Family Boundaries

Why ‘Boundary’ isn’t a Bad Word

by Misty DeMann, LMFT

The holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year, and also the hardest, as there is often more time spent with family.  Have you ever found yourself dreading instead of looking forward to the next family gathering?  If so, it may be helpful to look at the boundaries you have in place with your family. 

When you hear the word “boundary” what comes to mind?  Often people will come into my office and say, “I can set boundaries in every other area of my life, but when it comes to family, I feel mean and guilty.”  This is likely because sometimes the word “boundary” is thrown around in the culture and media today as if it is a way to get revenge or exert power.  But that isn’t what boundaries are meant to be, especially with family.  Believe it or not, boundaries can be set in love and can actually improve the quality of our relationships.

Before setting boundaries, it is important to tune into your values:

What is important to me?
What do I want this relationship to look like?
What am I comfortable and uncomfortable with?

Knowing the answers to these questions can lay the foundation for what you want your boundaries to look like and why you are setting them.  If I start a boundary from a place of, “I want this relationship to foster mutual respect and love with less resentment,” I am less likely to feel guilty about setting it because I know that it is congruent with my values.  It comes from a place of love for myself and for the other person. 

When setting a boundary with a family member it is best to be clear and concise so that the boundary is not misunderstood.  Some examples of boundaries that may need to be stated with family members are:

“You are welcome to attend the family party, but only if you are sober.”
“Please stop asking when we are having children, it is putting too much pressure on our relationship.”
“If my child does not want a hug, we will respect their decision.”
“I expect my spouse to be treated with respect or we will have to leave.”
“I appreciate your input, but I have made my decision.”
“I will no longer be the middle person in family arguments.”

Lastly, hold your ground.  It is not uncommon for family members to object or even protest when you try to set a boundary.  Remember your values and hopes for the relationship.  Hold the boundary and they will come to accept it or fall into the rightful place in your life.  And remember,

“Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by choosing what you will and won't accept." -Anna Taylor

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Taylor, A. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/287131.Anna_Taylor

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Assertiveness

You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Feelings

by Mallorie Sorce, LMFT

Many people confuse Assertiveness with Aggression. They assume that standing up for themselves or having a different opinion comes off as being rude or cocky. Assertiveness is defined as “having or showing a confident or forceful personality,” while Aggression is defined as “hostile or violent behavior or attitudes toward another; readiness to attack or confront.” Being assertive is based on mutual respect, it says to the other person, “I hear you; however, I have a different perception.” Aggression says, “I am trying to scare or force you into seeing my perspective only.” 

Being assertive helps you stand up for yourself and express yourself in a way that you can be heard by others without them becoming defensive. It also helps you earn respect from others and builds a positive sense of self. If you are someone who has trouble saying no, which often leaves you resentful or in a bind, learning to be assertive can help relieve this stress. 

You may be asking, “But how do I become assertive?” Great question! It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. For instance, being assertive is being direct and to the point, while also maintaining respect for the person to whom you’re speaking. First, reflect on how you normally interact with others. Are you quick to defend yourself? Do you find yourself giving in to people when, in fact, you really don’t want to? Do you change your opinion in hopes of not making waves with the person to whom you’re speaking? Or are you overly aggressive and find that others are constantly upset with you? 

Once you determine the way you interact with others, it is important to think about the message you really want to send. Using “I” statements can help by avoiding sounding accusatory. For instance, try saying, “I could really use some help around the house,” rather than, “you never help around the house.” If you have a different opinion, try saying, “I can see where you’re coming from, but I disagree.” Additionally, if you are someone who has trouble saying no, remember that we all have the right to say no and we are not responsible for other’s feelings about this. Be direct and don’t apologize. If an explanation is necessary, keep it brief. 

Keep in mind that becoming assertive can take time. Remember to start small, practice beforehand, and act confident even if you aren’t feeling it. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Above all else, remember that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You’ll be surprised how good it feels to honor and express yourself more often!

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Mayo Clinic (2020, May 29). Being Assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better. Mayo Clinic.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644

What Are Boundaries, and Do I Need Them?

What Are Boundaries, and Do I Need Them?

by Carina Wolf, LCSW

Lately, the topic of boundaries has come up quite frequently with my clients. The dictionary defines a boundary as “a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something.” 

In plain and simple English, a boundary is what is ok and not ok to you. There is not rule of what you should find to be ok and acceptable. This is one of the beauties of creating and setting boundaries… it is totally up to you. 

Boundaries are created to keep us safe, whether it is emotionally safe, physically safe or psychologically safe. When we feel safe we have a greater chance to feel self-love and self-compassion. 

I often hear people say that they are afraid of setting boundaries because they don’t want to offend other people or don’t want other people to be mad at them. The worry about being liked is greater than having their needs being met! But people in this situation can also be left resentful, frustrated, angry and upset with people they deem to be breaking their boundaries. But guess what? People can’t break your boundaries if they haven’t been set! And they can’t break boundaries if they are not aware of them. Setting boundaries looks like anything from saying no to a request to being very clear and overt to what boundary you are trying to set.

Here are some words you can use when setting a boundary:

“No, thanks for asking.”

“I can’t this time, thanks for considering me.”

“I won’t be able to attend this function/event, thank you for inviting me.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t allow people to speak to me this way.”

“I don’t allow people to treat me this way.”

Boundaries are not requests. They are statements that are not left open for negotiation. Once you set the boundaries, the other person(s) might try to break them because your boundaries do not serve them. One of the key components of setting boundaries is that you are the only person responsible to uphold them. Your boundaries are not the other person’s responsibility to keep and hold. When you have set your boundaries, and feel that they are being violated, it is your job and no one else’s to reinforce them. It might take some getting used to and you might have to reinforce them a few times before the other person receives the message that you are not moving your boundaries for them. Once again, you set the boundaries and you uphold them!

Ultimately, boundaries are about respect. Respect for yourself, your time and your well being. Nothing can be sustained for a long period of time without boundaries.

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Online Reference: www.dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/boundary.

Carina Wolf is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Carina, please call (385-695-5949) or email carina@theeftclinic.com.