The Birds and The Bees: How Porn Impacts Life and Love in the Real World
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The Birds and The Bees: How Porn Impacts Life and Love in the Real World
By Adam Nisenson, LAMFT, CSAT-C
“There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person.
In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of
the person, but that it shows far too little.”
-Pope John Paul II
When it comes to sex and relationships, there is no one normal. Many forms of sexual expression can take place within and outside of healthy, functional relationships. But sex can also be used in harmful ways. Does watching pornography lead to unhealthy views of sex and relationships? It’s an important question, since pornography is incredibly prevalent. The popular online site PornHub released its year-in-review statistics: over 42 billion site visits. That’s an average of 115 million visits each day.
This is an unprecedented situation. The widespread availability means that young people are learning about sex from pornography. Adults have unlimited access to a vast array of material that would have been unthinkable to previous generations. This has created an inaccurate and skewed view of what real sex and making love is, and that may be leading some men to seek out the kinds of sex they see on screen rather than the intimacy and true love that we deeply need as human beings.
In addition to its prevalence, pornography is controversial. Despite—or maybe because of—its popularity, pornography has long been considered unhealthy and dangerous, with the state of Utah even officially calling it “a public health hazard” in 2016. Supreme Court Justice Potter famously said of pornography, “I know it when I see it,” but it’s hard to know whether or not it actually causes harm.
Both research and public opinion have come to various conclusions. This uncertainty means that individuals may be the final arbiter of how porn use affects them. If you worry that you might have an unhealthy relationship with pornography, take a look at the potential negative impacts and ask yourself honestly if they apply to you. The messages in many porn films play into the Big Lie -- that being sexually dominant is a key part of masculinity and that female pleasure doesn’t matter (and perhaps that size does).
Porn Does Not Show Real Sex
With the advent of the internet, porn has become incredibly easy to access, and that means it is where more and more young people learn their first lessons about sex. Nowadays, learning about sex from other kids on the playground sounds almost wholesome by comparison. And porn is probably less accurate about real sex than the neighborhood kids of time gone by. Pornography tends to feature people with specific body types having sex in positions that look good on camera but may not be comfortable in real life while making lots of noise. In reality, people have a much greater diversity of body types, enjoy sex in positions that may not work on camera, and may not express their satisfaction as loudly as porn stars do. People in porn films also typically do not use condoms, which may contribute to the idea that safe sex is not sexy -- a myth that can have serious consequences.
Real-world sex tends to contradict the myths of the Big Lie, while porn reinforces them. In pornography, women are depicted as existing only to satisfy men’s desires, which contributes to misogynistic cultural attitudes. As sociologist Julia Long puts it, “one of the things that pornography does extremely efficiently is provide an endless flow of narratives of women being treated as objects, violated, or ‘done to’.”
Given the pervasiveness of these ideas about sex and women, men can adopt them without even realizing it. If you’re concerned about your own pornography use, ask yourself what your ideas about “good sex” are and whether porn has contributed to them.
Impact on Relationships
Research into the impact of porn on relationships has found mixed results. While an early study suggested that porn viewing made men lose interest in their partners, more recent studies found that wasn’t the case. Starting to watch porn, however, has been found to predict divorce, although the cause and effect relationship is not clear. Another men who watched pornography were less satisfied with their sex lives. Other studies have looked at the relationship between pornography use and infidelity. Couples that don’t watch porn at all have lower rates of cheating, while porn viewing was associated with less relationship satisfaction and higher levels of infidelity.
What is clear is that pornography presents an unrealistic view of women and sex. Some men may be able to keep in mind that porn presents a fantasy and don’t let watching interfere with their enjoyment of real life. Others, however, may find that spending so much time in fantasy makes the real world -- real women, real sex-- seem unsatisfactory by comparison. If that sounds like you, it may be time to scale back your viewing and perhaps talk with a therapist about how porn is impacting you.
Porn Use and Sex Addiction
We know that lots of people watch porn. For a smaller number, use rises to the level of addiction that has been compared to drug addiction. One study found that the striatum, an area of the brain involved in reward, was smaller in people who watched a lot of porn, although it is not clear if this was a cause or effect. Another study looked at the brains of three of the same areas were activated as when drug addicts were shown drug stimuli. Men without CSB didn’t show this activation pattern.
If you find yourself struggling with porn addiction or compulsive sexual behavior -- or are wondering if you have it -- seeing a therapist, particularly one who specializes in or is familiar with sex addiction, can help you understand and change your behavior. Therapy can also help alter any harmful views you may have absorbed about sex, relationships, or women.
Does Pornography Lead to Violence?
Some people have wondered whether excessive porn viewing makes individuals more likely to commit sex crimes. Research has shown that, in societies where pornography was made legal after being illegal, the rate of sex crimes actually went down. But research by Neil Malamuth found that, while excessive porn use is not a sole cause of sexual violence, it increases the odds that an individual with such inclinations will commit sex crimes .
Whether or not porn contributes to actual violence, it certainly contains a lot of images of it. And those images can have a profound effect on how men view women. For young people whose “sex education” is coming from these films, the lesson that violence against women is acceptable and even desirable can have dire consequences. While Michael Castleman points out that many scenes of violence in porn are in the context of consensual BDSM scenarios, this distinction may be lost on most young people.
Healthy Porn Use
But pornography can also be part of a healthy sex life. While men who watch porn alone report lower satisfaction in their relationships, partners who watch together are more sexually satisfied and more committed to each other. In this way, porn can be something that is enjoyed together and contributes to a loving, dedicated relationship. Used like this, porn is not an escape from the real world but a fantasy that a couple can share.
Some people watch porn without negative impacts on their beliefs or behaviors. If you’re in a relationship and wondering if porn is a problem, ask your partner. In addition to evaluating your own porn use, you can open up communication with your partner to see how they feel it impacts your relationship.
Real Love in the Real World
Sex does not equal love, but you can make love while having sex. Understanding sex as something that happens in the real world with a real person is part of building a loving, reciprocal relationship that is very different from the ones portrayed in porn films.
Technology has made porn ubiquitous and advances in virtual reality will likely increase its appeal. It’s not going anywhere. But we can look critically at porn’s messages and how they impact us. We can control what we watch, how much we watch, and whether we watch at all.