The Assumption Trap

The
Assumption
Trap:
Be Aware of These
5 Thinking Patterns

by Sara Collins, LMFT

“Don’t believe everything you think.”
- Robert Fulghum

Irrational thoughts, or cognitive distortions, likely evolved as ways to cope with stressful life events. When we are in distress, our thoughts and perceptions adapt in ways to ensure our survival; however, these types of thoughts are often stressful and can even harm our relationships, leading to a sense of hopelessness. 

Overgeneralizing:

When we overgeneralize, we see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. For example, if we have a painful experience in our relationship, we may believe that we will never be able to experience happiness in the relationship. Overgeneralizing may cast a wide dismal net over any potential positive future outcomes.  

Mental Filter:

A mental filter refers to dwelling on a single negative detail and ignoring anything potentially positive. For example, we may ruminate for days about a single negative comment our partner made. When we interpret situations through a negative mental filter, not only is the interpretation inaccurate, but it may lead to feelings of hopeless about our relationship. 

Disqualifying the Positive:

Discounting or disqualifying the positive causes us to believe that our positive experiences do not count. For example, if my partner tells me I’m doing a great job, I’ll discount it by thinking that they are obligated to give this statement. When we engage in this type of irrational thinking we may overlook our achievements and disregard our positive attributes. In relationships, we may deny the times we successfully navigated a conflict and believe it was just random chance. When we dismiss the positive, we explain it away as meaningless and rarely feel a healthy sense of pride or satisfaction.

Mind Reading/Assuming/Fortune Telling:

This is one of the most common pervasive thought patterns that contributes to a pattern of painful communication. We engage in assuming or mind reading when we conclude our partner is reacting negatively without exploring it with them. For example, my partner comes home from work and goes straight to their office. My automatic thought is that I must have done something wrong and this is going to turn out badly. 

Emotional Reasoning:

Emotional reasoning refers to judging or evaluating situations based on our feeling or emotion - “If I feel it, it must be true”. It is the false belief that our emotions are the truth and the way we feel is a reliable indicator of reality.

How can we manage these thought patterns? 

When you realize you are feeling distressed, slow down, visualize a stop sign and take a deep breath. Remember to treat yourself with compassion and refrain from judgment; after all, these irrational thoughts are a powerful aspect of our survival system. 

Next, identify the type of irrational thought. Often by recognizing and labeling the thought and emotion, we can access flexibility in our thinking which leads us to discovering more options of how to manage the stressful situation. 

Look for shades of gray, consider several alternative explanations, gather evidence, and implement positive interpretations to expand your thinking. Writing down the irrational thought as well as alternative thoughts can be a helpful way to reframe your situation in a more realistic light. 

If you are experiencing painful cycles of communication in your relationship, consider seeking some guidance from an Emotionally Focused Therapist who can help you create new understanding of your relationship, stop negative cycles of conflict, heal emotional wounds, and create safety and security.