Anxious-Avoidant Marriage
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How to Find Security in an Anxious-Avoidant Marriage
by Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT, CEFT
Each of us have a style of attachment that influences how we make sense of present relationships, and how comfortable we are with emotional closeness in any important relationship. Our style of attachment originates with early experiences in our family of origin, continues to expand and develop with social connections and solidifies in our general interactions with others throughout childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. Attachment style becomes a very important driver of our emotions and a motivator of our behaviors in adult relationships in both positive and negative ways.
This brief overview focuses on the dynamics of a committed marital relationship between a partner with an anxious attachment style and a partner with an avoidant attachment style. Numerous articles can be found as to how these attachment styles develop and it is essential for anyone seeking a committed relationship to gain knowledge to identify and become aware of their own attachment style.
It is interesting to note that people with avoidant and anxious attachment styles may be drawn to each other to form a committed relationship due to attachment injuries or traumas in early childhood. Although they may genuinely have affection and deep love for each other, if the early injuries or traumas have not been healed, either partner’s own wounds may be triggered repeatedly through relational interactions involving intense pursuing behaviors or rejecting and avoidant behaviors.
The resistance to emotional and/or physical connection only reinforces someone who is anxiously attached. Unaddressed emotional scars can create a level of sensitivity to certain circumstances and subsequently may be triggered by a variety of events or interactions with others. Those who endured abuse and/or traumatic events may struggle with human-to-human closeness, and negatively governs how they understand and make sense of later relationships.
The results of these frequent painful interactions can damage the couple partnership and intensify the anxious attached partner’s sense of insecurity and longing for connection. The pursuing behaviors of the anxiously attached partner tends to cause the avoidant partner to withdraw to cope with the consistent pressure to connect. As these patterns emerge and solidify, the avoidant partner begins to feel they will never measure up or be enough, and the anxiously attached partner feels shame over their “neediness” and inability to ever feel content or confident about their relationship.
While this combination of attachment styles in a committed relationship may seem hopeless, there are powerful and practical ways to navigate and shift out of the damaging patterns so that gradually the partners begin to feel safer and more secure. Many find it useful and healing to seek professional help from a therapist trained in emotionally focused therapy (EFT) and one who has advanced training and experience surrounding the development of attachment styles. Ultimately, with consistent practice, patience, and greater understanding of their partner’s world of thoughts and emotions, the couple can find true peace and greater marital fulfillment.
What if Your Partner is Avoidant in their Attachment Style?
As stated earlier, our early relational experiences influence our view of others and the world around us and shape our view of ourselves, our style of attachment and our relational behaviors in adulthood. All humans are subjected to positive and negative experiences throughout their lifetime, and we all have moments of pain, rejection, and loss. If avoided or unaddressed, the damaging patterns can cause and reinforce painful raw spots or emotional scars that block our ability to trust others or feel emotionally safe in future relationships.
Hope for the Anxiously Attached
Research suggests that when someone who has had painful deficits in childhood partners with someone who has a secure attachment style, the emotional scars can slowly heal, and the painful memories soften and slip away. Regardless of one’s view of self and present level of comfort with relationships, attachment style can shift and change over time. The greatest challenge is to know how to navigate a committed relationship with a partner who struggles with avoidant attachment style.
There are specific steps one can take to navigate the relationship and even influence more security in both partners. Ideally, both partners will be willing to commit to working on their own tendencies that work against the partner’s desires and needs. The anxiously attached partner may have to become very aware of the counterproductivity of pressure to connect. The avoidant partner will need to be aware of the painful impact on their partner with their tendency to withdraw or isolate. As noted earlier, with understanding, self-awareness, and consistent practice, you can nurture and cultivate a more secure and stable relationship.
Set Up a Conversation for Exploration and Understanding
The first step in the process of developing healthy and stable bonds in the relationship is to have an open and honest discussion with your partner about the differences in your attachment styles as a couple. Invite your partner to sit with you to explore and understand each other better. Prepare for the conversation by agreeing that honesty and transparency will be welcome and safe. Commit to each other that there will be no blaming or attacking, and the ultimate goal is to understand and to feel understood.
The Anxiously Attached Partner: Talk about what you feel when you notice your partner pulling away. Begin by helping your partner understand your desires and longings. Try to describe the panic you feel when you can’t access your partner or when you feel pushed away by them. Talk about what you tell yourself during those moments, for example, “I tell myself you don’t want to be with me” or “I really believe you don’t care about my loneliness, my pain or my longing for security and connection.”
The Avoidant Partner: Share what you feel (emotions) and experience (thoughts) when the pressure is on to connect. This sharing process may feel awkward and vulnerable, but it is important to remember to take it slow and be patient with yourself in this new sharing experience. Explore within yourself for a new awareness about your internal experience. For many who tend to withdraw or avoid connection, they are not in tune with their emotional experience. Therefore, be gentle with yourself and help your partner understand your difficulty in finding words to describe your internal emotional experience. Share what you tell yourself during moments of pressure to connect with your partner. Talk about how you make sense of the pressure you feel. For example, you might say something like, “I tell myself I will never be able to fulfill your need for connection,” or “I feel like you are insatiable and that you will never be happy with me. I feel smothered and overwhelmed by the pressure that always seems to be there.”
Examine and Adjust Your Expectations to a Healthy Level
The following is a list of simple steps you can take to improve how you interact with your avoidant partner to cultivate relationship security:
Allow your partner to have the emotional/physical space and time they need. Openly acknowledge you recognize their need for balance which must include time and space away from the typical whirlwind of life in general.
Do not assume your partner’s avoidance of contact is a problem with you. It is not likely about you, but more about your partner’s internal experience and appropriate need for space and time.
Offer positive affirmations to reinforce the things your avoidant partner does that bring you comfort and reassurance. Frequently share with them what you value about them to help them feel successful in their attempts to be present for you.
Work to be attentive and really listen to them when they share. Try to be as open as possible as your partner shares their pain, disappointment, or complaints about what is hard for them. Do not try to fix the issue, but instead offer acceptance and validation of their experience.
Work to embrace the differences in each of you. Acknowledge the differences and try to find ways to embrace them rather than rejecting them. Try to find positive aspects of the differences that enhance your complimentary partnership.
Identify and set healthy boundaries that you and your partner can honor for each other. Openly share what you need and what you hope for regarding the boundaries. Seek understanding about your partner’s boundaries which will help you understand the importance of honoring those.
Couples in this situation benefit from working with a professional who has training in the science of attachment styles and has practical and effect ways as to how to shift out of dysfunctional behaviors that counter your desire for connection and emotional safety.