Connecting Talk

/ The EFT Clinic/

Connecting Talk:
A Path to Deeper Connection

by Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT, CEFT

“Hey, are you doing ok? I noticed you’ve been a bit quiet. I’m here if you want to talk...”  This is an example of what we call “Connecting Talk,” which is a style of communication that invites closeness, greater understanding, and moments of comfort and clarity. When couples move into a style of communication that is connecting, the conversation tends to move to a deeper level. Healthy communication is one of the most important elements of human relationships, and when relationships suffer, you can be certain Connecting Talk is absent and unhealthy patterns have taken hold.

Connecting Talk encourages emotional connection, and this deeper connection is much more likely as each partner is open to a more intimate awareness of both their own and their partner’s experience. When couples use Connecting Talk, they share a fuller range of information: feelings, desires, deeper aspects of self and their partner’s experience, as well as exploring unmet needs together. The challenge is that Connecting Talk requires vulnerability and authenticity, which in turn requires courage and lots of practice.

Positive Impact of Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk prompts the couple to investigate and understand each other’s experience. When couples practice and improve on Connecting Talk, the relationship flourishes, and there are multiple benefits both personally and relationally. The couple is more likely to find acceptance and to take accountability for their own actions and influence in the relationship.  They are more likely to disclose information with honesty while feeling an increase in emotional safety. A willingness to be vulnerable sends positive messages to their partner, which increases the likelihood of openness and risk. Most importantly, defensiveness and blame are less likely to cloud the relationship.

The How of Connecting Talk 

 What does Connecting Talk “look like?” The following are specific examples of ways you can incorporate connection in your communication with each other:

  • Speaking for yourself and not your partner

  • Owning and sharing your own experience

  • Identifying difficult emotions

  • Sharing complaints without attacking

  • Acknowledging differences

  • Managing escalating emotions

An example of something you might say to your partner is, “It is hard for me when you say, ‘be ready in 10 minutes’ and you are not ready for another ½ hour.”  Another example would be, “I am really struggling with my job, and I would like to talk to you about making a career change,” or “I am willing to take the kids to the park so you can work on your project.”  A key phrase that works universally is, “I really need your help when...”

Practice Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk requires intentional, thoughtful shifts in your daily communication. Consider setting aside a time to practice with your partner.  Share with each other something about yourself that you may have never shared before. Try to find something to share that is safe but personal.  Some examples would be, (1) A most embarrassing moment; (2) A happy moment you wish you could experience again; or (3) A time when you were afraid or alone.  Share and discuss what it was like to hear about your partner’s experience. What was surprising about the experience?  What was it like to share your memories with your partner?  Incorporate Connecting Talk in your daily communication and notice how it brightens your day and strengthens your relationship with your sweetheart.