Size Doesn't Matter

Unrealistic Expectations:
It’s the Size of Your Heart, Not Your Private Part

by Adam Nisenson, LAMFT, CSAT

When it comes to our intimate body parts, men can be particularly sensitive when it comes to their judgments around penis size. In my practice, I’ve found that many men have fears that a small or even average-sized penis makes them less manly. For sure, popular culture contributes to this feeling, from watching porn, to seeing penile-enlargement ads on the internet, to off-hand remarks and jokes about size by influencers and even our closest friends. 

Maybe those well-endowed male porn stars who strut their stuff in scripted scenes with unsuspecting ladies are provoking men to question the size of their phallus, despite that we know porn actors are chosen for their size and that image enhancement also helps give that larger-than-life appearance. It makes a man wonder, though … Want to know what penis percentile you fall into? Enter your length, girth, and flaccid size into an online calculator.[1]  Yes, a penis size calculator; just what we don’t need.

Seriously, men can feel inordinately insecure about their sexual body parts and their ability to give pleasure, and in the process, judge themselves as not manly. But that is a belief that just isn’t true.

What’s So Great about Size?

From an aesthetic standpoint, maybe men with larger penises put on a good visual show, but after that, it’s confidence in yourself and being connected to your partner that really counts. Size is and always will be subjective. Size is not a prerequisite for better sex; It can be simply a preference.

Studies on sexual satisfaction point to the significant role of everyday kissing, hugging, touching, affection, and overall well-being between sexual partners.[2]  “Happy hormones” actually course through our bodies during physical intimacy, helping us to feel closeness and connectedness during intimate moments. With this into consideration, concerns about how well-endowed you are fall to the wayside.

Our lives are filled with preferences. What women value in a sexual partner is relative and varying. But most women will admit that length or girth doesn’t have anything to do with sex being good or not. We all need reassurance. And guys, if you think your woman is just trying to make you feel better when she tells you that size doesn’t matter, she may actually mean it!

“It’s not the size of the boat; it’s the motion of the ocean” meme isn’t just uttered platitudes. Well-hung doesn’t have the appeal most men think. Case in point: Research conducted at UCLA and Cal State Los Angeles a few years back reported that 84% of women feel “very satisfied” with their mate’s penis size. Fourteen percent wish it were larger and 2% would prefer smaller. Over 26,000 women between the ages of 18 and 65 took part in the study.[3]  That’s a convincing endorsement for the theory that size doesn’t matter, don’t you think?

Men also tend to have inflated beliefs about how other men stack up in terms of size. Many men are under the misconception that the average penis size is larger than it actually is. The average erect penis is a little over 5 inches, with a circumference of just over 4.5 inches.[4]  Surprised?

Not Just a Man Thing

Feeling inadequate about our appearance crosses gender lines. Men and women alike can get consumed with their physical appearance. Am I too weak looking? Do I have too much belly fat? Will she like a guy that’s losing his hair? What will she or he think when they see me naked?

Men obsess about their private body parts much like women. Some women feel inadequate about their breast size just as men feel inadequate about their penis size. Will he pass me over for the woman with the larger breasts? 

Society has set standards of beauty that we feel compelled to follow. Penis and breast enlargement, botox treatments, liposuction, implants, veneers and the list goes on. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) reports that male cosmetic procedures rose 29% over the last decade the U.S.5  We have multi-billion dollar industries that cater to our inadequacies about our bodies and our desire to “fix” them into some prescribed idea of perfection … an idea that has no basis in reality. 

An All-Sensory Experience

The myriad of sexual experiences available to you and your partner transcends physical attributes. No matter your penis size, you can find sex positions that work for you and your partner. The important thing is for you to feel happy in your own skin. Sexual appeal is about how you show up, being vulnerable, and being loving and true to yourself and your partner. 

Sex is an all-sensory experience. Be happy and confident that you can give pleasure, whatever your size.

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References:

1. Lever, J. et al. “Does Size Matter? Men’s and Women’s Views on Penis Size Across the Lifespan,” Psychology of Men and Masculinity (2006) 7:129.

2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201707/the-secret-reason-why-sex-is-so-crucial-in-relationships

3. https://calcsd.netlify.app

4. https://www.wbur.org/commonhealth/2015/03/03/biggest-study-penis-size

5. https://aedit.com/aedition/what-you-need-to-know-about-male-plastic-surgery-trends

Understanding Human Sexuality

Understanding Human Sexuality

By Mallorie Sorce, LMFT

In honor of Pride month, I wanted to share some knowledge about human sexuality that can be quite confusing. Although some of these Frequently Asked Questions may seem obvious to some, I think most people would be surprised at how little they really understand about the differences between these words and phrases.

Q: What is the difference between sex and gender?

A: Sex is defined by our biological position on the spectrum of femaleness and maleness. Gender is defined by our psychological and sociocultural attributes that are associated with being female or male. 

Q: What does gender identity mean?

A: Gender identity is defined by one’s personal, subjective sense of their gender, which is different from our biological sex. 

Q: What is sexual orientation? 

A: Sexual orientation is the unique pattern of sexual and romantic desire, behavior, and identity that each person experiences. 

Q: Doesn’t sexual orientation consist of just three categories, heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual? 

A: No it does not. After several studies, Alfred Kinsey discovered that sexual orientation is more of a continuum so he developed the Kinsey Scale. On the Kinsey Scale, 0 represents exclusive patterns of heterosexual behavior and attraction, and 6 represent an exclusive pattern of homosexual behavior and attraction. The numbers in between the two represent varying levels of bisexuality. 

Many people use sex and gender interchangeably without realizing the difference. While sex refers to our biology, gender defines our expectations about what makes us feminine or masculine and is determined by psychological, social, and cultural characteristics. Knowing the difference is not only important in order to fully understand what someone is talking about but also important in order to inform someone who may be confused about this. Additionally, many people believe that our sex should determine our gender. This is where understanding sexual identity comes into play. Sexual identity refers to a person’s individual perception of being female or male. A person could have an outward appearance of a male but have female sex organs and instead of identifying as female, identify as male, which is a form of transgenderism. Sexual orientation is often lumped into three categories such as heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual. However, thanks to Alfred Kinsey, we now know that sexual orientation is much more complex than this and should be described as being a continuum as shown below.

New research has shown that sexual minorities such as bisexual, gay, transgender, and lesbian individuals are at a higher risk for depression than heterosexual individuals. The reason being that they are (for varied reasons) less open about their sexual orientation. Knowing this can help aid people in their journey to discover their sexual orientation and become more comfortable and supported in being open about it. It can also help you to be more aware of things to be looking for like signs of depression, anxiety, suicide, and stress in a friend, family member, co-worker, etc. who may be exploring their sexual orientation.

With more support and acceptance of the LGBTQ community in this day and age, brings about those who have been hiding their true gender identity or sexual orientation. Now more than ever, it is important to understand important terms and meanings of these terms in order to better serve this community and also family members and friends of the LGBTQ community who may not understand the research behind these terms and the importance of supporting them despite their beliefs. By sharing our knowledge of sexual orientation, we can work together to end hate and discrimination.

The Birds and The Bees: How Porn Impacts Life and Love in the Real World

The Birds and The Bees: How Porn Impacts Life and Love in the Real World

By Adam Nisenson, LAMFT, CSAT-C

“There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person. 

In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of 

the person, but that it shows far too little.”

-Pope John Paul II

When it comes to sex and relationships, there is no one normal. Many forms of sexual expression can take place within and outside of healthy, functional relationships. But sex can also be used in harmful ways. Does watching pornography lead to unhealthy views of sex and relationships? It’s an important question, since pornography is incredibly prevalent. The popular online site PornHub released its year-in-review statistics: over 42 billion site visits. That’s an average of 115 million visits each day.

This is an unprecedented situation. The widespread availability means that young people are learning about sex from pornography. Adults have unlimited access to a vast array of material that would have been unthinkable to previous generations. This has created an inaccurate and skewed view of what real sex and making love is, and that may be leading some men to seek out the kinds of sex they see on screen rather than the intimacy and true love that we deeply need as human beings. 

In addition to its prevalence, pornography is controversial. Despite—or maybe because of—its popularity, pornography has long been considered unhealthy and dangerous, with the state of Utah even officially calling it “a public health hazard” in 2016.  Supreme Court Justice Potter famously said of pornography, “I know it when I see it,” but it’s hard to know whether or not it actually causes harm. 

 Both research and public opinion have come to various conclusions. This uncertainty means that individuals may be the final arbiter of how porn use affects them. If you worry that you might have an unhealthy relationship with pornography, take a look at the potential negative impacts and ask yourself honestly if they apply to you. The messages in many porn films play into the Big Lie -- that being sexually dominant is a key part of masculinity and that female pleasure doesn’t matter (and perhaps that size does).

 Porn Does Not Show Real Sex

With the advent of the internet, porn has become incredibly easy to access, and that means it is where more and more young people learn their first lessons about sex. Nowadays, learning about sex from other kids on the playground sounds almost wholesome by comparison. And porn is probably less accurate about real sex than the neighborhood kids of time gone by. Pornography tends to feature people with specific body types having sex in positions that look good on camera but may not be comfortable in real life while making lots of noise. In reality, people have a much greater diversity of body types, enjoy sex in positions that may not work on camera, and may not express their satisfaction as loudly as porn stars do. People in porn films also typically do not use condoms, which may contribute to the idea that safe sex is not sexy -- a myth that can have serious consequences.

Real-world sex tends to contradict the myths of the Big Lie, while porn reinforces them. In pornography, women are depicted as existing only to satisfy men’s desires, which contributes to misogynistic cultural attitudes. As sociologist Julia Long puts it, “one of the things that pornography does extremely efficiently is provide an endless flow of narratives of women being treated as objects, violated, or ‘done to’.”

Given the pervasiveness of these ideas about sex and women, men can adopt them without even realizing it.  If you’re concerned about your own pornography use, ask yourself what your ideas about “good sex” are and whether porn has contributed to them. 

Impact on Relationships

Research into the impact of porn on relationships has found mixed results. While an early study suggested that porn viewing made men lose interest in their partners, more recent studies found that wasn’t the case. Starting to watch porn, however, has been found to predict divorce, although the cause and effect relationship is not clear.  Another men who watched pornography were less satisfied with their sex lives. Other studies have looked at the relationship between pornography use and infidelity. Couples that don’t watch porn at all have lower rates of cheating, while porn viewing was associated with less relationship satisfaction and higher levels of infidelity.

What is clear is that pornography presents an unrealistic view of women and sex. Some men may be able to keep in mind that porn presents a fantasy and don’t let watching interfere with their enjoyment of real life. Others, however, may find that spending so much time in fantasy makes the real world -- real women, real sex-- seem unsatisfactory by comparison. If that sounds like you, it may be time to scale back your viewing and perhaps talk with a therapist about how porn is impacting you.

Porn Use and Sex Addiction

We know that lots of people watch porn. For a smaller number, use rises to the level of addiction that has been compared to drug addiction. One study found that the striatum, an area of the brain involved in reward, was smaller in people who watched a lot of porn, although it is not clear if this was a cause or effect. Another study looked at the brains of three of the same areas were activated as when drug addicts were shown drug stimuli. Men without CSB didn’t show this activation pattern.

If you find yourself struggling with porn addiction or compulsive sexual behavior -- or are wondering if you have it -- seeing a therapist, particularly one who specializes in or is familiar with sex addiction, can help you understand and change your behavior. Therapy can also help alter any harmful views you may have absorbed about sex, relationships, or women. 

Does Pornography Lead to Violence?

Some people have wondered whether excessive porn viewing makes individuals more likely to commit sex crimes. Research has shown that, in societies where pornography was made legal after being illegal, the rate of sex crimes actually went down. But research by Neil Malamuth found that, while excessive porn use is not a sole cause of sexual violence, it increases the odds that an individual with such inclinations will commit sex crimes .

Whether or not porn contributes to actual violence, it certainly contains a lot of images of it. And those images can have a profound effect on how men view women. For young people whose “sex education” is coming from these films, the lesson that violence against women is acceptable and even desirable can have dire consequences. While Michael Castleman points out that many scenes of violence in porn are in the context of consensual BDSM scenarios, this distinction may be lost on most young people. 

Healthy Porn Use

But pornography can also be part of a healthy sex life. While men who watch porn alone report lower satisfaction in their relationships, partners who watch together are more sexually satisfied and more committed to each other. In this way, porn can be something that is enjoyed together and contributes to a loving, dedicated relationship. Used like this, porn is not an escape from the real world but a fantasy that a couple can share. 

Some people watch porn without negative impacts on their beliefs or behaviors. If you’re in a relationship and wondering if porn is a problem, ask your partner. In addition to evaluating your own porn use, you can open up communication with your partner to see how they feel it impacts your relationship.

Real Love in the Real World

Sex does not equal love, but you can make love while having sex. Understanding sex as something that happens in the real world with a real person is part of building a loving, reciprocal relationship that is very different from the ones portrayed in porn films. 

Technology has made porn ubiquitous and advances in virtual reality will likely increase its appeal. It’s not going anywhere. But we can look critically at porn’s messages and how they impact us. We can control what we watch, how much we watch, and whether we watch at all.

Connection: The Viagra for Women

Connection:

The Viagra for Women

By Mallorie Sorce, LMFT

Ever wonder why there is no such thing as a Viagra pill for women?

The answer lies behind the Dual Control Model developed by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute in the late 1990s: “The Dual Control Model of sexual response goes far beyond earlier models of human sexuality, by describing not just ‘what happens’ during arousal—erection, lubrication, etc.—but also the central mechanism that governs sexual arousal, which controls how and when you respond to sexually relevant sights, sounds, sensations, and ideas” (Nagoski, 2015). Now, this is where the science comes in, so bear with me: our brain and spinal cord (the central nervous system) are made up of many different partnerships of accelerators and brakes, similar to the pairing of your sympathetic nervous system (“accelerator”) and your parasympathetic nervous system (“brake”). What they discovered is that if this is true for our nervous system, then it must also be true for the brain system that coordinates sex—thus we have a sexual accelerator and a sexual brake. 

Sexual Excitation System (SES)

The Sexual Excitation System is the accelerator of sexual response; it takes in information about sexually relevant stimuli such as the things you hear, see, smell, taste, touch or imagine in the environment. Then, it sends a signal from the brain to your genitals that tell them to “turn on.” The SES is constantly busy at work scanning your context for sexually relevant stimuli including your feelings and thoughts. This system is working far below the level of consciousness, which means you are not aware of this until you are turned on and pursuing sexual pleasure. 

Sexual Inhibition System (SIS)

The Sexual Inhibition System is your sexual brake. Research suggests that there are actually two brakes that reflect the different functions of an inhibitory system. One of the brakes works in a similar way that the accelerator works, which means it takes note of all of the potential threats that exist in the environment such as all the things we hear, see, taste, touch, smell, or even imagine. It sends a signal that says, “Turn off!” Similar to the accelerator, the brake is continually scanning the environment for reasons not to be aroused right now. Some of these reasons may be social consequences, risk of pregnancy, risk of STDs, stress, etc. This is generally a good thing because it keeps us from becoming aroused at an inappropriate time—for instance, when we are at dinner with the family or in an important business meeting. It also hammers down the “off” switch if, say, your child walks in during “sexy time”. 

While the first brake is associated with fear of performance consequences, the second brake is associated with fear of performance failure, such as worry that you won’t have an orgasm or that it may take too long. This brake isn’t as touchy as the other so although it might be on, you can still achieve sexual satisfaction; it might just take longer and use more resources. There is no need to know which brake is being hit in order to figure out how to stop hitting it. One of the common mistakes people who are struggling with orgasm or desire make is the assumption that there is an issue with the accelerator when, in fact, it is usually that the brakes are hitting too often. 

So what does all this mean? 

We all know that men and women are different when it comes to arousability. Men tend to have more sensitive accelerators, while women tend to have more sensitive brakes. However, it is still important to remember that we are all very different and this can vary between men and women. For instance, some women may have a more sensitive accelerator than brake and vise versa. The reason Viagra works for most men but not women is because when men’s genitals become erect from the medication, it sends a signal to the brain that they are aroused and should pursue sex (but, again, this may vary for men as well). However, most women’s genitals do not communicate to the brain this easily.  An important factor is the relation between these two mechanisms and the aspects of each person’s psychologies, such as mood and anxiety. The goal of this is not just to understand what men are like and what women are like but also to understand that women’s arousability depends just as much on context as it does on the mechanics of it all. 

Context Is More Important Than You Think

Understanding context means understanding that although our body has natural reactions to sexual response, context also plays a huge role in how our bodies react to these sexual responses and stimuli. There are a multitude of psychological factors that may play into your body hitting the brakes such as anxiety, depression, stress, worry about contracting an STD, and worry about pregnancy, as well as past sexual trauma such as rape, molestation, or sexual assault… the list goes on.  Another important psychological factor may be the lack of connection or safety in your relationship. When we do not feel safe, we generally do not feel aroused sexually. Sex is an attachment behavior that reinforces the bond in a relationship. The sad part of all of this is that a lot of women who have issues becoming aroused or struggle with desire tend to write this off as “this is just the way women are” or “this is just the way I am,” when, in reality, there might be valid reasons and psychological factors holding them back from becoming as sexually interested and pleasured as they would like to be. The good news here is that all of this is completely NORMAL and if you do want to become more sexually responsive, aroused, or more easily pleasured, there is a way to work towards this. If this article hit home and you are interested in exploring your accelerator and brakes, therapy can be a great option. Additionally, if you and your partner are having these issues, couples therapy can enhance your connection and build a closer bond, thus leading to greater sexual satisfaction in most cases.