Listening to Understand

Listening to Understand, Not to Reply

by Carolynn Redd-Recksiek, LAMFT

I recently had a friend tell me that I had become such a good listener.  As we chatted, she asked to know what she could do to improve her own ability to listen.  I jokingly thought, “Get a master's degree in Marriage and Family therapy”.   As I’ve thought about what has helped me become a better listener, I give a lot of credit to my training as an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we refer to a couple’s negative cycle.  This refers to the emotional and behavioral responses we show based on our partner's emotions and reactions.  Often, we have very strong emotional responses based on fears, traumas or insecurities.  These are our primary emotions. Because these are hard to feel, we often express these as secondary emotions such as frustration, anger, annoyance, defiance, avoiding or shutting down.  Our secondary emotions are protective, defensive, and take over our thought. This makes it hard to hear and understand our person, as internally, or externally, we are justifying or explaining our position.  This leads to disconnection and a lack of safety in our relationship.

Our goal in EFT is to teach couples how to be a safe base for each other, and to recognize that we all have vulnerabilities, traumas and fears.  When our person brings up an issue, they are wanting to share their own hurt, pain, loneliness, etc., with the hope that they will be met with empathy, understanding, curiosity and love.  They reach out to discuss an issue, essentially asking, “Are you here for me? Do you see me?  Will you accept me?”.  As we take turns actively listening to each other to really hear and understand, the negative cycle changes to a positive cycle which creates safety, security and connection.  The tools I have learned from EFT training have taught me to listen not only to reply, but listen to really hear and understand. 

Below are some simple steps you can take to increase your ability to listen with the purpose of hearing what a person is saying.

• Take a deep breath and slow down.

• Look into your person’s eyes.

• Notice your emotions but wait to share them until your person is done.

• Ensure that you are in a place where you can listen. (It’s ok to say, I’m trying to get out of the door right now and I’m feeling stressed.  I really want to be able to listen carefully to what you are saying, could we talk at this specific time?)

• Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions.

• Use reflective and active listening.  

 Phrases you can use to enhance listening to hear.

• Thank you for sharing this with me.

• I can see how hard this is to talk about.  I’m here for you!

• What was that like for you?

• I bet that was hard for you to experience.

• Let me see if I understand what you’re saying (then repeat what you heard)

• I’m not sure if I’m understanding, could you please repeat or further explain that?

As we better understand our habits and patterns around listening, we can stop listening only to reply, and instead, we can listen to really hear and understand what someone is trying to share and express with us.  It can be difficult learning to listen to hear and understand, but as you apply these tools your connection and relationship with those most important to you in life will improve and bring you greater satisfaction, fulfillment and safety.  

If you feel that you and your person have been stuck in a negative communication cycle, reach out to a trained EFT couples therapist, who can help you create a safe and connecting communication. 

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Size Doesn't Matter

Unrealistic Expectations:
It’s the Size of Your Heart, Not Your Private Part

by Adam Nisenson, LAMFT, CSAT

When it comes to our intimate body parts, men can be particularly sensitive when it comes to their judgments around penis size. In my practice, I’ve found that many men have fears that a small or even average-sized penis makes them less manly. For sure, popular culture contributes to this feeling, from watching porn, to seeing penile-enlargement ads on the internet, to off-hand remarks and jokes about size by influencers and even our closest friends. 

Maybe those well-endowed male porn stars who strut their stuff in scripted scenes with unsuspecting ladies are provoking men to question the size of their phallus, despite that we know porn actors are chosen for their size and that image enhancement also helps give that larger-than-life appearance. It makes a man wonder, though … Want to know what penis percentile you fall into? Enter your length, girth, and flaccid size into an online calculator.[1]  Yes, a penis size calculator; just what we don’t need.

Seriously, men can feel inordinately insecure about their sexual body parts and their ability to give pleasure, and in the process, judge themselves as not manly. But that is a belief that just isn’t true.

What’s So Great about Size?

From an aesthetic standpoint, maybe men with larger penises put on a good visual show, but after that, it’s confidence in yourself and being connected to your partner that really counts. Size is and always will be subjective. Size is not a prerequisite for better sex; It can be simply a preference.

Studies on sexual satisfaction point to the significant role of everyday kissing, hugging, touching, affection, and overall well-being between sexual partners.[2]  “Happy hormones” actually course through our bodies during physical intimacy, helping us to feel closeness and connectedness during intimate moments. With this into consideration, concerns about how well-endowed you are fall to the wayside.

Our lives are filled with preferences. What women value in a sexual partner is relative and varying. But most women will admit that length or girth doesn’t have anything to do with sex being good or not. We all need reassurance. And guys, if you think your woman is just trying to make you feel better when she tells you that size doesn’t matter, she may actually mean it!

“It’s not the size of the boat; it’s the motion of the ocean” meme isn’t just uttered platitudes. Well-hung doesn’t have the appeal most men think. Case in point: Research conducted at UCLA and Cal State Los Angeles a few years back reported that 84% of women feel “very satisfied” with their mate’s penis size. Fourteen percent wish it were larger and 2% would prefer smaller. Over 26,000 women between the ages of 18 and 65 took part in the study.[3]  That’s a convincing endorsement for the theory that size doesn’t matter, don’t you think?

Men also tend to have inflated beliefs about how other men stack up in terms of size. Many men are under the misconception that the average penis size is larger than it actually is. The average erect penis is a little over 5 inches, with a circumference of just over 4.5 inches.[4]  Surprised?

Not Just a Man Thing

Feeling inadequate about our appearance crosses gender lines. Men and women alike can get consumed with their physical appearance. Am I too weak looking? Do I have too much belly fat? Will she like a guy that’s losing his hair? What will she or he think when they see me naked?

Men obsess about their private body parts much like women. Some women feel inadequate about their breast size just as men feel inadequate about their penis size. Will he pass me over for the woman with the larger breasts? 

Society has set standards of beauty that we feel compelled to follow. Penis and breast enlargement, botox treatments, liposuction, implants, veneers and the list goes on. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) reports that male cosmetic procedures rose 29% over the last decade the U.S.5  We have multi-billion dollar industries that cater to our inadequacies about our bodies and our desire to “fix” them into some prescribed idea of perfection … an idea that has no basis in reality. 

An All-Sensory Experience

The myriad of sexual experiences available to you and your partner transcends physical attributes. No matter your penis size, you can find sex positions that work for you and your partner. The important thing is for you to feel happy in your own skin. Sexual appeal is about how you show up, being vulnerable, and being loving and true to yourself and your partner. 

Sex is an all-sensory experience. Be happy and confident that you can give pleasure, whatever your size.

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References:

1. Lever, J. et al. “Does Size Matter? Men’s and Women’s Views on Penis Size Across the Lifespan,” Psychology of Men and Masculinity (2006) 7:129.

2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201707/the-secret-reason-why-sex-is-so-crucial-in-relationships

3. https://calcsd.netlify.app

4. https://www.wbur.org/commonhealth/2015/03/03/biggest-study-penis-size

5. https://aedit.com/aedition/what-you-need-to-know-about-male-plastic-surgery-trends

Relationships: Surviving Worldly Turmoil and Differences in Opinion

Relationships: Surviving Wordly Turmoil and Differences in Opinion

by Danielle Thurman, LMFT

How do our relationships make it through so much worldly turmoil and difference of opinion?

No two people are exactly alike. With a world full of opinions and differences, how do we continue to create connections or come together?

The answer is: Holding Space.

A common goal of couples and family therapy is learning to hold space for one another. What is holding space? It is walking alongside the other person during their life journey no matter what that journey may be. Holding space is about being able to be present in the moment. To fully listen to what the other person is saying, without formulating what to say next. There is no judgement, but rather, trying to see the other person’s side with compassion and kindness. While holding space, we allow the other person to take accountability for their path. We avoid trying to fix them or change the outcome. We open our hearts, and offer love and support. We don’t expect anything in return. This can be very difficult to do when we have experienced trauma or relationship distress. 

Helpful Tip:
Rather than fixating on the words the person is sharing, try to understand what this might emotionally feel like for the person. For example, if they share a different political view than you, understand that they may be worried about upcoming changes and sharing political facts. Try to validate the fear rather than focusing on those details. You may have a different political view, but we have all experienced fear. This helps us to come together and create connections. If we can get deep enough on the issues, most often find there is a fear underneath. A fear of losing people we love. A fear of being understood or valued. We may be using the details or logical parts of the story which disconnect us because we are all different in this place. Underneath, we all have felt fear. This helps our relationships come together rather than disconnect.

Danielle Thurman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic, and is available for sessions in both our Millcreek and Lehi offices, as well as online.
To schedule an appointment, please call or email today.
(385)695-5949 or dani@theeftclinic.com

Validation is the Solution

Validating your partner’s emotional experience, rather than offering solutions, is the solution.

by Michelle Pomeroy, LMFT

Often the first thing a caring partner wants to do when their sweetheart tells them they are hurting is to help. You care, so it only makes sense you want to help them feel better.

Of course! I mean, you love them and don’t want to see them struggle. Perhaps in those moments you recall feeling similarly and want to do all you can to stop the pain for your sweetie. 

I imagine you have empathy pains wash over you as you recall times when you’ve been hurting. What do you do at this point? Do you offer hopeful words, encouraging advice, or helpful solutions? Do you try to help by solving the problem? 

If you try to fix the problem in this way, you might be taken by surprise when your partner gets upset or perhaps angry with you, telling you “you don’t get it” or “you don’t care.” Your sweetie’s response really stings because, in fact, you actually do care. A lot. This leads you to feeling hurt, confused, likely frustrated, and feeling more disconnected from your sweetheart, and that’s the last place you wanted to end up. 

So let’s back up a bit to the moment your partner reached out to tell you about the hurt. You chose to meet your sweetie on the first-floor where we problem-solve with our amazing cognitive abilities. On this level, problem solving works!

But when your partner is hurting, they aren’t on the first floor. They are on the ground floor, literally in a different brain space. On this floor the only goal is to feel secure and safe, which is achieved through emotional attunement and validation. 

Your intentions are spot on. You want to help your sweetie, because you care deeply. You simply need to meet at the right level. 

So let’s go back to the moment you felt the empathy pains wash over you. That’s the moment when you choose to take the stairs up to the first floor to cognitive problem-solving, or down to the basement to meet your sweetie in emotional attunement, drawing from that place of empathy. 

It can sound like this:

“Wow, that sounds really hard.”

“So what I hear you saying is that this really sucks right now.”

“The way you feel makes total sense.”

“I want to understand how that feels for you.” 

“I’m here with you.”

Premarital Counseling

Premarital Counseling

by Misty DeMann, LAMFT

Marriage is one of the biggest life cycle changes that will occur. When a couple decides to start their life together, there are many developmental aspects involved. “Marriage requires that two people renegotiate a great many issues they have previously defined individually or through their culture and family of origin, such as money, space, time, and when and how to sleep, talk, have sex, fight, work, and relax” (McGoldrick, Preto, & Carter, 2016). There are adjustments and things that have to be discussed that most couples don’t usually realize until they are well into their marriage. Premarital counseling and workshops provide couples an opportunity to work through some of these adjustments and to join together. It also provides them an opportunity to start their marriage on a solid foundation because they have learned how to communicate with each other. 

Couples would not participate in premarital counseling if they did not believe it was helpful. But what exactly does the research say about premarital counseling? A study conducted by Carlson et al. found that couples who participated in premarital counseling had lower levels of stresses and higher relationship satisfaction (Carlson, et al., 2012). This shows that it is not only beneficial to health of the relationship, but to the health of the individual. Borowski and Tambling found that this increased health also builds commitment in the relationship. “Research suggests that premarital counseling is not only associated with higher levels of martial satisfaction and lower levels of destructive conflicts but is also associated with higher levels of interpersonal commitment to one’s spouse” (Borowski & Tambling, 2015).  This commitment to relationship fosters a marriage where the couple is willing to work through issues and go to counseling in the future. When a couple is willing to get help through counseling and do it before the relationship is too far broken, the couple is more likely reestablish high relationship satisfaction and stay together. (Borowski & Tambling, 2015).

The next time you are thinking what to give a new couple as a shower or wedding gift, consider giving them the gift of premarital counseling, and helping them solidify and protect their most important relationship. Misty is one of the therapists at The EFT Clinic that is trained specifically in premarital counseling. She is passionate about helping new couples build and strengthen their relationship from the beginning.

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References

Borowski, S. C., & Tambling, R. B. (2015). Applying the Health Belief Model to young individuals’ beliefs and preferences about premarital counseling. The Family Journal, 23(4), 417–426. https://doi-org.proxy1.ncu.edu/10.1177/1066480715602221

Carlson, R. G., Daire, A. P., Munyon, M. D., & Young, M. E. (2012). A comparison of cohabiting and noncohabiting couples who participated in premarital counseling using the PREPARE model. The Family Journal, 20(2), 123–130. https://doi-org.proxy1.ncu.edu/10.1177/1066480712441588