Anxiety & Anger

What is the purpose of anxiety and anger?

by Moriah Mason, CSW

As humans, we all have felt painful or uncomfortable emotions such as anxiety and anger. It is helpful to realize, however, that most of the time, anxiety and anger are secondary emotions. This means that they are reactions to another powerful emotion that we are feeling. If you can pause, take a deep breath, and then ask yourself “What is really going on here?” The answer is usually not that you are feeling anxiety and anger, but that maybe you are feeling sad or fearful. When someone hurts you, all the feelings you feel are valid. Let them guide you to how you are really feeling and have compassion for yourself. If you can imagine a child coming to you feeling scared and lonely and how kind and loving you would be to them, it can help you be more patient and accepting with yourself. You deserve to be treated that way as well. 

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is a person’s reaction to a situation that threatens their well-being.  Anxiety symptoms can vary depending on the person and the situation. You might first notice the changes in your body-shortness of breath, a tightness in your chest, racing thoughts, sweating, trouble sleeping, tenseness in your muscles, or even a headache. 

What is anger?

Anger is described as an emotional state that arises from a difficult situation. Some signs of anger include reacting by yelling, withdrawing, storming out of a room, experiencing a panic attack, crying, or doing something impulsive. 

What is the purpose of anxiety?

Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, tells us that in many ways, our brains have still not evolved from the ways of thinking that our cavemen ancestors did. Cavemen were always on the lookout for danger because resources were scarce. It was also important for ancient people to have a community to survive. When we feel rejected, lonely, scared, or threatened we are activating those same parts of our brains that have been triggered for thousands of years. While experiencing these emotions is not a pleasant experience, they can tell us important information about ourselves. So what can we do with this information?

First, it’s important to realize that when you feel these unpleasant emotions- it is your brain’s way of protecting you. Our minds are always looking out for us. And while that doesn’t stop us from the discomfort, it can help us recognize what is happening. One way that I like to help myself when I feel anxious is by thanking my brain, as silly as that sounds. I recognize the emotion and then thank my brain for looking out for me. I would mentally or out loud say to myself “I am feeling anxious right now. Thank you brain for having my back.”

Lastly, let your emotions tell you about yourself. Chances are if you are feeling anxiety and anger about something, it means a lot to you. Of course you will be upset if those valuable things in your life are threatened! If you are someone who tries to talk yourself out of feeling your emotions or feels shame when you feel anxiety and anger, you can validate yourself by knowing that you deeply care about something. How lucky you are to feel passionately about people or aspects of your life. What a gift.

Feeling “negative” emotions is uncomfortable, but extremely important in order to move through life in a healthy way, keep your mental health in check, practice self-care, and learn about yourself. The next time you feel these feelings rise up, don’t be afraid to pause and acknowledge the emotion, thank your brain for looking out for you, and see what you can learn from them. 

Shame: What is it and why is it harmful?

Shame is defined as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior”. It can stem from making mistakes, doing something that goes against our values, or embarrassment. It’s such an unpleasant feeling that it causes us to make harsh judgments about ourselves. Brene Brown has become a modern expert on shame, having spent years studying it. She has talked about how shame tells us that we are “bad” rather than we “did something bad”. Shame can be a very unhelpful emotion in our progress to grow and become better people. 

What can we do when we start to spiral with shame? Our human brains often default to criticism, but shame can increase the pain we are already experiencing from the mistakes we make. Here are some ideas for helping you not get caught up in this dangerous emotion:

• Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling. Chances are they’ve felt similar feelings and can offer you empathy. Empathy helps you know that you are alone.

• Part of forgiving yourself involves learning from your mistakes. What can you take away from this experience to become a better person?

• Close your eyes and imagine someone you love feeling the way you do. What would you say to them? Can you repeat those words to yourself until they start to sink in?

• Remember that beating yourself up does not change what happened, it only makes you feel even worse. 

• Think about how you are made of many parts and facets. You are much more than what you did.

• Often our challenges overshadow the good things that happen. Make a list of the value you bring to others and to the world. 

• Allow yourself to feel sad for what you did but extend yourself enough kindness to remember that it is not your identity.

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Moriah Mason is offering weekday and evening therapy sessions at The EFT Clinic’s Millcreek location. To schedule a session with Moriah, email moriah@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.

Self-Care: When You Can't Get Away

6 Ideas for Self-Care When You Can’t Get Away

by Kate Johnson, LAMFT

I should have seen it coming. After 11 months of slogging through the pandemic and all that comes with it, plus the looming deadline of a project two years in the making, stress levels in our household were already at an all-time high when my husband tested positive for COVID-19. We stressed over his health, my health, our kid’s health, and everyone with whom we’d come in contact. Everything came to a screeching halt while we scrambled to arrange school and work to be done at home while we quarantined. My anxiety was off the charts. If my loved ones, neighbors, and clients were any indication, I knew I was not alone.

Times like these call for intentional self-care techniques to manage it all. The difficulty for many is that some activities we do to fill our tanks are not available in the pandemic, especially when we are stuck at home in lock-down. Quarantine for those that live with others often means no time alone to rest and recenter. Those that live alone often feel isolated and disconnected. It’s a challenge for everyone. I had to dig deep and get creative to find some activities that could still provide the rest and re-centering I needed to juggle everything.

Here are six ideas for self-care when you can’t get away. These can be done alone or with others. Got kids? Practicing these ideas are great to teach and model for your children. We’re a system— if I can manage stress and stay calm, others are more likely to follow suit. Bad temper spreads, but so does good temper.

1. Breathe. Yep, it’s that simple. When things feel out of control, chaotic, and stressful, even 30 seconds of intentional breathing can help regulate the heart rate, get oxygen to the brain, and calm nerves.

2. Focus. Being intentional and focused can make a big difference. When you touch something, really touch it. Pay attention to how delightful it is to hold a warm cup of something delicious or how soft your favorite sweater feels against your skin.

3. Move. The benefits of moving our bodies is undeniable. In quarantine in the dead of winter? No thanks. It’s the couch and Netflix for me, thanks. I get it, but before you get wrapped up in that cozy blanket, go for a stroll, do a few jumping jacks, walk up and down the stairs, or walk the dog. Even the family might join in. (There is nothing funnier than watching little kids try to do jumping jacks. And, bonus! laughter is great exercise.)

4. Connect. Isolation breeds isolation, even when you’re with others. In quarantine alone: Call a friend. Zoom a family member. In quarantine with others: Be present with the people with you whenever you can. Take just a few minutes to look them in the eyes, give them a hug, be curious about their experience. While I was with my kids almost every moment of every day, I wasn’t present, intentional, or curious very often. When I was, it made all the difference.

5. Have Compassion. For yourself and others. Whether you say it out loud or in your head, tell yourself “this is hard and I’m doing the best I can and so is everyone else.”

6. Journal. Whether it’s the written word, art, or photo journaling, stop to remember that this is history. This is also temporary. Keeping a journal is a way of reminding ourselves that it won’t always be this way. We can look back at this time and be proud we made it through!

Are these going to have the same impact as a date night out with my partner, a weekend away with friends, or a luxurious vacation? Of course not, but these six ideas for self-care can give us the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Five Steps to Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice

Five Steps to Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice

by Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT

We all possess an inner critic or “critical inner voice.” We experience this “voice” as a negative internal commentary on who we are and how we behave.

Common critical inner voices include:

“You’re ugly.”
“You’re so stupid.”
“You’re fat.”
“There’s something wrong with you.”
“You’re different from other people.”

Step 1: Identify Your Inner Critic

Using a sheet of paper, divide the page into 3 equal columns. Label the 1st column, “Inner Critic.”  Label the middle column, “Doubting Self,” and label the 3rd column, “Deeper, Wiser Self.” 

One way to help you differentiate from your critical inner voice is to write these thoughts down in the second person (as “you” statements). Under the column labeled “Inner Critic,” write the specific thoughts that automatically come at times when you are self-critical. For example, a thought like “I can’t get anything right. I’ll never be successful” should be written as “You can’t get anything right. You’ll never be successful.” This will help you see these thoughts as an alien point of view and not as true statements. Notice how hostile this internal enemy can be. Continue to fill out the column with as many statements as possible. 

Try to identify what your critical inner voice is telling you. Acknowledge that this thought process is separate from your real point of view. Remember that your critical inner voice is not a reflection of reality. It is a viewpoint you adopted based on destructive early life experiences and attitudes directed toward you that you’ve internalized as your own point of view.

Step 2: Doubting Self

In the middle column, you will write: “Yup!” and leave the entire column blank other than this statement of agreement. This suggests that the Doubting Self has no voice, and only agrees with the Inner Critic voice. This also reinforces the power of these two “selves” as two inner voices against your Deeper, Wiser Self. The feeling of being “outnumbered” by the two negative selves causes us to feel weakened, powerless, and robbed of self-confidence. 

Step 3: Deeper, Wiser Self

In the 3rd column you labeled “Deeper, Wiser Self,” write down statements about your true self. What do you know about you? What do people say about you that makes you feel good about yourself? What are some things that you know you do well, but you may be reluctant to acknowledge openly? Use first person statements such as, “I am a kind person,” or “I love to serve others.” Another example would be “I am a loyal friend.” As you write the statements you might feel awkward or even embarrassed to acknowledge and write down these statements, however, this is likely due to the fact that your Inner Critic voice has become so dominant and has caused you to discount your true gifts as a human being. 

To further expand on this exercise, begin to respond to your inner critic by writing down a more realistic and compassionate evaluation of yourself. Write these responses in the first person (as “I” statements). In response to a thought like, “You’re such an idiot,” you could write, “I may struggle at times, but I am smart and competent in many ways.” This exercise isn’t meant to build you up or boost your ego but to show a kinder, more honest attitude toward yourself.

Step 4: Your Inner Critic’s Lease Is Up—Time to Evict!!

Your Inner Critic took up residence long ago… it is now time to evict that inner voice and refuse to allow any credibility, value or attention to be given to that voice. This process takes power away from the Inner Critic voice and allows your Deeper, Wiser Self to emerge and take back power. 

Step 5: Don't Act on Your Inner Critic

Because the Inner Critic voice has become so familiar, you will be tempted to act on that voice. When you hear that negative voice, face the voice with the following formula:

1. STOP!!

2. Slow down…

3. Evaluate the message—does the message empower my deeper, wiser self, or does the message make me feel sad, worthless, hopeless?

Remember not to act on the directives of your inner critic. Take actions that represent your own point of view, who you want to be and what you aim to achieve. Your critical inner voice may get louder, telling you to stay in line or not to take chances. 

Summary:

This is a very difficult exercise, and you will be tempted to give credence to the Inner Critic because that voice has become so familiar to you. Sometimes it is helpful to share this process with a trusted friend or loved one. Let them know you are embarking on this difficult journey, and that you need their help to remind you of who you really are. The process of identifying, separating from, and acting against this destructive thought process, you will grow stronger, while your inner critic grows weaker and eventually slips into silence.

What Are Boundaries, and Do I Need Them?

What Are Boundaries, and Do I Need Them?

by Carina Wolf, LCSW

Lately, the topic of boundaries has come up quite frequently with my clients. The dictionary defines a boundary as “a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something.” 

In plain and simple English, a boundary is what is ok and not ok to you. There is not rule of what you should find to be ok and acceptable. This is one of the beauties of creating and setting boundaries… it is totally up to you. 

Boundaries are created to keep us safe, whether it is emotionally safe, physically safe or psychologically safe. When we feel safe we have a greater chance to feel self-love and self-compassion. 

I often hear people say that they are afraid of setting boundaries because they don’t want to offend other people or don’t want other people to be mad at them. The worry about being liked is greater than having their needs being met! But people in this situation can also be left resentful, frustrated, angry and upset with people they deem to be breaking their boundaries. But guess what? People can’t break your boundaries if they haven’t been set! And they can’t break boundaries if they are not aware of them. Setting boundaries looks like anything from saying no to a request to being very clear and overt to what boundary you are trying to set.

Here are some words you can use when setting a boundary:

“No, thanks for asking.”

“I can’t this time, thanks for considering me.”

“I won’t be able to attend this function/event, thank you for inviting me.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t allow people to speak to me this way.”

“I don’t allow people to treat me this way.”

Boundaries are not requests. They are statements that are not left open for negotiation. Once you set the boundaries, the other person(s) might try to break them because your boundaries do not serve them. One of the key components of setting boundaries is that you are the only person responsible to uphold them. Your boundaries are not the other person’s responsibility to keep and hold. When you have set your boundaries, and feel that they are being violated, it is your job and no one else’s to reinforce them. It might take some getting used to and you might have to reinforce them a few times before the other person receives the message that you are not moving your boundaries for them. Once again, you set the boundaries and you uphold them!

Ultimately, boundaries are about respect. Respect for yourself, your time and your well being. Nothing can be sustained for a long period of time without boundaries.

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Online Reference: www.dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/boundary.

Carina Wolf is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Carina, please call (385-695-5949) or email carina@theeftclinic.com.