Self-Care: When You Can't Get Away

6 Ideas for Self-Care When You Can’t Get Away

by Kate Johnson, LAMFT

I should have seen it coming. After 11 months of slogging through the pandemic and all that comes with it, plus the looming deadline of a project two years in the making, stress levels in our household were already at an all-time high when my husband tested positive for COVID-19. We stressed over his health, my health, our kid’s health, and everyone with whom we’d come in contact. Everything came to a screeching halt while we scrambled to arrange school and work to be done at home while we quarantined. My anxiety was off the charts. If my loved ones, neighbors, and clients were any indication, I knew I was not alone.

Times like these call for intentional self-care techniques to manage it all. The difficulty for many is that some activities we do to fill our tanks are not available in the pandemic, especially when we are stuck at home in lock-down. Quarantine for those that live with others often means no time alone to rest and recenter. Those that live alone often feel isolated and disconnected. It’s a challenge for everyone. I had to dig deep and get creative to find some activities that could still provide the rest and re-centering I needed to juggle everything.

Here are six ideas for self-care when you can’t get away. These can be done alone or with others. Got kids? Practicing these ideas are great to teach and model for your children. We’re a system— if I can manage stress and stay calm, others are more likely to follow suit. Bad temper spreads, but so does good temper.

1. Breathe. Yep, it’s that simple. When things feel out of control, chaotic, and stressful, even 30 seconds of intentional breathing can help regulate the heart rate, get oxygen to the brain, and calm nerves.

2. Focus. Being intentional and focused can make a big difference. When you touch something, really touch it. Pay attention to how delightful it is to hold a warm cup of something delicious or how soft your favorite sweater feels against your skin.

3. Move. The benefits of moving our bodies is undeniable. In quarantine in the dead of winter? No thanks. It’s the couch and Netflix for me, thanks. I get it, but before you get wrapped up in that cozy blanket, go for a stroll, do a few jumping jacks, walk up and down the stairs, or walk the dog. Even the family might join in. (There is nothing funnier than watching little kids try to do jumping jacks. And, bonus! laughter is great exercise.)

4. Connect. Isolation breeds isolation, even when you’re with others. In quarantine alone: Call a friend. Zoom a family member. In quarantine with others: Be present with the people with you whenever you can. Take just a few minutes to look them in the eyes, give them a hug, be curious about their experience. While I was with my kids almost every moment of every day, I wasn’t present, intentional, or curious very often. When I was, it made all the difference.

5. Have Compassion. For yourself and others. Whether you say it out loud or in your head, tell yourself “this is hard and I’m doing the best I can and so is everyone else.”

6. Journal. Whether it’s the written word, art, or photo journaling, stop to remember that this is history. This is also temporary. Keeping a journal is a way of reminding ourselves that it won’t always be this way. We can look back at this time and be proud we made it through!

Are these going to have the same impact as a date night out with my partner, a weekend away with friends, or a luxurious vacation? Of course not, but these six ideas for self-care can give us the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Resentment

Why do I Resent my Partner?

by Michelle Pomeroy, LMFT

Have you ever felt resentment toward your significant other? Resentment is an awful feeling. It can feel like a gut punch simmering at a low boil. Have you ever wondered where it comes from?

Like many other emotions, resentment has roots in unmet and often unspoken relationship needs. What are relationship needs? Every human being has relationship needs. We are born into this world as individuals whose survival depends on a safe connection with caregivers. Those same basic needs, to feel cared for, nurtured and safe stay with us throughout life. We carry those needs with us from the cradle to the grave.

Though they vary some, most individuals experience similar relationship needs. Some examples of these relationship needs include: feeling like you belong, feeling accepted, feeling valued, being good enough, being respected, being trusted, being seen, feeling understood etc. Some needs are stronger than others and are linked to past experiences, personal identity, and family roles. 

So how does this apply to feeling resentful of your significant other? Resentment is one of many common feelings experienced when one or more of these relationship needs are not met. Let’s walk through an example with a fictitious couple. 

Carrie and Sawyer are very in love and care for one another deeply. Carrie realizes her deepest relationship longing is to feel understood by Sawyer. Sawyer recognizes how important it is for him to be accepted by Carrie. 

Carrie, who wants to be deeply understood, launches into telling Sawyer about every detail of the day. Sawyer in turn feels overwhelmed from the events of the day and doesn’t have the bandwidth to listen and be present. Carrie can tell Sawyer is not really listening to her and is hurt because she is not feeling understood, so she gets upset and criticizes Sawyer for not listening. Sawyer is hurt by Carrie’s criticism because he needs to feel accepted by her. In response he leaves the room.

The couple finds themselves alone and detached which was neither hoped for nor intended. If the couple continues in this pattern, resentment can build and block connection. 

3 Questions to ask your partner to discover their relationship needs:

1. What do you most long for in our relationship?

2. How do you wish you felt in our relationship?

3. What 5 words describe our ideal relationship?

Connecting Talk

Connecting Talk:
A Path to Deeper Connection

by Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT, CEFT

“Hey, are you doing ok? I noticed you’ve been a bit quiet. I’m here if you want to talk...”  This is an example of what we call “Connecting Talk,” which is a style of communication that invites closeness, greater understanding, and moments of comfort and clarity. When couples move into a style of communication that is connecting, the conversation tends to move to a deeper level. Healthy communication is one of the most important elements of human relationships, and when relationships suffer, you can be certain Connecting Talk is absent and unhealthy patterns have taken hold.

Connecting Talk encourages emotional connection, and this deeper connection is much more likely as each partner is open to a more intimate awareness of both their own and their partner’s experience. When couples use Connecting Talk, they share a fuller range of information: feelings, desires, deeper aspects of self and their partner’s experience, as well as exploring unmet needs together. The challenge is that Connecting Talk requires vulnerability and authenticity, which in turn requires courage and lots of practice.

Positive Impact of Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk prompts the couple to investigate and understand each other’s experience. When couples practice and improve on Connecting Talk, the relationship flourishes, and there are multiple benefits both personally and relationally. The couple is more likely to find acceptance and to take accountability for their own actions and influence in the relationship.  They are more likely to disclose information with honesty while feeling an increase in emotional safety. A willingness to be vulnerable sends positive messages to their partner, which increases the likelihood of openness and risk. Most importantly, defensiveness and blame are less likely to cloud the relationship.

The How of Connecting Talk 

 What does Connecting Talk “look like?” The following are specific examples of ways you can incorporate connection in your communication with each other:

• Speaking for yourself and not your partner

• Owning and sharing your own experience

• Identifying difficult emotions

• Sharing complaints without attacking

• Acknowledging differences

• Managing escalating emotions

An example of something you might say to your partner is, “It is hard for me when you say, ‘be ready in 10 minutes’ and you are not ready for another ½ hour.”  Another example would be, “I am really struggling with my job, and I would like to talk to you about making a career change,” or “I am willing to take the kids to the park so you can work on your project.”  A key phrase that works universally is, “I really need your help when...”

Practice Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk requires intentional, thoughtful shifts in your daily communication. Consider setting aside a time to practice with your partner.  Share with each other something about yourself that you may have never shared before. Try to find something to share that is safe but personal.  Some examples would be, (1) A most embarrassing moment; (2) A happy moment you wish you could experience again; or (3) A time when you were afraid or alone.  Share and discuss what it was like to hear about your partner’s experience. What was surprising about the experience?  What was it like to share your memories with your partner?  Incorporate Connecting Talk in your daily communication and notice how it brightens your day and strengthens your relationship with your sweetheart. 

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Caring Behaviors

Caring Behaviors Nourish the Marriage

by Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT, CEFT

Imagine coming home after a very difficult, long, and discouraging day on the job. When you walk in, your partner notices you have arrived, puts down whatever they were doing, and walks over to offer you a lingering hug of welcome. It is likely you would feel a sense of reassurance, love, acceptance, and an overall sense that everything is going to be ok. You feel this sense of peace and reassurance because of what we call “caring behaviors.” These are separate and apart from couple rituals, which are things couples create and do together that become anchors in their day or week. Couple rituals solidify the sense of belonging and love shared between the couple. 

What is the difference between couple rituals and caring behaviors?

Caring behaviors can be spontaneous small and simple acts of affection and kindness... gestures of affection and admiration, that go beyond the daily couple rituals. They convey powerful messages that strengthen and nourish a marital relationship. As couples go about their busy days and demanding lives there is a danger that these caring behaviors might slowly slip away. When the caring behaviors no longer happen, couples begin to feel disconnected, lonely, insecure, and distant from each other. It is because these caring behaviors are so simple and seemingly insignificant that we tend to forget how important they really are. Caring behaviors require thoughtful, planned, and intentional steps of connection and affection.

What are caring behaviors? What kinds of things do spouses do for each other to build and maintain secure attachment?

Spontaneous touches such as reaching for your partner’s hand, a wink of an eye, or a brief smile when you catch your partner’s glance are sweet investments in the security of your partner. Other examples include offering positive affirmations on a regular basis, saying “I love you,” instead of “love ya!” When not together, caring gestures can include texting in the middle of the day to show your partner you are thinking about them. When obstacles get in the way, texting or calling when you know you will be late sends a strong message that your partner matters, and that commitments are important to you. A powerful caring gesture could be complimenting your partner to someone else or talking positively about them in their presence. 

If caring behaviors have been missing in your relationship with your spouse, take some time to consider some small gestures you can add to your daily investment in the security of your partner. Even more impactful is asking your partner what caring behaviors they long for, and then seek ways to implement those in your daily rituals of connecting as a couple. Notice how quickly the relationship changes, your connection deepens, and your own feelings of fulfillment increase. 

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