Get Therapy Right

How to
Get Therapy Right
100% of the Time

by Danielle Thurman, LMFT

Before I became a therapist, the image I had in my head for therapy was the typical client laying on the couch spilling their guts. The therapist was sitting next to the couch with a clipboard. I am sure you know the picture I am talking about. A problem I frequently see happening in the therapy room is that we get stuck on how therapy “should be.” When this happens, we frequently get angry or withdraw. Clients will oftentimes randomly stop therapy when having these responses. We miss a huge opportunity for change. The reason being, you bring your individual and relational patterns to therapy. What’s happening outside therapy most likely just happened with your therapist. Your response to life situations just became your response to therapy. The old pattern becomes more ingrained.

HOW CAN YOU CHANGE THIS?

Be open and honest with your therapist. Share the thoughts going on in your head that maybe you wouldn’t normally say out loud. Those messages are the messages keeping you stuck. For example, if you feel like you are failing therapy and want to withdraw, say so. Most likely, you have had many painful life experiences where you have felt like you failed. You have learned to withdraw from those experiences or even people. Your therapist can help you create a different response by leaning into it together. We can become the team and foundation of change that you are looking for until we can figure out how to bridge that gap outside therapy.

In order to create change, therapy will have moments of discomfort. Maybe even pain at times. Changing patterns means leaning into the unknown. Therapy gives you the chance to not have to walk that path alone. 

CHALLENGE:

Write down your fears. The messages that play in your head when something goes wrong. Share that with your therapist or a trusted friend.

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Danielle Thurman is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. She specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families in distress to help them recognize the underlying emotions that haven’t been expressed and relationship needs that are not being met. Together with Danielle you will build a relationship of connection that will help you cope with these feelings of hopelessness or loss. She will then teach you the skills to help you break these patterns outside of therapy to create the life you have always longed for.

The model Danielle uses is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This model has some of the highest empirically supported research in helping with emotional and relationship distress. The goal of therapy is to re-build hope, trust, security, and connection. This method works for a wide array of symptoms like anxiety, depression, addiction, life transitions, betrayal trauma, etc.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Dani, call 385-695-5949 or email dani@theeftclinic.com.

The Assumption Trap

The
Assumption
Trap:
Be Aware of These
5 Thinking Patterns

by Sara Collins, LMFT

“Don’t believe everything you think.”
- Robert Fulghum

Irrational thoughts, or cognitive distortions, likely evolved as ways to cope with stressful life events. When we are in distress, our thoughts and perceptions adapt in ways to ensure our survival; however, these types of thoughts are often stressful and can even harm our relationships, leading to a sense of hopelessness. 

Overgeneralizing:

When we overgeneralize, we see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. For example, if we have a painful experience in our relationship, we may believe that we will never be able to experience happiness in the relationship. Overgeneralizing may cast a wide dismal net over any potential positive future outcomes.  

Mental Filter:

A mental filter refers to dwelling on a single negative detail and ignoring anything potentially positive. For example, we may ruminate for days about a single negative comment our partner made. When we interpret situations through a negative mental filter, not only is the interpretation inaccurate, but it may lead to feelings of hopeless about our relationship. 

Disqualifying the Positive:

Discounting or disqualifying the positive causes us to believe that our positive experiences do not count. For example, if my partner tells me I’m doing a great job, I’ll discount it by thinking that they are obligated to give this statement. When we engage in this type of irrational thinking we may overlook our achievements and disregard our positive attributes. In relationships, we may deny the times we successfully navigated a conflict and believe it was just random chance. When we dismiss the positive, we explain it away as meaningless and rarely feel a healthy sense of pride or satisfaction.

Mind Reading/Assuming/Fortune Telling:

This is one of the most common pervasive thought patterns that contributes to a pattern of painful communication. We engage in assuming or mind reading when we conclude our partner is reacting negatively without exploring it with them. For example, my partner comes home from work and goes straight to their office. My automatic thought is that I must have done something wrong and this is going to turn out badly. 

Emotional Reasoning:

Emotional reasoning refers to judging or evaluating situations based on our feeling or emotion - “If I feel it, it must be true”. It is the false belief that our emotions are the truth and the way we feel is a reliable indicator of reality.

How can we manage these thought patterns? 

When you realize you are feeling distressed, slow down, visualize a stop sign and take a deep breath. Remember to treat yourself with compassion and refrain from judgment; after all, these irrational thoughts are a powerful aspect of our survival system. 

Next, identify the type of irrational thought. Often by recognizing and labeling the thought and emotion, we can access flexibility in our thinking which leads us to discovering more options of how to manage the stressful situation. 

Look for shades of gray, consider several alternative explanations, gather evidence, and implement positive interpretations to expand your thinking. Writing down the irrational thought as well as alternative thoughts can be a helpful way to reframe your situation in a more realistic light. 

If you are experiencing painful cycles of communication in your relationship, consider seeking some guidance from an Emotionally Focused Therapist who can help you create new understanding of your relationship, stop negative cycles of conflict, heal emotional wounds, and create safety and security.

Talking to Kids about an Affair

How to
Talk

to
Your Kids
about an
Affair

by Dr. Christine Holding, LMFT

What do we tell the kids? This is a common question that comes up in therapy and is a tricky one to navigate. Some parents wonder if it’s harmful to share any information about a parent’s affair, while others are tempted to sit the kids down and reveal all. Ask yourself what is appropriate and when the best time is to reveal details about an affair. As painful as it may be, children are typically more aware than given credit and may require an explanation if they see evidence of infidelity or overhear conversations and arguments about an affair. Also, children may potentially be confronted with questions from friends or neighbors, or hear about the affair on social media. Listen carefully to your child’s questions and give timely, age-appropriate responses that help the child.  For example, your children may ask, “Why are you and Dad going to counseling every week?” or “Are you and Mom getting divorced?”  When this happens, it is best to sit down with your children together and answer their questions simply and honestly.  An honest answer doesn’t mean giving all the details, but answering in a way that your child feels heard, reassured and comforted.

Here are a few examples of questions with age appropriate responses:

• A preschooler may ask: “Why are you sad, Mommy?”
  Answer:  “We all feel sad sometimes.” “Mommy and Daddy are working on a problem that has nothing to do with you.  We both love you very much.”

• A grade-schooler may ask: “What’s happening with you and Mom? You seem mad a lot.”
  Answer:  “What have you noticed or heard that makes you worried?”  “Mom and I are working together to solve a difficult issue. We love our family and want to work things out.” “We hope you will talk to us when you feel concerned.”

• A teenager may ask: “I heard you had an affair? Are you and Dad getting divorced?”
  Answer: “I made a mistake and had a romantic relationship with someone other than your dad. Some details are private and not appropriate to share, but I am committed to working through this with your dad. I want us to be able to talk about this and you can come to me with your questions.”

 Three things to avoid when sharing information about an affair with children:

• First, avoid giving unsolicited information. Give information on a need-to-know and age-appropriate basis. The reason to talk about the affair and answer questions is to create safety for your children and not to help you process the affair or feel like you have a confidant (seek professional help or a friend). Therefore, listen carefully to questions and be curious about what they are really asking. Usually, a child is asking for reassurance rather than details.

• Second, avoid asking children to keep secrets. Share only information you are comfortable with them sharing with their friends, teachers, and relatives.  It’s fine to talk about keeping family conversations confidential, but there should be no expectation of secrecy or punishment if a child shares outside the family. This may be a sign that your child is seeking support.

• Third, avoid speaking for the other parent. Children should never be used as pawns to hurt a betraying partner or to win support. Most children love both parents and feel loyalty to both parents. Whenever possible, allow the person who had the affair to answer questions about the relationship. If this isn’t possible, answer questions simply and honestly but without condemnation. Asking children to choose between parents can create fear, confusion, and insecurity for the child. Avoid having a “Team Mom” and “Team Dad.”

What children want most is to know that that they can count on loving parents to be accessible and responsive to their needs. By limiting exposure to details, discussing fears, and consistently reassuring children of your love and commitment to the family, you can create an atmosphere of safety and emotional security for your children during a difficult time.  

If you have questions or need help working through an affair, please contact The EFT Clinic at 385-695-5949 or info@theeftclinic.com. We are here to help.

For further ideas about healing from an affair, I recommend “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity” by Shirley P. Glass, PhD.

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Dr. Christine Holding is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert who specializes in helping couples build loving and secure relationships. She is the co-owner of The EFT Clinic for Couples and Families, and the owner of Sunlight Family Therapy located in Millcreek, UT and Jackson, WY. She is honored to have received in 2021, for the fourth consecutive year, The Best of Salt Lake City Award for Marriage and Family Therapy. Christine is a nationally approved supervisor by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and an internationally certified supervisor for Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the most effective research-based couples therapy available today. She has advanced training in crisis response and in the treatment of trauma survivors. Christine loves teaching and training professionals, students and the public about the universal need for love and connection.

Call or Email our office today to schedule a session with one of our incredible therapists.

Listening to Understand

Listening to Understand, Not to Reply

by Carolynn Redd-Recksiek, LAMFT

I recently had a friend tell me that I had become such a good listener.  As we chatted, she asked to know what she could do to improve her own ability to listen.  I jokingly thought, “Get a master's degree in Marriage and Family therapy”.   As I’ve thought about what has helped me become a better listener, I give a lot of credit to my training as an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we refer to a couple’s negative cycle.  This refers to the emotional and behavioral responses we show based on our partner's emotions and reactions.  Often, we have very strong emotional responses based on fears, traumas or insecurities.  These are our primary emotions. Because these are hard to feel, we often express these as secondary emotions such as frustration, anger, annoyance, defiance, avoiding or shutting down.  Our secondary emotions are protective, defensive, and take over our thought. This makes it hard to hear and understand our person, as internally, or externally, we are justifying or explaining our position.  This leads to disconnection and a lack of safety in our relationship.

Our goal in EFT is to teach couples how to be a safe base for each other, and to recognize that we all have vulnerabilities, traumas and fears.  When our person brings up an issue, they are wanting to share their own hurt, pain, loneliness, etc., with the hope that they will be met with empathy, understanding, curiosity and love.  They reach out to discuss an issue, essentially asking, “Are you here for me? Do you see me?  Will you accept me?”.  As we take turns actively listening to each other to really hear and understand, the negative cycle changes to a positive cycle which creates safety, security and connection.  The tools I have learned from EFT training have taught me to listen not only to reply, but listen to really hear and understand. 

Below are some simple steps you can take to increase your ability to listen with the purpose of hearing what a person is saying.

• Take a deep breath and slow down.

• Look into your person’s eyes.

• Notice your emotions but wait to share them until your person is done.

• Ensure that you are in a place where you can listen. (It’s ok to say, I’m trying to get out of the door right now and I’m feeling stressed.  I really want to be able to listen carefully to what you are saying, could we talk at this specific time?)

• Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions.

• Use reflective and active listening.  

 Phrases you can use to enhance listening to hear.

• Thank you for sharing this with me.

• I can see how hard this is to talk about.  I’m here for you!

• What was that like for you?

• I bet that was hard for you to experience.

• Let me see if I understand what you’re saying (then repeat what you heard)

• I’m not sure if I’m understanding, could you please repeat or further explain that?

As we better understand our habits and patterns around listening, we can stop listening only to reply, and instead, we can listen to really hear and understand what someone is trying to share and express with us.  It can be difficult learning to listen to hear and understand, but as you apply these tools your connection and relationship with those most important to you in life will improve and bring you greater satisfaction, fulfillment and safety.  

If you feel that you and your person have been stuck in a negative communication cycle, reach out to a trained EFT couples therapist, who can help you create a safe and connecting communication. 

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