Grieving the Living
/
Grieving
the Living: Losing the Attachment We Once Shared with
a Loved One
by Tracey Bean, LMFT
As I watch the huge tears collect in my daughter’s eyes and drop onto her cheeks after the breakup with her boyfriend, my heart breaks for her. As I empathize with her experience, it reminds me of the feelings I felt when I was grieving the death of a loved one.
My daughter is experiencing “Ambiguous Grief,” which is described as the loss of a relationship with a person who’s still alive accompanied by a change in (or death of) the relationship. These relationships can be romantic or familial, or even a friendship. Romantic relationships may end in divorce or breakup, friendships rupture, and family members become estranged after a falling out. The loss may be particularly painful around holidays, anniversaries, and other family celebrations, when the person’s absence feels especially painful. The pain comes from the fact that our relationships become a part of us, so when we lose the relationship we lose part of ourselves.
Self-blame and questioning are part of what’s most problematic when mourning the living. How much was I at fault? Could the relationship be mended? Is it worth trying again? It may not even be clear what fractured the relationship.
If you’re mourning a living person, be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself as much time as you need to process the emotions and expect there to be emotional ups and downs. Human relationships are complex, so expect difficulty when a relationship unravels.
It is important to understand that when you are hurting, you need to surround yourself with people you love, and share with them your experience so they can support you. Writing about your feelings can be very therapeutic; you can even write a letter to the person you’re mourning, without sending it to them. With so many emotions taking up space in your heart and head, the goal is to let yourself express and understand these emotions.
One word of caution… resist the urge to check the person’s social media posts. When you see the carefully curated version of their life that they share on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, these posts/photos will usually only distress you.
As I comfort my daughter, I am also aware of the important life lessons she will learn through this experience. These painful experiences teach us about ourselves and others, helps us solidify our values, remind us of our humanity, promote compassion for ourselves and others, teach us the value of forgiveness, and can reveal new insight. Ask yourself what you have learned through this experience and remember there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Tracey is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Lehi, Utah, and believes deeply in the therapeutic process. Through improving relationships, one can enhance and improve overall well-being. Tracey’s goal is to help clients obtain deeper intimacy in their relationships and bring joy to their lives. Through hard work and motivation to change, one can achieve a better life experience. Tracey works with couples, families and teens to best navigate through problems and relationship issues such as life-stage transitions, infidelity, remarriage, and mental or behavioral issues in family members. She also works with individuals who struggle with issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, and self-esteem.
If you would like to schedule an appointment with Tracey, please call 385-695-5949 or email tracey@theeftclinic.com.