The Power of A.R.E.

THE POWER OF A.R.E.

ACCESSIBILITY—RESPONSIVENESS—ENGAGEMENT

By Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT, CEFT

What are the 3 main elements of healthy communication? Let’s start with some questions to consider:

Are you accessible to your partner?

Are you responsive to your partner?

Are you engaged while interacting with your partner?

How did you do on this pop quiz? It may be the first time you have ever considered these questions, and the first time you paused long enough to assess how you are doing in each area of connecting with your partner. Maybe you aren’t sure what you can do to clearly convey to your partner that you are accessible, responsive, and intend to remain engaged in the connecting experience. Acronyms are useful in remembering concepts, so here is one that will help you as you practice healthier connecting behaviors: A.R.E. The following is an overview of each term, and what you can do to achieve a healthy state of A.R.E.

When you are accessible to your partner in times of need, and when you respond in comforting and soothing ways, you are sending a powerful message of love and support to your partner. Ideally, this would be a reciprocal pattern, and your partner would offer this to you.  These types of connecting behaviors create a deeper sense of security and reassurance for both partners. When both partners can offer accessibility and responsiveness, moments of bonding are more likely to occur.

However, many couples neglect an even more important aspect of healthy communication. They neglect the principle of remaining engaged. When you remain engaged in the connecting moment, you are deepening the connection, offering a message of acceptance, and promoting greater health and stability in your relationship. When these behaviors are consistent within the relationship, both partners experience a greater sense of value and relationship security.  

Accessible: (I AM HERE FOR YOU) Being accessible means you are available and interested in your partner and what they have to say. It means offering them an invitation to talk and share. Your body language is just as important as your words. Eye contact is a powerful way to convey interest and to experience immediate connection. Setting aside your phone, computer, tv, etc., says, “You are more important than anything else right now.” The more consistent we are in our ability to convey, “I am here for you,”the more security and emotional safety will develop for both partners.

Responsive: (I HEAR YOU AND I WANT TO FEEL AND UNDERSTAND YOUR EXPERIENCE) Being responsive means listening intently when your partner shares their feelings. It also means reflecting and offering them your own heart-felt sharing. When you listen intently, your concentration is not on your own response or opinion, but instead you are concentrating on what you are hearing from your partner. The listening aspect of communication is the most difficult task in the process and requires cultivation, practice, and consistency.  Our efficient brains often speed ahead of those who are talking, and typically, humans are used to preparing their own rebuttal or commentary on what is being shared. This distracts the listener from the message of the speaker and causes a disconnect in clarity and understanding. Instead, your response might be, “I am so glad you are sharing this with me. Can you tell me more?”

Active listening and responding requires a level of humility, practice, and an intentional focus on what your partner is trying to convey.  It requires being open to the meaning of the message from your partner and seeking deeper understanding within the message they are sharing. Resist the temptation to judge what is being said, and instead actively respond with questions to clarify the message and its meaning. When your partner experiences your responsiveness, they will feel your interest and true presence in the moment. This is one of the greatest gifts you can offer your partner in these important moments of communication. Your active and responsive listening will be a welcome dose of kindness toward your partner and will enhance the emotional safety and security within your relationship. 

Engaged: (I AM CURIOUS, AND I INVITE MORE INFORMATION FOR CLARITY) When a person is engaged in an experience, it is a time of immersion and presence in the very moment of person-to-person connection. Your partner will be able to feel your curiosity, and your desire for them to share more information for more clarity. It is important to turn your body toward your partner, offer them frequent eye contact, and periodic gestures of touch. You might ask questions that invite your partner to share more information. One of the most powerful questions one can ask is, “Do you have more you can tell me about this?” As you listen, instead of debating, defending, or offering any input, you are receiving, exploring, and cultivating safety and emotional security. 

The process of applying A.R.E. in your communications with your partner, and others in your world, is not easy. It requires intentional application, practice, while offering yourself wiggle room to not do it perfectly every time. The most important thing to remember is that this is a journey of refinement with no urgent deadline. If you can practice A.R.E. daily, you will eventually become an expert in communicating at this level, and you will be more likely to experience greater fulfillment and satisfaction in your most important relationships.

All Rights Reserved © 2022 Dr. Debi Gilmore and Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen