Size Doesn't Matter
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Unrealistic Expectations:
It’s the Size of Your Heart, Not Your Private Part
by Adam Nisenson, LAMFT, CSAT
When it comes to our intimate body parts, men can be particularly sensitive when it comes to their judgments around penis size. In my practice, I’ve found that many men have fears that a small or even average-sized penis makes them less manly. For sure, popular culture contributes to this feeling, from watching porn, to seeing penile-enlargement ads on the internet, to off-hand remarks and jokes about size by influencers and even our closest friends.
Maybe those well-endowed male porn stars who strut their stuff in scripted scenes with unsuspecting ladies are provoking men to question the size of their phallus, despite that we know porn actors are chosen for their size and that image enhancement also helps give that larger-than-life appearance. It makes a man wonder, though … Want to know what penis percentile you fall into? Enter your length, girth, and flaccid size into an online calculator.[1] Yes, a penis size calculator; just what we don’t need.
Seriously, men can feel inordinately insecure about their sexual body parts and their ability to give pleasure, and in the process, judge themselves as not manly. But that is a belief that just isn’t true.
What’s So Great about Size?
From an aesthetic standpoint, maybe men with larger penises put on a good visual show, but after that, it’s confidence in yourself and being connected to your partner that really counts. Size is and always will be subjective. Size is not a prerequisite for better sex; It can be simply a preference.
Studies on sexual satisfaction point to the significant role of everyday kissing, hugging, touching, affection, and overall well-being between sexual partners.[2] “Happy hormones” actually course through our bodies during physical intimacy, helping us to feel closeness and connectedness during intimate moments. With this into consideration, concerns about how well-endowed you are fall to the wayside.
Our lives are filled with preferences. What women value in a sexual partner is relative and varying. But most women will admit that length or girth doesn’t have anything to do with sex being good or not. We all need reassurance. And guys, if you think your woman is just trying to make you feel better when she tells you that size doesn’t matter, she may actually mean it!
“It’s not the size of the boat; it’s the motion of the ocean” meme isn’t just uttered platitudes. Well-hung doesn’t have the appeal most men think. Case in point: Research conducted at UCLA and Cal State Los Angeles a few years back reported that 84% of women feel “very satisfied” with their mate’s penis size. Fourteen percent wish it were larger and 2% would prefer smaller. Over 26,000 women between the ages of 18 and 65 took part in the study.[3] That’s a convincing endorsement for the theory that size doesn’t matter, don’t you think?
Men also tend to have inflated beliefs about how other men stack up in terms of size. Many men are under the misconception that the average penis size is larger than it actually is. The average erect penis is a little over 5 inches, with a circumference of just over 4.5 inches.[4] Surprised?
Not Just a Man Thing
Feeling inadequate about our appearance crosses gender lines. Men and women alike can get consumed with their physical appearance. Am I too weak looking? Do I have too much belly fat? Will she like a guy that’s losing his hair? What will she or he think when they see me naked?
Men obsess about their private body parts much like women. Some women feel inadequate about their breast size just as men feel inadequate about their penis size. Will he pass me over for the woman with the larger breasts?
Society has set standards of beauty that we feel compelled to follow. Penis and breast enlargement, botox treatments, liposuction, implants, veneers and the list goes on. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) reports that male cosmetic procedures rose 29% over the last decade the U.S.5 We have multi-billion dollar industries that cater to our inadequacies about our bodies and our desire to “fix” them into some prescribed idea of perfection … an idea that has no basis in reality.
An All-Sensory Experience
The myriad of sexual experiences available to you and your partner transcends physical attributes. No matter your penis size, you can find sex positions that work for you and your partner. The important thing is for you to feel happy in your own skin. Sexual appeal is about how you show up, being vulnerable, and being loving and true to yourself and your partner.
Sex is an all-sensory experience. Be happy and confident that you can give pleasure, whatever your size.
References:
Lever, J. et al. “Does Size Matter? Men’s and Women’s Views on Penis Size Across the Lifespan,” Psychology of Men and Masculinity (2006) 7:129.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201707/the-secret-reason-why-sex-is-so-crucial-in-relationships
https://calcsd.netlify.app
https://www.wbur.org/commonhealth/2015/03/03/biggest-study-penis-size
https://aedit.com/aedition/what-you-need-to-know-about-male-plastic-surgery-trends
The Birds and The Bees: How Porn Impacts Life and Love in the Real World
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The Birds and The Bees: How Porn Impacts Life and Love in the Real World
By Adam Nisenson, LAMFT, CSAT-C
“There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person.
In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of
the person, but that it shows far too little.”
-Pope John Paul II
When it comes to sex and relationships, there is no one normal. Many forms of sexual expression can take place within and outside of healthy, functional relationships. But sex can also be used in harmful ways. Does watching pornography lead to unhealthy views of sex and relationships? It’s an important question, since pornography is incredibly prevalent. The popular online site PornHub released its year-in-review statistics: over 42 billion site visits. That’s an average of 115 million visits each day.
This is an unprecedented situation. The widespread availability means that young people are learning about sex from pornography. Adults have unlimited access to a vast array of material that would have been unthinkable to previous generations. This has created an inaccurate and skewed view of what real sex and making love is, and that may be leading some men to seek out the kinds of sex they see on screen rather than the intimacy and true love that we deeply need as human beings.
In addition to its prevalence, pornography is controversial. Despite—or maybe because of—its popularity, pornography has long been considered unhealthy and dangerous, with the state of Utah even officially calling it “a public health hazard” in 2016. Supreme Court Justice Potter famously said of pornography, “I know it when I see it,” but it’s hard to know whether or not it actually causes harm.
Both research and public opinion have come to various conclusions. This uncertainty means that individuals may be the final arbiter of how porn use affects them. If you worry that you might have an unhealthy relationship with pornography, take a look at the potential negative impacts and ask yourself honestly if they apply to you. The messages in many porn films play into the Big Lie -- that being sexually dominant is a key part of masculinity and that female pleasure doesn’t matter (and perhaps that size does).
Porn Does Not Show Real Sex
With the advent of the internet, porn has become incredibly easy to access, and that means it is where more and more young people learn their first lessons about sex. Nowadays, learning about sex from other kids on the playground sounds almost wholesome by comparison. And porn is probably less accurate about real sex than the neighborhood kids of time gone by. Pornography tends to feature people with specific body types having sex in positions that look good on camera but may not be comfortable in real life while making lots of noise. In reality, people have a much greater diversity of body types, enjoy sex in positions that may not work on camera, and may not express their satisfaction as loudly as porn stars do. People in porn films also typically do not use condoms, which may contribute to the idea that safe sex is not sexy -- a myth that can have serious consequences.
Real-world sex tends to contradict the myths of the Big Lie, while porn reinforces them. In pornography, women are depicted as existing only to satisfy men’s desires, which contributes to misogynistic cultural attitudes. As sociologist Julia Long puts it, “one of the things that pornography does extremely efficiently is provide an endless flow of narratives of women being treated as objects, violated, or ‘done to’.”
Given the pervasiveness of these ideas about sex and women, men can adopt them without even realizing it. If you’re concerned about your own pornography use, ask yourself what your ideas about “good sex” are and whether porn has contributed to them.
Impact on Relationships
Research into the impact of porn on relationships has found mixed results. While an early study suggested that porn viewing made men lose interest in their partners, more recent studies found that wasn’t the case. Starting to watch porn, however, has been found to predict divorce, although the cause and effect relationship is not clear. Another men who watched pornography were less satisfied with their sex lives. Other studies have looked at the relationship between pornography use and infidelity. Couples that don’t watch porn at all have lower rates of cheating, while porn viewing was associated with less relationship satisfaction and higher levels of infidelity.
What is clear is that pornography presents an unrealistic view of women and sex. Some men may be able to keep in mind that porn presents a fantasy and don’t let watching interfere with their enjoyment of real life. Others, however, may find that spending so much time in fantasy makes the real world -- real women, real sex-- seem unsatisfactory by comparison. If that sounds like you, it may be time to scale back your viewing and perhaps talk with a therapist about how porn is impacting you.
Porn Use and Sex Addiction
We know that lots of people watch porn. For a smaller number, use rises to the level of addiction that has been compared to drug addiction. One study found that the striatum, an area of the brain involved in reward, was smaller in people who watched a lot of porn, although it is not clear if this was a cause or effect. Another study looked at the brains of three of the same areas were activated as when drug addicts were shown drug stimuli. Men without CSB didn’t show this activation pattern.
If you find yourself struggling with porn addiction or compulsive sexual behavior -- or are wondering if you have it -- seeing a therapist, particularly one who specializes in or is familiar with sex addiction, can help you understand and change your behavior. Therapy can also help alter any harmful views you may have absorbed about sex, relationships, or women.
Does Pornography Lead to Violence?
Some people have wondered whether excessive porn viewing makes individuals more likely to commit sex crimes. Research has shown that, in societies where pornography was made legal after being illegal, the rate of sex crimes actually went down. But research by Neil Malamuth found that, while excessive porn use is not a sole cause of sexual violence, it increases the odds that an individual with such inclinations will commit sex crimes .
Whether or not porn contributes to actual violence, it certainly contains a lot of images of it. And those images can have a profound effect on how men view women. For young people whose “sex education” is coming from these films, the lesson that violence against women is acceptable and even desirable can have dire consequences. While Michael Castleman points out that many scenes of violence in porn are in the context of consensual BDSM scenarios, this distinction may be lost on most young people.
Healthy Porn Use
But pornography can also be part of a healthy sex life. While men who watch porn alone report lower satisfaction in their relationships, partners who watch together are more sexually satisfied and more committed to each other. In this way, porn can be something that is enjoyed together and contributes to a loving, dedicated relationship. Used like this, porn is not an escape from the real world but a fantasy that a couple can share.
Some people watch porn without negative impacts on their beliefs or behaviors. If you’re in a relationship and wondering if porn is a problem, ask your partner. In addition to evaluating your own porn use, you can open up communication with your partner to see how they feel it impacts your relationship.
Real Love in the Real World
Sex does not equal love, but you can make love while having sex. Understanding sex as something that happens in the real world with a real person is part of building a loving, reciprocal relationship that is very different from the ones portrayed in porn films.
Technology has made porn ubiquitous and advances in virtual reality will likely increase its appeal. It’s not going anywhere. But we can look critically at porn’s messages and how they impact us. We can control what we watch, how much we watch, and whether we watch at all.
Truths and Myths of Transformation: The Mid-Life Crisis Explained
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Truths and Myths of Transformation:
The Midlife Crisis Explained
By Adam Nisenson, LAMFT, CSAT-C
“This is the closest we’ll ever be. This is our escape. Our secret closet, our letter of invitation to Hogwarts, our Death Star Run. After this we’re back to the real world, and from there the hill slopes down and only stops at six feet under.”
–Emil Ostrovski, The Paradox of Vertical Flight
What is a mid-life crisis, exactly?
Today, the ubiquitous term has become inexorably enmeshed with the image of a man in his mid-50s, a buxom girlfriend half his age hanging off one arm as he cruises the highway in a brand new convertible. That wasn’t always the case, however. First coined by Elliot Jacques in 1965, the idea of a “mid-life crisis” was quickly adopted by psychologists of the time—particularly Carl Jung. Jung asserted that the crisis was a normal part of the maturation process; the midway point between adulthood and end of life when people (not just men but all adults) evaluated themselves and their place in the world. Erik Erikson, the psychological theorist best known for creating the Eight Stages of Development agreed with Jung’s assessment, going on to say that the midlife point was an essential pivoting point towards achieving a satisfying and fulfilling late adulthood.
So, when did the “Big Lie” around middle age develop? How did the mid-life crisis transition from a normal part of adulthood into the idea of an excuse for impulsive excessive behavior and unrealistic life alterations? Is today’s midlife crisis a crisis at all?
Part of the problem is that despite being a normal and healthy part of adult development, this type of transition often begins with an overwhelming moment of revelation. Whether a single event or a series of happenings, this is the sparking incident that inspires the recognition of a person’s own mortality. For many, the sudden reality check that they only have a finite amount of time left can prove not only troubling, but downright terrifying. Reflecting on time that’s past and seeing goals left unfulfilled or dissatisfying life choices can lead to sudden feelings of fear, confusion, sadness and anger. It’s not uncommon to yearn to start over again or return to the places and decisions of youth. Sometimes the only relief is numbing oneself with drugs or alcohol—depression and anxiety are not uncommon throughout this period.
Crisis or Life Transition?
Recent research has begun to question whether the term “mid-life crisis” is still valid, especially in today’s changing social and cultural atmosphere. At the very least, it’s probably no longer fair to attempt to assign this transitional angst to one specific age group.
The painful, soul-searching what next questions traditionally associated with the mid-life crisis dilemma can strike anyone, at any age—just ask anyone who’s suffered through a major illness, financial distress, unexpected job loss, divorce, or the death of a parent, spouse, or child. And sometimes, it’s simply the very natural emotional response to years of accumulated stress and dissatisfaction with where all the small decisions in life have led you.
Much Too Young to Feel This Old
Perhaps the single most important reason to reevaluate the way we look at the concept of a mid-life crisis is the modern, expanding life span. When Carl Jung popularized the idea of a transitional midlife crisis period, he placed it around the 40th birthday. Life expectancy has shifted well past the ripe old age of fifty-seven since then, with many people living well into their late eighties and nineties. Considering this, the “halfway” point should probably be moved up a bit—closer to the mid-50s or 60s.
But actual research shows that the moment of revelation, the tipping point that sends many men into that mid-life crisis transition, is actually occurring in younger men. Depression, plastic surgery, angst about aging, and other signs of crisis are appearing in men as young as their thirties (Clay, R., 2013).
Consider a society obsessed with all things beauty and youth, combined with more and more years stretching ahead. Add financial and emotional stress and you have the perfect storm. Today’s men are virtually predestined to go through some kind of major transition at some period. It’s no longer fair to consider it a “crisis”. It’s not even the same stopping point identified by psychologists in the 1960’s. But at some period, people are going to want to stop and look not only back, but forward as well, seeking introspection and deciding whether they will be able to remain satisfied with the status quo for the next 30, 40, or 50 years—and more importantly, what steps they’d like to take to change things if not.
Taking Steps Towards a Positive Transition
Consider this: Millennials are entering their 30s and 40s. Unlike any era before it, this is a group of adults that is equipped to tackle the mid-life evolution in creative, effective, resourceful ways. This is a collection of people whose youth was spent watching corporate layoffs and the illusion of happily ever after wash away. Adversity isn’t exactly new to the next wave of mid-lifers, and much more than their predecessors, they anticipate pitfalls and challenges.
Once you’ve encountered the moment of realization that signals the mid-life transition, it’s important to allow yourself room to make positive growth towards a healthier, happier adulthood. Consider steps like:
Gradual Changes
The realization that you’re unhappy or unfulfilled in your job or career path can be one of the most difficult. Feelings of being “stuck” or unable to simply leave a job because of financial responsibility or time invested can often lead to depression or anxiety. Instead, consider a step-by-step plan that might allow you to transition slowly into doing something that satisfies you.
Live Your Passions
Finding time for yourself can be difficult, but it’s essential to leading a full life, especially as you begin to evaluate yourself and your place in the world. Whether or not you can make a career out of doing the things you love, it’s important to carve time out of your schedule to feed the part of yourself where your passions live. Honor your creative side.
Embrace Your Possibilities
Not only is most of what you know about mid-life crisis to be manufactured, Big-Lie style, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of, either. The idea that your best years are behind you simply isn’t a real one. Research has suggested that despite preconceived notions, happiness in humans may in fact peak in the sixth and seventh generation, not youth at all. Unfortunately, most people working through some sort of major mid-life transition tend to do so in silence—not talking about it with anyone and deciding not to seek out therapy on their own, either. Isolation and depression can make the turbulent emotions of this time worse, leading to much more of an actual crisis.
The Heart of the Matter: Unraveling the Lies Behind Infidelity
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The Heart of the Matter: Unraveling the Lies Behind Infidelity
By Adam Nisenson, LAMFT, CSAT-C
“There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret everything you’ve taken from me, everything I’ve given you, and the waste of all the time I’ve spent on us.” –David Leviathan, The Lover’s Dictionary
When Time Magazine announced The Silence Breakers as their choice for 2017’s person of the year, it brought into sharp focus a long-neglected whirlwind of sexual harassment and appalling behavior from men in positions of power everywhere from Hollywood to Washington D.C. But while the world focused on the fallout, few paid attention to the other victims in these appalling, often criminal cases of sexual misconduct and abuse. Many of these men were married or attached, leaving their spouses to pick-up the pieces of a shattered relationship.
Infidelity’s short and long-term consequences are vast and far-reaching, oftentimes devastating for everyone involved.
Most people know someone who’s cheated. Maybe it’s something you’re not particularly proud of having done yourself. Strictly speaking, men are more likely than women to stray—though that’s not to say that cheating is strictly for the guys. For many, it is far too easy to justify. My needs aren’t being met at home; they reason with themselves. It’s just this once.
Despite the assuring siren song of justification, infidelity doesn’t soothe loneliness or fill the void of self-acceptance. What it does do, however, is go far beyond irreparably damaging a marriage and personal relationships. An affair can often snake out into all aspects of your life, affecting you psychologically, emotionally, and financially.
Why We Hurt The Ones We Love: The Reasons Men Cheat
Infidelity—extra dyadic involvement as it’s so callously termed—is consistently looked down upon across cultures, literature, and religions. It is also universally prevalent and persistent.
Cheating comes with huge, often devastating consequences. In addition to being the number one statistical reason for divorce across races and age groups, infidelity can lead to everything from stress and anxiety to STDs, professional and social distress, and even violence (Wang, W., 2018). Yet, even with everything that hangs in the balance, some people still choose to look the big lie of infidelity in the face. Why?
By the numbers, men are more likely to be unfaithful—roughly 20% of men admitted to having an affair in a 2018 study, compared to 13% of women (Wang, W., 2018). More importantly, though, men and women often stray for different reasons. For most men, no single factor will be a driving force behind infidelity, and sometimes the circumstances and reasoning for cheating will change as time goes on. Regardless, and while it’s essential to remember that cheating is always a choice, it can help the healing process to understand some of the common reasons why men in particular feel compelled to cheat.
In Search of an Ego Boost
One of the foremost reasons cited for having an extramarital affair by men is that their emotional needs aren’t being met by their current partner. Often, this translates into using infidelity as a means of escapism and avoidance instead of tackling the actual issues in yourself or relationship.
Immaturity
Sometimes, a man simply doesn’t have the experience or maturity level to fully commit to a monogamous relationship. He may be unwilling or incapable of accepting that his actions have consequences that branch out to those around him, and still sees the bonds of trust and commitment as flexible, bending to his ever-changing moral barometer.
Anger/Vengeance
A surprising number of men think that infidelity will somehow heal a wounded ego after a big fight or in retribution for being cheated on first. It’s understandable— anger is a heated, relatable emotion. But fighting this kind of fire with fire only makes the waters of hurt, resentment, and contempt even murkier.
Sometimes It’s Not About Sex…
Insecurity is a huge factor when it comes to male infidelity. The “mid-life crisis” trope didn’t get to be cliché because it’s untrue. Someone who is suddenly looking in the mirror and seeing much more hairline—and waistline—than ever before, or maybe finds themselves struggling along on a career or life path that isn’t what the 20 year old version of themselves would have envisioned, then other areas of their life can become shaky as well. Regardless of whether an existing relationship is still healthy, men in this situation find themselves cheating simply to check the dipstick on their virility—a search for validation.
… And Sometimes it is
More than women, men will cheat opportunistically. Escorts, one-night stands, casual office sex, an out of town fling during a conference. This kind of infidelity often happens because a man is desirous of some novelty, and it just happens to be easily available. A man with a higher sex drive than his partner or in the midst of other stressors in his life might feed himself enough Big Lies to justify this type of behavior.
Drawing the Lines: What’s Cheating?
Further complicating the issue is the fact that there are no clearly defined boundaries as to what constitutes cheating in the first place. Sure, we can all mostly agree that extra-dyadic intercourse is definitely being unfaithful, but when it comes to things like pornography, webcams, sexing, flirting… infidelity is quite often in the eyes of the betrayed.
The Emotional Affair Explained
Sex is far from the only form of intimacy humans share. A relationship is made up of meaningful connections. Unless you’re in an open or polyamorous relationship where the parameters have been discussed and communication flows freely, it’s reasonable to expect that all your spouse or partner’s physical, verbal, and emotional intimacy will remain exclusive between the two of you. When the sanctity of that connection is violated—even if no physical contact ever occurs—then the intimate foundation of a relationship has been rocked to its very core.
While the old definition of infidelity was a fairly narrow scope, recent years have seen the concept of cheating broadened and redefined.
The primary difference between a traditional affair and an emotional one comes down to physical contact. During an emotional affair, the clandestine “meetings” normally associated with infidelity will often occur online, over the phone, or via text. Additionally, there may be in-person dates—but the affair stops short of physical or sexual interaction.
While it’s normal and healthy for individuals to maintain friendships and social circles outside of their romantic relationship, emotional infidelity is poison to a marriage. A genuinely healthy friendship will enrich your relationship, never threaten it. When a seemingly harmless crush or attraction crosses emotional boundaries, it can often be even worse than a physical affair for several reasons, including:
They often lead to physical affairs
It’s easy to justify the harmlessness of an emotional affair because it’s “not real.” The reality is that communication is an intimate act in and of itself and putting that kind of emotional investment into someone that isn’t your partner is just as bad as traditional cheating. More, once you’ve connected emotionally with someone outside of your marriage, it’s that much easier to take the next step towards the physical infidelity as well.
They’re an indicator of deeper relationship problems
Emotional cheating is just as likely to lead to divorce or separation as a physical affair (Meyer, C., 2019). An unsurprising factor, despite the lack of sexual infidelity. If one partner is seeking trust or validation outside of the marriage, it certainly could point something vital missing or wounded within the relationship.
They require affection
As horrible as it would be to find out the person you love had a drunken one night stand, there is something decidedly even more devastating about discovering that they’d violated your emotional intimacy and trust by sharing their love and affection with someone else.
They’re too easy
A physical affair requires two people to be in the same physical space. Today, the Internet makes it possible for any two people in the world to connect with each other at any time. This is wonderful for keeping people connected. It also makes it easier than ever to experience some type of infidelity.
Is it Infidelity? Recognizing the Signs
Hollywood would have us believe that the mark of a cheater is obvious—lipstick on a collar, cheap perfume in the car, glitter everywhere. The reality is that it isn’t always easy to know when things are amiss. If you suspect your spouse or partner might be unfaithful, consider some of the most common signs:
Secretive or unusual phone or computer use
Password protecting all of their electronics
Significantly less, more, or different sex within your relationship
Drastic changes in their appearance or grooming habits
Long periods where they’re unreachable
An altered schedule
Unexplained expenses
Emotional distance or lack of conversation
Infidelity’s Ripple Effect
It’s one of the most insidious aspects of the Big Lie. Cheating doesn’t just affect your marriage—it can have a deep-seeded psychological impact on you, alter your health, your relationships going forward, even things like your career and social circle. No matter what, infidelity is devastating to deal with. Reaching out for support, therapy, and taking the time to process and heal are all essential tools to help reclaim your life after cheating has touched it.
Resources
Meyer, C. (2019, March 23). What Is the Difference Between an Emotional and a Physical
Affair? Retrieved from https://www.mydomaine.com/emotional-affair-and-a-physical-affair-1102788
Wang, Wendy. “Who Cheats More? The Demographics of Infidelity in America.” Institute for
Family Studies, 10 Jan. 2018, ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america.