The Eyes of a Withdrawer
/
Seeing the World through the Eyes of a Withdrawer
by Ed Peterson, LCSW
In intimate romantic relationships, a couple is usually made up of one person who tends to pursue, we call the Pursuer, and one person who tends to withdraw, we call the Withdrawer. In this article I will delve into how the withdrawers see the world.
When there is conflict in the relationship, the Withdrawer tends to move away from the situation by getting quiet or shutting down. These Withdrawers usually have an avoidant attachment style which causes them to move away from intimacy and conflict.
Master EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) therapist Lori Schade says this of the Avoidant attachment style:
An attachment style in which individuals tend to suppress or deactivate their own emotional needs from others and instead rely on themselves, giving them the tendency to avoid closeness in personal relationships.
When there is conflict the Pursuer tends to get louder or bigger or critical, which has the effect on the Withdrawer to react in the way of the avoidant. The words we often hear from Withdrawers when they describe what happens to them when there is conflict are that they feel anxiety in their bodies, which often shows up in a tight chest or upset stomach. The feelings reported are often shame or sadness or anger. The meaning that they make from the actions of the Pursuer is often that they are getting it wrong or that they messed up or that they should be quiet and withdraw so as not to make the situation worse.
This reaction by the Withdrawer usually causes the Pursuer to feel more anxious or angry.
So, we can see the dilemma for the Withdrawer. When the Pursuer comes forward with demands or anger, what they want is a reaction or some type of engagement from the Withdrawer. But everything in the Withdrawer’s body and mind pushes him/her to shut down and move away from the situation or take emotions inside and not engage.
EFT couples therapy addresses this kind of a cycle and helps Withdrawers come back to the relationship and engage with the Pursuers. It takes time, but there is great hope that these negative cycles can turn into productive communication, and that the Withdrawer can learn to share emotional experiences and no longer feel like a failure or someone who cannot meet the emotional needs of the Pursuer.