Resentment

Why do I Resent my Partner?

by Michelle Pomeroy, LMFT

Have you ever felt resentment toward your significant other? Resentment is an awful feeling. It can feel like a gut punch simmering at a low boil. Have you ever wondered where it comes from?

Like many other emotions, resentment has roots in unmet and often unspoken relationship needs. What are relationship needs? Every human being has relationship needs. We are born into this world as individuals whose survival depends on a safe connection with caregivers. Those same basic needs, to feel cared for, nurtured and safe stay with us throughout life. We carry those needs with us from the cradle to the grave.

Though they vary some, most individuals experience similar relationship needs. Some examples of these relationship needs include: feeling like you belong, feeling accepted, feeling valued, being good enough, being respected, being trusted, being seen, feeling understood etc. Some needs are stronger than others and are linked to past experiences, personal identity, and family roles. 

So how does this apply to feeling resentful of your significant other? Resentment is one of many common feelings experienced when one or more of these relationship needs are not met. Let’s walk through an example with a fictitious couple. 

Carrie and Sawyer are very in love and care for one another deeply. Carrie realizes her deepest relationship longing is to feel understood by Sawyer. Sawyer recognizes how important it is for him to be accepted by Carrie. 

Carrie, who wants to be deeply understood, launches into telling Sawyer about every detail of the day. Sawyer in turn feels overwhelmed from the events of the day and doesn’t have the bandwidth to listen and be present. Carrie can tell Sawyer is not really listening to her and is hurt because she is not feeling understood, so she gets upset and criticizes Sawyer for not listening. Sawyer is hurt by Carrie’s criticism because he needs to feel accepted by her. In response he leaves the room.

The couple finds themselves alone and detached which was neither hoped for nor intended. If the couple continues in this pattern, resentment can build and block connection. 

3 Questions to ask your partner to discover their relationship needs:

1. What do you most long for in our relationship?

2. How do you wish you felt in our relationship?

3. What 5 words describe our ideal relationship?

Emotions: The Not-So-Obvious

The Not-So-Obvious about Emotions

by Danielle Thurman, LMFT

When an emotion arises, our automatic response is to go to our heads. We jump into a story that goes along with the feeling. For example — if we feel lonely, we jump into a story about a time we felt lonely. We often don't even use the word ‘lonely.’ Our loved ones or our friends might even miss the real point of the story. We need help with loneliness. Instead, frequently, they jump into their perspective, which creates even more loneliness for us. We weren’t understood.

Why weren’t we understood? Because we are thinking our feelings away. Instead, redirect your attention from the thoughts in your head to the physical sensations in your body. Name them. My chest feels empty like there is a hole in it. This is loneliness. Breathe through the sensations and try to lean into it. Accept that it is there. Just observing rather than trying to change anything. It might be really painful at first, especially if this has been your go-to mechanism for a while. You might have some built-up emotion that wants to come out at first. Try reminding yourself that the emotion will be like a wave. It will hurt. It will knock you down at first. If you go with the current rather than fight against it, the current will pull you back up. Lean back into the emotion. If it’s too much, try doing it for 2 seconds at a time. Next time, try 5 seconds. The ideal would be to keep increasing this amount until you feel the emotion physically release from your body. This would feel like peace, comfort, happiness, relief. Your mind will immediately want to jump back into stories. Keep gently directing your thoughts back to your physical sensations. 

Conclusion:
Our emotions are physical sensations, not thoughts. We can’t release them without focusing on the physical sensations. By sharing the physical sensations rather than sharing the stories, we can create connection.

Challenge:
The next time a hard emotion comes up for you, try taking what happens inside your body to your partner or a trusted loved one. Rather than hearing you did this, that trusted loved one may be able to sit with you and validate what you’re going through. This creates secure connection versus a negative cycle.

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Danielle Thurman is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic. She specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families in distress, to help them recognize the underlying emotions that haven’t been expressed and relationship needs that are not being met.
To schedule an appointment, email dani@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.

Weekly Men's Group

Connecting Talk

Connecting Talk:
A Path to Deeper Connection

by Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT, CEFT

“Hey, are you doing ok? I noticed you’ve been a bit quiet. I’m here if you want to talk...”  This is an example of what we call “Connecting Talk,” which is a style of communication that invites closeness, greater understanding, and moments of comfort and clarity. When couples move into a style of communication that is connecting, the conversation tends to move to a deeper level. Healthy communication is one of the most important elements of human relationships, and when relationships suffer, you can be certain Connecting Talk is absent and unhealthy patterns have taken hold.

Connecting Talk encourages emotional connection, and this deeper connection is much more likely as each partner is open to a more intimate awareness of both their own and their partner’s experience. When couples use Connecting Talk, they share a fuller range of information: feelings, desires, deeper aspects of self and their partner’s experience, as well as exploring unmet needs together. The challenge is that Connecting Talk requires vulnerability and authenticity, which in turn requires courage and lots of practice.

Positive Impact of Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk prompts the couple to investigate and understand each other’s experience. When couples practice and improve on Connecting Talk, the relationship flourishes, and there are multiple benefits both personally and relationally. The couple is more likely to find acceptance and to take accountability for their own actions and influence in the relationship.  They are more likely to disclose information with honesty while feeling an increase in emotional safety. A willingness to be vulnerable sends positive messages to their partner, which increases the likelihood of openness and risk. Most importantly, defensiveness and blame are less likely to cloud the relationship.

The How of Connecting Talk 

 What does Connecting Talk “look like?” The following are specific examples of ways you can incorporate connection in your communication with each other:

• Speaking for yourself and not your partner

• Owning and sharing your own experience

• Identifying difficult emotions

• Sharing complaints without attacking

• Acknowledging differences

• Managing escalating emotions

An example of something you might say to your partner is, “It is hard for me when you say, ‘be ready in 10 minutes’ and you are not ready for another ½ hour.”  Another example would be, “I am really struggling with my job, and I would like to talk to you about making a career change,” or “I am willing to take the kids to the park so you can work on your project.”  A key phrase that works universally is, “I really need your help when...”

Practice Connecting Talk 

Connecting Talk requires intentional, thoughtful shifts in your daily communication. Consider setting aside a time to practice with your partner.  Share with each other something about yourself that you may have never shared before. Try to find something to share that is safe but personal.  Some examples would be, (1) A most embarrassing moment; (2) A happy moment you wish you could experience again; or (3) A time when you were afraid or alone.  Share and discuss what it was like to hear about your partner’s experience. What was surprising about the experience?  What was it like to share your memories with your partner?  Incorporate Connecting Talk in your daily communication and notice how it brightens your day and strengthens your relationship with your sweetheart. 

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Caring Behaviors

Caring Behaviors Nourish the Marriage

by Dr. Debi Gilmore, LMFT, CEFT

Imagine coming home after a very difficult, long, and discouraging day on the job. When you walk in, your partner notices you have arrived, puts down whatever they were doing, and walks over to offer you a lingering hug of welcome. It is likely you would feel a sense of reassurance, love, acceptance, and an overall sense that everything is going to be ok. You feel this sense of peace and reassurance because of what we call “caring behaviors.” These are separate and apart from couple rituals, which are things couples create and do together that become anchors in their day or week. Couple rituals solidify the sense of belonging and love shared between the couple. 

What is the difference between couple rituals and caring behaviors?

Caring behaviors can be spontaneous small and simple acts of affection and kindness... gestures of affection and admiration, that go beyond the daily couple rituals. They convey powerful messages that strengthen and nourish a marital relationship. As couples go about their busy days and demanding lives there is a danger that these caring behaviors might slowly slip away. When the caring behaviors no longer happen, couples begin to feel disconnected, lonely, insecure, and distant from each other. It is because these caring behaviors are so simple and seemingly insignificant that we tend to forget how important they really are. Caring behaviors require thoughtful, planned, and intentional steps of connection and affection.

What are caring behaviors? What kinds of things do spouses do for each other to build and maintain secure attachment?

Spontaneous touches such as reaching for your partner’s hand, a wink of an eye, or a brief smile when you catch your partner’s glance are sweet investments in the security of your partner. Other examples include offering positive affirmations on a regular basis, saying “I love you,” instead of “love ya!” When not together, caring gestures can include texting in the middle of the day to show your partner you are thinking about them. When obstacles get in the way, texting or calling when you know you will be late sends a strong message that your partner matters, and that commitments are important to you. A powerful caring gesture could be complimenting your partner to someone else or talking positively about them in their presence. 

If caring behaviors have been missing in your relationship with your spouse, take some time to consider some small gestures you can add to your daily investment in the security of your partner. Even more impactful is asking your partner what caring behaviors they long for, and then seek ways to implement those in your daily rituals of connecting as a couple. Notice how quickly the relationship changes, your connection deepens, and your own feelings of fulfillment increase. 

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