The Assumption Trap

The
Assumption
Trap:
Be Aware of These
5 Thinking Patterns

by Sara Collins, LMFT

“Don’t believe everything you think.”
- Robert Fulghum

Irrational thoughts, or cognitive distortions, likely evolved as ways to cope with stressful life events. When we are in distress, our thoughts and perceptions adapt in ways to ensure our survival; however, these types of thoughts are often stressful and can even harm our relationships, leading to a sense of hopelessness. 

Overgeneralizing:

When we overgeneralize, we see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. For example, if we have a painful experience in our relationship, we may believe that we will never be able to experience happiness in the relationship. Overgeneralizing may cast a wide dismal net over any potential positive future outcomes.  

Mental Filter:

A mental filter refers to dwelling on a single negative detail and ignoring anything potentially positive. For example, we may ruminate for days about a single negative comment our partner made. When we interpret situations through a negative mental filter, not only is the interpretation inaccurate, but it may lead to feelings of hopeless about our relationship. 

Disqualifying the Positive:

Discounting or disqualifying the positive causes us to believe that our positive experiences do not count. For example, if my partner tells me I’m doing a great job, I’ll discount it by thinking that they are obligated to give this statement. When we engage in this type of irrational thinking we may overlook our achievements and disregard our positive attributes. In relationships, we may deny the times we successfully navigated a conflict and believe it was just random chance. When we dismiss the positive, we explain it away as meaningless and rarely feel a healthy sense of pride or satisfaction.

Mind Reading/Assuming/Fortune Telling:

This is one of the most common pervasive thought patterns that contributes to a pattern of painful communication. We engage in assuming or mind reading when we conclude our partner is reacting negatively without exploring it with them. For example, my partner comes home from work and goes straight to their office. My automatic thought is that I must have done something wrong and this is going to turn out badly. 

Emotional Reasoning:

Emotional reasoning refers to judging or evaluating situations based on our feeling or emotion - “If I feel it, it must be true”. It is the false belief that our emotions are the truth and the way we feel is a reliable indicator of reality.

How can we manage these thought patterns? 

When you realize you are feeling distressed, slow down, visualize a stop sign and take a deep breath. Remember to treat yourself with compassion and refrain from judgment; after all, these irrational thoughts are a powerful aspect of our survival system. 

Next, identify the type of irrational thought. Often by recognizing and labeling the thought and emotion, we can access flexibility in our thinking which leads us to discovering more options of how to manage the stressful situation. 

Look for shades of gray, consider several alternative explanations, gather evidence, and implement positive interpretations to expand your thinking. Writing down the irrational thought as well as alternative thoughts can be a helpful way to reframe your situation in a more realistic light. 

If you are experiencing painful cycles of communication in your relationship, consider seeking some guidance from an Emotionally Focused Therapist who can help you create new understanding of your relationship, stop negative cycles of conflict, heal emotional wounds, and create safety and security.

Assertiveness

You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Feelings

by Mallorie Sorce, LMFT

Many people confuse Assertiveness with Aggression. They assume that standing up for themselves or having a different opinion comes off as being rude or cocky. Assertiveness is defined as “having or showing a confident or forceful personality,” while Aggression is defined as “hostile or violent behavior or attitudes toward another; readiness to attack or confront.” Being assertive is based on mutual respect, it says to the other person, “I hear you; however, I have a different perception.” Aggression says, “I am trying to scare or force you into seeing my perspective only.” 

Being assertive helps you stand up for yourself and express yourself in a way that you can be heard by others without them becoming defensive. It also helps you earn respect from others and builds a positive sense of self. If you are someone who has trouble saying no, which often leaves you resentful or in a bind, learning to be assertive can help relieve this stress. 

You may be asking, “But how do I become assertive?” Great question! It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. For instance, being assertive is being direct and to the point, while also maintaining respect for the person to whom you’re speaking. First, reflect on how you normally interact with others. Are you quick to defend yourself? Do you find yourself giving in to people when, in fact, you really don’t want to? Do you change your opinion in hopes of not making waves with the person to whom you’re speaking? Or are you overly aggressive and find that others are constantly upset with you? 

Once you determine the way you interact with others, it is important to think about the message you really want to send. Using “I” statements can help by avoiding sounding accusatory. For instance, try saying, “I could really use some help around the house,” rather than, “you never help around the house.” If you have a different opinion, try saying, “I can see where you’re coming from, but I disagree.” Additionally, if you are someone who has trouble saying no, remember that we all have the right to say no and we are not responsible for other’s feelings about this. Be direct and don’t apologize. If an explanation is necessary, keep it brief. 

Keep in mind that becoming assertive can take time. Remember to start small, practice beforehand, and act confident even if you aren’t feeling it. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Above all else, remember that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You’ll be surprised how good it feels to honor and express yourself more often!

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Mayo Clinic (2020, May 29). Being Assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better. Mayo Clinic.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644

Creating a Meaningful Life in Stressful Times

Creating a Meaningful Life in Stressful Times

By Carina Wolf, LCSW

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) was created by doctor and researcher Marsha M. Linehan in the late 1980s in order to treat chronically suicidal individuals suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). DBT is a combination of Western principles of behavioral change and Eastern Zen practices. DBT aims to change dysfunctional patterns in emotional regulation, interpersonal relationships, identity, and impulse control to build a life worth living. 

A significant component of DBT is helping the client find the balance between acceptance of their current situation while also seeking change. DBT’s four main core skills (emotional regulation, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness and mindfulness) are effective in times of high stress, such as the current time of COVID-19. 

In DBT there is an idea of dialectical thinking, which is the belief that two opposites can be true. We can apply this concept to our current time by being happy to have more down time while also mourning the activities we can no longer do or mourning social interaction. We can be hopeful and hopeless. Both of these ideas can be true at the same time!

DBT helps individuals to create a life worth living while dealing with anxiety, depression, mental illness, or just daily stressors such as job loss, financial insecurity, and sickness. We can also use the skills and tools of DBT to create a more meaningful life while being in isolation and having mixed emotions about it all. 

How Dialectical Thinking Helps Us Find Meaning

We can ask ourselves questions such as “How can I create more meaningful relationships while being apart from loved ones?”, or “How can I be more intentional in my daily interactions that allows people to know that I love and care about them?” We can mourn many aspects of our lives while at the same time seeking meaning in our new normal and creating positive interactions with ourselves and those few people around us. 

Our emotional mind might be feeling:

• Overwhelmed

• Grief

• Life is out of control

• Intense fear

• Full of anxiety 

Our rational mind can be thinking:

• What are some aspects of my life that I can control?

• I can control my schedule, my eating, my sleeping, and the amount of exercise I do.

• I can control the amount of news I read about COVID-19

• I can control the ratio of positive/negative news that enters my house

• What resources do I have that can be shared with those who don’t?

• How can I serve those around me and my community at this time?

• What are some rituals I can create with those around me to find meaning at this time?

• Can you cook dinner more often together?

• Can you take part in an online church service that helps you connect to others?

• Play games, talk with others either in person, on the phone or online?

These questions are the difference between having a mind full and being mindful (Taylor, 2020).

We can practice acceptance of our current situation while also actively working to change what we can. When we accept that this is our current situation, we can move forward with increased confidence and peace. This mentality helps us to:

• Seek for the positive in times of high stress

• Seek ways to find calmness among the chaos 

• Seek for activities that fill my soul

• Allow yourself to feel all emotions without judgment

Applying DBT to Attachment Theory

“When a relationship to a special loved person is endangered, we are not only anxious but are usually angry as well. As responses to the risk of loss, anxiety and anger go hand in hand. It is not for nothing that they have the same etymological root.” —John Bowlby

During this time of COVID-19 it is more important than ever to cultivate meaningful attachments. We can be asking ourselves: How can strong attachments be created during COVID-19? 

A different way to see this question is by asking: Is there only one way to create attachment and strengthen relationships?

Maybe this is our time to be creative and more intentional about our relationships. 

Can we create ways to get to know our neighbors while staying at a safe distance? 

The answer is yes, yes we can!

This can be a time where we can create new attachments and strengthen old ones. Merging DBT skills with Attachment will help us practice dialectical thinking where we can be frustrated, fearful, angry and overwhelmed while also feeling loved, giving love, seeking opportunities to connect and create rituals. We let go of emotional suffering by taking control of what we can control.

Last but not least, be vulnerable! Attachments can be developed from our ability to be vulnerable and reach out to others. Don’t be afraid to say what you feel and how you feel. This situation affects us all in different ways and we can feel many different emotions related to it. Reach out when you need the extra support. Chances are that you are not the only one. 

Photo reference:

Taylor, M. [Center For Change]. (2020) Ambiguous Loss in the Time of CIVID-19: Shifting Your Mindset to Find Hope and Resiliency. [Video]. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADSMSVDWq_4&feature=emb_logo

Carina Wolf is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Carina, you can email her at carina@theeftclinic.com or call our scheduling line at 385-695-5949.

B.L.A.S.T. - Five Feelings that Impair Decision Making and Lower Resolve

B.L.A.S.T.— Five Feelings That Impair Decision Making and Lower Resolve

By Ben Kroff, LMFT

When discussing in therapy sessions ways to overcome various challenges, it is easy to imagine implementing our new insights and ideas in real-time. Why then, do we find ourselves not applying our well-laid plans long-term? Why, when in the heat of the moment, do we act opposite of what we know would be best?

The following five feelings act like clouds of confusion that can impair judgment and lower our resolve, even after making a decision.

Bored —We can all relate to going to the fridge and looking for “whatever” because we have a gap in our schedule and nothing to do. Kids who get into trouble at school have found creative ways to manage their boredom, whether with spit wads, teasing their classmates, or scratching their names into their desks. What do you do when you are bored? What vice do you entertain to help fill the time? Be careful of this moment in time; you may not be making the wisest use of it. 

Lonely —“No one cares about me anyway.” When we feel isolated, disconnected, or alone, we are more likely to engage in undesired self-soothing behaviors. We may feel at liberty to indulge because there is no accountability, no one to report to, to check in with, or seek validation from. When you are feeling tempted to engage in an unhealthy compulsion, consider who you might call, pay a visit, or reach out to. Connecting with others can remind us that we are cared for and that others support and believe in us. 

Angry — Our limbic or “reptilian” brain takes over when we are flooded with strong emotions like anger. During this time the executive functioning part of our brain, where we make decisions based on reason and logic, becomes inhibited. Understanding this, we are not surprised that such terrible decisions are made in anger. Breaking things, saying hurtful words, driving recklessly, or walking off a job are examples of regrettable decisions that are made when angry. Paying attention to our behavior can reveal our anger and act as a warning sign that we need to calm down and reconsider before acting. 

Stressed — When we’re stressed, it’s surprising how quickly we can consume unhealthy snacks. Have you ever watched a tense movie and found out you not only ate the popcorn in 30 seconds but the bucket is missing as well? Like anger, stress increases our limbic brain activity where we act on emotion and reduces our executive functioning or “thinking” part of our brain. Using grounding and calming techniques like deep breathing, physical touch, or even a quick meditation can lower our stress and shift our thinking back to the present where we can make safer, healthier decisions. 

Tired - Hundreds of recent studies have highlighted the dangerous effects of sleep deprivation. Our brains literally starve when we don’t get adequate rest. Making critical decisions when we are tired can lead to poor outcomes. Before deciding to quit a job, leave or start a relationship, or make that spontaneous purchase, make sure you are rested. Even 10 to 15 minutes of sleep can reset our mood, increase our resolve and help us manage tasks and relationships with increased clarity and confidence.

Remember these five feelings by memorizing the acronym “BLAST”, and consider measuring your status in each category when you find yourself making important decisions. Like a quick pro-con list, this exercise in self-awareness could be the gate protecting you from facing future regret.

Ben Kroff is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Ben, you can email him at ben@theeftclinic.com or call our scheduling line at 385-695-5949.