Assertiveness
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You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Feelings
by Mallorie Sorce, LMFT
Many people confuse Assertiveness with Aggression. They assume that standing up for themselves or having a different opinion comes off as being rude or cocky. Assertiveness is defined as “having or showing a confident or forceful personality,” while Aggression is defined as “hostile or violent behavior or attitudes toward another; readiness to attack or confront.” Being assertive is based on mutual respect, it says to the other person, “I hear you; however, I have a different perception.” Aggression says, “I am trying to scare or force you into seeing my perspective only.”
Being assertive helps you stand up for yourself and express yourself in a way that you can be heard by others without them becoming defensive. It also helps you earn respect from others and builds a positive sense of self. If you are someone who has trouble saying no, which often leaves you resentful or in a bind, learning to be assertive can help relieve this stress.
You may be asking, “But how do I become assertive?” Great question! It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. For instance, being assertive is being direct and to the point, while also maintaining respect for the person to whom you’re speaking. First, reflect on how you normally interact with others. Are you quick to defend yourself? Do you find yourself giving in to people when, in fact, you really don’t want to? Do you change your opinion in hopes of not making waves with the person to whom you’re speaking? Or are you overly aggressive and find that others are constantly upset with you?
Once you determine the way you interact with others, it is important to think about the message you really want to send. Using “I” statements can help by avoiding sounding accusatory. For instance, try saying, “I could really use some help around the house,” rather than, “you never help around the house.” If you have a different opinion, try saying, “I can see where you’re coming from, but I disagree.” Additionally, if you are someone who has trouble saying no, remember that we all have the right to say no and we are not responsible for other’s feelings about this. Be direct and don’t apologize. If an explanation is necessary, keep it brief.
Keep in mind that becoming assertive can take time. Remember to start small, practice beforehand, and act confident even if you aren’t feeling it. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Above all else, remember that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. You’ll be surprised how good it feels to honor and express yourself more often!
Mayo Clinic (2020, May 29). Being Assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better. Mayo Clinic.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644