time without boundaries.

 __________

Online Reference: www.dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/boundary.

Carina Wolf is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Carina, please call (385-695-5949) or email carina@theeftclinic.com.