Family Boundaries

Why ‘Boundary’ isn’t a Bad Word

by Misty DeMann, LMFT

The holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year, and also the hardest, as there is often more time spent with family.  Have you ever found yourself dreading instead of looking forward to the next family gathering?  If so, it may be helpful to look at the boundaries you have in place with your family. 

When you hear the word “boundary” what comes to mind?  Often people will come into my office and say, “I can set boundaries in every other area of my life, but when it comes to family, I feel mean and guilty.”  This is likely because sometimes the word “boundary” is thrown around in the culture and media today as if it is a way to get revenge or exert power.  But that isn’t what boundaries are meant to be, especially with family.  Believe it or not, boundaries can be set in love and can actually improve the quality of our relationships.

Before setting boundaries, it is important to tune into your values:

What is important to me?
What do I want this relationship to look like?
What am I comfortable and uncomfortable with?

Knowing the answers to these questions can lay the foundation for what you want your boundaries to look like and why you are setting them.  If I start a boundary from a place of, “I want this relationship to foster mutual respect and love with less resentment,” I am less likely to feel guilty about setting it because I know that it is congruent with my values.  It comes from a place of love for myself and for the other person. 

When setting a boundary with a family member it is best to be clear and concise so that the boundary is not misunderstood.  Some examples of boundaries that may need to be stated with family members are:

“You are welcome to attend the family party, but only if you are sober.”
“Please stop asking when we are having children, it is putting too much pressure on our relationship.”
“If my child does not want a hug, we will respect their decision.”
“I expect my spouse to be treated with respect or we will have to leave.”
“I appreciate your input, but I have made my decision.”
“I will no longer be the middle person in family arguments.”

Lastly, hold your ground.  It is not uncommon for family members to object or even protest when you try to set a boundary.  Remember your values and hopes for the relationship.  Hold the boundary and they will come to accept it or fall into the rightful place in your life.  And remember,

“Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by choosing what you will and won't accept." -Anna Taylor

_____
Taylor, A. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/287131.Anna_Taylor

---

Stepfamily Success

Stepfamily Success

by Marianne Vaughn, LMFT

Every family has challenges, but stepfamilies face distinct challenges that are built into the architecture of the stepfamily life. Recently, a couple shared with me, “We never knew we could be so happy in marriage! We were so hopeful that with this new beginning, we could finally have the kind of marriage and family we have always wanted. But our challenges as a stepfamily feel overwhelming, and we feel discouraged and stuck.” This sentiment is common, and we can find clarity as we understand how first-time families and stepfamilies are different, as well as the challenges that stepfamilies universally face. 

When we take on a new endeavor, we tend to draw from what we already know. Often, new stepcouples naturally use their experience in first-time families to guide them in building a new stepfamily. When all their love, hopes, and good intentions seem to be in vain, confusion and discouragement can set in. As we address the key differences between first-time families and stepfamilies in therapy, I often hear couples say with relief, “No wonder it’s been so difficult. We have been trying so hard, but we just didn’t have the right blueprint!” 

First-Time Family vs. Stepfamily Blueprints

In first-time families, the couple has time together without children to connect, create shared patterns, and iron out wrinkles in their relationship. Children are born hard-wired for attachment with each of their parents, and parents are hard-wired for connection with their children. New babies join the family with no preconceived notions about families, open to learning and growing within the family. 

If a first-time family separates, each member of the family experiences losses. Also, new traditions evolve. One family shared with me that in mom’s new home, the kids delighted in nightly dance parties with her in the kitchen before bed. When all goes well, single-parent families adjust to new roles and patterns within this new structure.

Challenge #1: Insider/Outsider Positions

When a stepparent joins the single-parent family, they enter as an outsider; the single parent and the children are the insiders, and often these bonds have become very close. This presents challenges that many couples don’t anticipate. Couples who are deeply in love and yearn for children to readily accept a stepparent may feel disappointed by a child’s resistance. A parent might feel when hurt or discouraged when the stepparent doesn’t adore their stepchildren children like the parent does. A stepparent may feel unimportant to their spouse as they tend to the needs of their biological children.

The insider/outsider challenge begins early on for stepcouples, and the stepfamily structure can reinforce and maintain them. It is a dynamic that endures but can be lessened over time. 

How to Soften Insider/Outsider Positions

• It is imperative for partners to discuss their feelings about their insider and outsider positions openly with each other. This lends comfort and support to each partner and strengthens the relationship. The difficult feelings that come with these positions do not go away when left alone. They can only be resolved by intentionally talking about them together. 

• Normalize behavior that goes along with insider/outsider roles in stepfamilies, rather than pathologizing the behavior. It’s predictable and normal for outsiders to feel neglected. It’s normal for insiders to feel divided and anxious as they balance taking care of all the people they love within a stepfamily. 

• Intentionally create one-on-one time. Each individual relationship in a stepfamily needs opportunities to connect. Not only do couples need time alone together. Also, parents need to make one-on-one time with each child, and stepparents need one-on-one time with each stepchild.

• Creating patterns, traditions and memories that include everyone in the stepfamily can strengthen each relationship. Going to the library with young children and going on a hike with older children are examples of ways to appeal to a range of ages. Also, family activities like vacations that everyone enjoys can bring unity and positive memories to strengthen the family as a whole. 

If you are feeling stuck in an insider or outsider position, or if other stepfamily dynamics feel overwhelming, a skilled therapist can help to facilitate open communication, resolve differences, or to heal old wounds so that adjusting to stepfamily life can feel easier. 

---

Marianne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Lehi, Utah, and believes in the value of healthy, supportive relationships for ideal individual, couple and family functioning. Specializing in couples therapy, she uses her advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to strengthen connections and heal from relational pain. Marianne is especially passionate about helping her clients with divorce adjustment, remarriage and stepfamilies.

Relationships: Surviving Worldly Turmoil and Differences in Opinion

Relationships: Surviving Wordly Turmoil and Differences in Opinion

by Danielle Thurman, LMFT

How do our relationships make it through so much worldly turmoil and difference of opinion?

No two people are exactly alike. With a world full of opinions and differences, how do we continue to create connections or come together?

The answer is: Holding Space.

A common goal of couples and family therapy is learning to hold space for one another. What is holding space? It is walking alongside the other person during their life journey no matter what that journey may be. Holding space is about being able to be present in the moment. To fully listen to what the other person is saying, without formulating what to say next. There is no judgement, but rather, trying to see the other person’s side with compassion and kindness. While holding space, we allow the other person to take accountability for their path. We avoid trying to fix them or change the outcome. We open our hearts, and offer love and support. We don’t expect anything in return. This can be very difficult to do when we have experienced trauma or relationship distress. 

Helpful Tip:
Rather than fixating on the words the person is sharing, try to understand what this might emotionally feel like for the person. For example, if they share a different political view than you, understand that they may be worried about upcoming changes and sharing political facts. Try to validate the fear rather than focusing on those details. You may have a different political view, but we have all experienced fear. This helps us to come together and create connections. If we can get deep enough on the issues, most often find there is a fear underneath. A fear of losing people we love. A fear of being understood or valued. We may be using the details or logical parts of the story which disconnect us because we are all different in this place. Underneath, we all have felt fear. This helps our relationships come together rather than disconnect.

Danielle Thurman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic, and is available for sessions in both our Millcreek and Lehi offices, as well as online.
To schedule an appointment, please call or email today.
(385)695-5949 or dani@theeftclinic.com

The Impact of Providing and Receiving Validation

The Impact of Providing and Receiving Validation

Dr. Anthony T. Alonzo, LMFT, CFLE

Validation was never meant to resolve issues or help us directly make decisions. However, in our society, it has become a mechanism which is carefully restricted and thus limits our ability to access genuine human connection with those whom we come into contact on a daily basis.

In my work with couples in therapy, I often ask one partner to validate the other when they share something significant, heartfelt, or important.  The initial response all too often includes something quite different from validation. In this article, I invite you to explore with me a different way of delivering and receiving validation in your interactions with others.

In our society, we are essentially taught that expressing validation conveys agreement. Think about it for a minute. When is the last time you provided validation? Most likely, it was when you felt comfortable conveying agreement, permission, or acknowledgement that you shared a similar view, outlook, thought, or emotion. Another way to look at the societal view of validation is to consider the recent moments where you withheld providing validation. We typically do this when we do not want others to interpret our validation as admitting that they are right, or that we are not in agreement with their perspective.

Let me provide a different definition for validation: What if you could consider that validation simply means we acknowledge that another individuals reality is real for them? This means that the way someone else thinks, feels, believes, or experiences their life is valid for them. How would this change the way you use validation in your interactions with others?

While it does feel reassuring to have people agree with you, I propose that it is entirely fulfilling and rewarding to receive validation from others when they simply acknowledge and recognize that your reality is real for you. Validation is a reassurance of your personhood, and reinforces your own existence. We are all unique, and at the same time, experience very similar conditions, situations, and perspectives which help us to relate to one another. The ability to provide and receive validation enables us to establish the foundation of interactions which lead to more effective communication, finding solutions, and defining our collaboration with others.

The next time you are in a conversation with someone, give validation a try by simply acknowledging that their thought, emotion, perspective, or experience is real for them. Don’t worry about them taking it as agreement or permission. It can be even more powerful if they know you see things differently, but that you are willing to validate them anyway.

When I work with couples who learn this approach to validating, I typically challenge them to validate each other until their partner says that they have had enough validation for the day. We typically laugh, but I have never had a client say that they couldn’t tolerate any more validation from their partner.

Dr. Anthony T. Alonzo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Salt Lake City and a friend of The EFT Clinic. More information about Dr. Alonzo can be found on Psychology Today.

How to Support Moms Pre, During, and Post Pregnancy

How To Support Moms Pre, During, and Post Pregnancy

By Misty DeMann, LMFT

Maternal Mental Health disorders, like perinatal (during pregnancy) and postpartum depression, anxiety, and psychosis are the number one most common complication of pregnancy and childbirth. During this time women are more likely to experience a mental illness than they are to develop gestational diabetes or preeclampsia. With mental illness being the most common complication for pregnant and postpartum women, you would think that doctor’s offices and hospitals would screen for Maternal Mental Health Disorders. Unfortunately, little is being done to assess for and treat these complications.

It is likely that someone close to you—perhaps even yourself—has experienced some sort of shift in mental health either pre, during, or post pregnancy. Whether it is the “Baby Blues”, postpartum depression, anxiety, psychosis, or another emotional disorder, there are things you can do to help a struggling mother in your life.

Consider the acronym SNOWBALL from the Utah Maternal Mental Health Collaborative (now PSI-Utah):

Sleep

Nutrition

Omega 3s

Walk

Baby Breaks

Adult Time

Liquids

Laughter

SLEEP: We all need sleep to be able to function physically, mentally, and emotionally. Offering to watch the baby during the day so that Mom can get a decent stretch of sleep can go a long way for her mental and physical health.

NUTRITION: Vitamins and supplements help ensure that Mom is getting all the nutrients she needs in her diet, especially if she is breastfeeding. Balanced and nutritious meals are another way to help Mom maintain her physical and mental health, but preparing meals require time and energy, something not always readily available for a new mother. Help a mom meal prep or bring her a nutritious meal to share with her family.

OMEGA3s: Encourage Mom to take a fish oil supplement which can prevent and treat anxiety and depression.

WALK: Take Mom for a walk or invite her to do something active. Exercise improves not only physical but mental and emotional health and gives new moms an opportunity to get out of the house.

BABY BREAKS: Offer to watch the baby, even if it’s for a short time. Doing this gives Mom a break and time to focus on herself and engage in some precious self-care.

ADULT TIME: Invite Mom do to something with you and other adults. We need social interaction, outside of children, to share how we feel and find connection. 

LIQUIDS: Remind Mom to drink and fill up her water for her. Dehydration can escalate symptoms of anxiety and depression. 

LAUGHTER: Send Mom a funny video, talk with her lightheartedly, and remind her to play. Laughter can help alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression (Utah Maternal Mental Health Collaborative, 2015).

If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of a Maternal Mental Health Disorder, reach out to a Mental Health Professional or Medical Doctor. If you or someone you care about is in crisis please consider calling these available resources:

UNI’s Crisis Line:  (801) 587-3000

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Postpartum Support International HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773 or Text Message: 503-894-9453

Utah Maternal Mental Health Collaborative (2015). Moms mental health matters. Retrieved from  https://www.psiutah.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/UMMHCWellnesstips.docx.pdf