Vulnerability Pays Big Dividends

jon-asato-246160-unsplash.jpg

Vulnerability Pays Big Dividends



By Ed Peterson, LCSW, MBA

Vulnerability Pays Big Dividends

By Ed Peterson, LCSW, MBA

In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson brilliantly sums up what happens when couples get stuck in negative and reactive cycles: “In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.” Dr. Johnson goes on to talk about the healing power of love and emotional responsiveness in a love relationship: “Love has an immense ability to help heal the devastating wounds that life sometimes deals us. Love also enhances our sense of connection to the larger world. Loving responsiveness is the foundation of a truly compassionate, civilized society.”  

The father of Attachment Theory, British Psychiatrist John Bowlby, summed up what Attachment Theory teaches us about the key relationships in our lives: “The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature.“ Bowlby also wrote on how relationships with key “others” are vitally important in the growth and health of all individuals.

Given this information, here are some conclusions about vulnerability:

Attachment Theory teaches us that key relationships (in childhood with an adult care-giver and in adult romantic partners) play a huge part in the human development of a safe haven and the strong ability to be in the world and take risks; the risks are tolerable because the person knows that their partner has their back emotionally and will be there when they reach out in need.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, is a highly effective couples therapy modality that focuses on helping clients learn to communicate the softer primary emotions (think vulnerability, or the need for acceptance) that always lie underneath the more surface emotions (think anger, contempt, and defensiveness) that put us in a negative cycle of hurt and disconnection.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) brilliantly supports couples to share their vulnerabilities, which leads to the creation of an emotional “safe haven” and a strong bond that can stand firm in the face of life’s many difficult emotional challenges.

Ed Headshot.jpg

Ed Peterson LCSW, MBA is an EFT certified therapist at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City, Utah. He specializes in individual, family and couple’s counseling. Would you like to meet with Ed? Send him an email to discuss scheduling: peterson.ed.lcsw[@]gmail.com

Please Fix My Kid

michal-parzuchowski-260084-unsplash.jpg

Please Fix My Kid

By Ben Kroff, MFTI

Please Fix My Kid

By Ben Kroff, MFTI

When our cars aren’t working well or something is broken, we are fortunate to be able to simply drop the car off at the mechanic and let them solve the problem; they do their mechanic magic and call us when it’s all fixed and ready to go. It would be AWESOME if we could drop our kids off at therapy, let the therapist do their thing and have them call us when our child is ready to listen, cooperate, get out of bed, go to school, get good grades, treat their siblings better and make better choices.  

Unfortunately, kid problems are more complex than car problems. When a child starts exhibiting symptoms of distress, whether they are behavioral, emotional or psychological, we need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. What is happening in their home environment, social circle, or academic setting? When our child is displaying problem behaviors, it is a sign that something in their environment needs to change. Just as pain in our bodies are signals that we need to change something, if your child is in pain, or if they are causing you pain, it is a sign that something in his or her environment needs to change. Often this change is not something that the child alone is going to be able to accomplish, even with the help of a qualified therapist. The child is part of a larger system that is impacting his or her mental health. The best chance for successful change will be found when working with the child’s most significant relationships.

When waiting for our car to be serviced we can enjoy flipping through magazines, scrolling through Facebook or even eating popcorn in the waiting room; if you are taking your child to therapy and are enjoying quiet time in the waiting room or running errands during their session I would invite you to reconsider how this time is spent. If the therapist hasn’t invited you into the room, ask if you can join. There is much to be gained in joining your child in their pain, in seeking to support and understand and be involved in their recovery. Maybe not every session will be appropriate for family members to join and your child and their therapist can identify those times, but more often than not great work can be done by bringing the child’s significant relationships—like their relationship with their parents—into the therapy office together.

Ultimately, healing comes through nurturing connection. If your therapist has not offered this approach or doesn’t feel comfortable with involving more of the family in therapy, you may want to look into switching your child to a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). These therapists are trained in therapeutic models that incorporate this larger, systemic family approach. At the EFT Clinic many of our clinicians are LMFT’s and all of our therapists have been trained in relational Emotionally Focused Therapy. We look forward to helping you and your loved ones.

Ben Kroff is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern at The EFT Clinic and is currently accepting new clients. To schedule an appointment with Ben or any of our many experienced therapists, call our office at 385-695-5949.

Do I Matter?

Do I Matter?

Ben Kroff, MFT Intern

Do I matter? 

If you've never seen "The Still Face Experiment," please click the link or scroll down to view it now! It will forever change the way you interact with your children, grandchildren, or significant other. The video shows how distressing it is for an infant to feel disconnected from a caregiver. The visible distress that overtakes the little ones is heartbreaking and incredibly insightful! 

Human beings are designed to thrive through connection to other human beings. As mature adults, we cannot pretend that we no longer need this connection. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, there is something known as the “$64 million dollar question”. That question is, "Do I matter?" What happens when we feel like we don't matter? We fall into distress just like the little babies did in the "Still Face Experiment" and we begin fussing and crying out for attention.

Have you ever been on a phone call and had your little one immediately begin tugging at your pant leg? They have sensed your shift in attention. You are no longer available so they begin doing all they can to get you reconnected to them. 

What are you doing to reassure those who you value that you are available and responsive to them? Do you see how desperately they are trying to get you to connect? Notice the similarity of the parents' facial expression when they are non-responsive to their children. Now picture what your face may look like if you are glued to your phone or otherwise distracted while your child makes a bid for your attention. I imagine it looks very similar to the still face of the parents in the video. 

Let's practice putting down our distractions, turning toward each other, and connecting. Let's look at our loved ones when they speak to us. Let's show by our focused attention to others that they matter to us. This small change will do miracles in calming the conflict in our relationships. 

Ben is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern at the EFT Clinic. He is currently accepting new clients. Call our office today to schedule an appointment with Ben.

Creating an Environment for Growth and Change

gabby-orcutt-74607-unsplash.jpg

Creating an Environment for Growth and Change

Liza Telford, MFT Intern

Creating an Environment for Growth and Change

In 2002, Nelson Mandela addressed the United Nations during a special session regarding the welfare of children world-wide.  He said, “history will judge us by the difference we make in the everyday lives of children. The real work will only begin once we return home” (2002, Mandela).  He went on to encourage the leaders to return to their various corners of the earth and take the actions necessary to make this discussion live beyond the day. This speech resonates with me when I think about seeing young clients and their families.  It is keenly important to make the hour I spend with a parent and child an experience that invites them to return home and keep the process “live.”  

It is the belief of experiential therapists that change occurs through a growth experience (Costa, 1991) and not only through intellectual interpretation or insight.  It is through “openness, self-awareness, spontaneity, freedom of expression, creativity, action, intuition, self-fulfillment, process, confrontation, and personal integrity are valued rather than theory” (p. 3). These values constitute the essence of the experiential approach to families.  

According to Kolomeyer and Renk (2016), when seeing children with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), it is important to select an intervention that takes both biological and environmental influences into account. Emotionally Focused Therapy examines both the biological and environmental factors at play for a family and allows a safe and secure space to explore the role Anxiety is playing in keeping the family stuck.

Storytelling is one example of an intervention that promotes an emotionally focused experience.  Bowlby (1977a) stated that the early attachments formed within families are very important because they fulfill critical safety and security needs. Asking a parent to tell their child a story about their life invites the child to experience the emotion through the words and imagery of the story.  There is potential for emotional connection and expressing sentiment that the child has not heard from the parent before.

When Nelson Mandela spoke to members of the UN that day, he did not expect them to make changes for the children during that very lunch hour, but rather to be moved enough by their experience that they would feel inspired to make lasting changes when they arrived home.  Similarly, I want to facilitate experiences with families that inspire them to continue after our sessions to create safe attachments, connection, and a secure place to explore and express emotion.   

Liza Telford is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern at the EFT Clinic. She is currently accepting new clients. Call our office today to schedule an appointment with Liza.

References

Bowlby, J. (1977a). The making and breaking of affectional bonds, I. British Journal of Psychiatry,/50, 201-210. 

Costa, L. (1991). Family sculpting in the training of marriage and family.. Counselor Education & Supervision, 31(2), 121. Retrieved from http://libproxy.edmc.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx direct=true&db=a9h&AN=9707085681&site=ehost-live 

Kolomeyer, E., & Renk, K. (2016). Family-Based Cognitive–behavioral Therapy for an Intelligent, Elementary School-Aged Child With Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Clinical Case Studies, 15(6), 443–458. https://doi-org.libproxy.edmc.edu/10.1177/1534650116668046 

Helping Children Build a Foundation of Self-Worth

Helping Children Build a Foundation of Self-Worth

Dr. Debi Gilmore LMFT

Helping Children Build a Foundation of Self-Worth

Children learn through observation, particularly by observing their parents in dealing with life challenges. Modeling is one of the most powerful parenting techniques, and the following fundamental concepts are key in helping children achieve a solid sense of self.

1. An Optimistic Outlook—Which Models A “Can Do” Attitude For The Child

When children are very young, they look to the outside world through the eyes of their parents. When they see their parents navigate challenges with dedication and an attitude of coping, they are likely to see the world as safe, exciting and challenging. Conversely, when they are shielded from the issues families face, or they view their parents as stressed out, overwhelmed, and constantly negative, they tend to approach the world apprehensively.

When children hear their parents express confidence in dealing with issues, and when their parents help the child deal with issues and solve problems, the child feels greater security and reassurance that difficulties are only temporary and ultimately manageable.

2. Acceptance, Expectations, And Autonomy: Parenting Techniques That Cultivate Self-Worth.

 Acceptance

Every human being needs to feel important to their family. When children begin to question their parents’ devotion, their emotional capability of handling outside stresses is compromised. When a child is insecure about their acceptance in the home, they are unable to internalize the needed emotional security that comes from “just knowing” their parents believe in them and love them. Insecurity in children causes them to become even more dependent on others’ acceptance, and they become hyper-focused on getting attention from others and pleasing others rather than developing a solid foundation of internally anchored self-worth.

Expectations

It is essential for parents to require their children to work hard in their quest to achieve relative success in life. This also contributes to their self-worth and confidence that matures into a healthy view of self as they relate to the world. This requires parents to model, teach, mentor, and guide in various ways, including working beside their child and assisting the child until the child understands the concepts being expected of them. This modeling is a type of scaffolding that supports the child in the learning process.

With time, the parent must take down some of the scaffolding and allow the child to experience increasing responsibility. This contributes to their self-efficacy or a “can do” attitude. With early discipline practices by enforcing natural consequences, the child develops a healthy self-regard.

Autonomy

 Recent research focusing on self-worth notes that “competent, high-self-esteem children experience parental respect for their individuality.” This means that parents must actively encourage their children to assert their differences, and not just “allow” the differences. This process fosters the child’s comfort and future skill in listening to their own internal voice and identifying who and what they want themselves to feel and need as opposed to hearing only what others prefer them to do or think.

Bottom line: Parents, must consistently give their children the message that it is ok to disagree, and that disagreeing is a healthy way to collaborate and navigate this world. That is, if the child doesn’t act out in harmful ways in the midst of their disagreement with others.

3. Learning When to Let Go—Gradually Shifting Control from Parent To Child

It is important for parents to recognize their child’s need for increasing control over themselves as well as the environment around them. However, that process is contingent on the child’s demonstration of the ability to handle this control responsibly.

It is difficult to be a “really good” parent, so it is essential to see these principles as stepping stones to follow, or a map for the journey of parenting. In reality, if you are giving your child the best you have, encouraging them with these steps in mind, you are more than good enough. If your child knows they are loved by you, and if they know you believe in them, then you have achieved the most important goal of parenting.