The Birds and The Bees: How Porn Impacts Life and Love in the Real World

The Birds and The Bees: How Porn Impacts Life and Love in the Real World

By Adam Nisenson, LAMFT, CSAT-C

“There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person. 

In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of 

the person, but that it shows far too little.”

-Pope John Paul II

When it comes to sex and relationships, there is no one normal. Many forms of sexual expression can take place within and outside of healthy, functional relationships. But sex can also be used in harmful ways. Does watching pornography lead to unhealthy views of sex and relationships? It’s an important question, since pornography is incredibly prevalent. The popular online site PornHub released its year-in-review statistics: over 42 billion site visits. That’s an average of 115 million visits each day.

This is an unprecedented situation. The widespread availability means that young people are learning about sex from pornography. Adults have unlimited access to a vast array of material that would have been unthinkable to previous generations. This has created an inaccurate and skewed view of what real sex and making love is, and that may be leading some men to seek out the kinds of sex they see on screen rather than the intimacy and true love that we deeply need as human beings. 

In addition to its prevalence, pornography is controversial. Despite—or maybe because of—its popularity, pornography has long been considered unhealthy and dangerous, with the state of Utah even officially calling it “a public health hazard” in 2016.  Supreme Court Justice Potter famously said of pornography, “I know it when I see it,” but it’s hard to know whether or not it actually causes harm. 

 Both research and public opinion have come to various conclusions. This uncertainty means that individuals may be the final arbiter of how porn use affects them. If you worry that you might have an unhealthy relationship with pornography, take a look at the potential negative impacts and ask yourself honestly if they apply to you. The messages in many porn films play into the Big Lie -- that being sexually dominant is a key part of masculinity and that female pleasure doesn’t matter (and perhaps that size does).

 Porn Does Not Show Real Sex

With the advent of the internet, porn has become incredibly easy to access, and that means it is where more and more young people learn their first lessons about sex. Nowadays, learning about sex from other kids on the playground sounds almost wholesome by comparison. And porn is probably less accurate about real sex than the neighborhood kids of time gone by. Pornography tends to feature people with specific body types having sex in positions that look good on camera but may not be comfortable in real life while making lots of noise. In reality, people have a much greater diversity of body types, enjoy sex in positions that may not work on camera, and may not express their satisfaction as loudly as porn stars do. People in porn films also typically do not use condoms, which may contribute to the idea that safe sex is not sexy -- a myth that can have serious consequences.

Real-world sex tends to contradict the myths of the Big Lie, while porn reinforces them. In pornography, women are depicted as existing only to satisfy men’s desires, which contributes to misogynistic cultural attitudes. As sociologist Julia Long puts it, “one of the things that pornography does extremely efficiently is provide an endless flow of narratives of women being treated as objects, violated, or ‘done to’.”

Given the pervasiveness of these ideas about sex and women, men can adopt them without even realizing it.  If you’re concerned about your own pornography use, ask yourself what your ideas about “good sex” are and whether porn has contributed to them. 

Impact on Relationships

Research into the impact of porn on relationships has found mixed results. While an early study suggested that porn viewing made men lose interest in their partners, more recent studies found that wasn’t the case. Starting to watch porn, however, has been found to predict divorce, although the cause and effect relationship is not clear.  Another men who watched pornography were less satisfied with their sex lives. Other studies have looked at the relationship between pornography use and infidelity. Couples that don’t watch porn at all have lower rates of cheating, while porn viewing was associated with less relationship satisfaction and higher levels of infidelity.

What is clear is that pornography presents an unrealistic view of women and sex. Some men may be able to keep in mind that porn presents a fantasy and don’t let watching interfere with their enjoyment of real life. Others, however, may find that spending so much time in fantasy makes the real world -- real women, real sex-- seem unsatisfactory by comparison. If that sounds like you, it may be time to scale back your viewing and perhaps talk with a therapist about how porn is impacting you.

Porn Use and Sex Addiction

We know that lots of people watch porn. For a smaller number, use rises to the level of addiction that has been compared to drug addiction. One study found that the striatum, an area of the brain involved in reward, was smaller in people who watched a lot of porn, although it is not clear if this was a cause or effect. Another study looked at the brains of three of the same areas were activated as when drug addicts were shown drug stimuli. Men without CSB didn’t show this activation pattern.

If you find yourself struggling with porn addiction or compulsive sexual behavior -- or are wondering if you have it -- seeing a therapist, particularly one who specializes in or is familiar with sex addiction, can help you understand and change your behavior. Therapy can also help alter any harmful views you may have absorbed about sex, relationships, or women. 

Does Pornography Lead to Violence?

Some people have wondered whether excessive porn viewing makes individuals more likely to commit sex crimes. Research has shown that, in societies where pornography was made legal after being illegal, the rate of sex crimes actually went down. But research by Neil Malamuth found that, while excessive porn use is not a sole cause of sexual violence, it increases the odds that an individual with such inclinations will commit sex crimes .

Whether or not porn contributes to actual violence, it certainly contains a lot of images of it. And those images can have a profound effect on how men view women. For young people whose “sex education” is coming from these films, the lesson that violence against women is acceptable and even desirable can have dire consequences. While Michael Castleman points out that many scenes of violence in porn are in the context of consensual BDSM scenarios, this distinction may be lost on most young people. 

Healthy Porn Use

But pornography can also be part of a healthy sex life. While men who watch porn alone report lower satisfaction in their relationships, partners who watch together are more sexually satisfied and more committed to each other. In this way, porn can be something that is enjoyed together and contributes to a loving, dedicated relationship. Used like this, porn is not an escape from the real world but a fantasy that a couple can share. 

Some people watch porn without negative impacts on their beliefs or behaviors. If you’re in a relationship and wondering if porn is a problem, ask your partner. In addition to evaluating your own porn use, you can open up communication with your partner to see how they feel it impacts your relationship.

Real Love in the Real World

Sex does not equal love, but you can make love while having sex. Understanding sex as something that happens in the real world with a real person is part of building a loving, reciprocal relationship that is very different from the ones portrayed in porn films. 

Technology has made porn ubiquitous and advances in virtual reality will likely increase its appeal. It’s not going anywhere. But we can look critically at porn’s messages and how they impact us. We can control what we watch, how much we watch, and whether we watch at all.

B.L.A.S.T. - Five Feelings that Impair Decision Making and Lower Resolve

B.L.A.S.T.— Five Feelings That Impair Decision Making and Lower Resolve

By Ben Kroff, LMFT

When discussing in therapy sessions ways to overcome various challenges, it is easy to imagine implementing our new insights and ideas in real-time. Why then, do we find ourselves not applying our well-laid plans long-term? Why, when in the heat of the moment, do we act opposite of what we know would be best?

The following five feelings act like clouds of confusion that can impair judgment and lower our resolve, even after making a decision.

Bored —We can all relate to going to the fridge and looking for “whatever” because we have a gap in our schedule and nothing to do. Kids who get into trouble at school have found creative ways to manage their boredom, whether with spit wads, teasing their classmates, or scratching their names into their desks. What do you do when you are bored? What vice do you entertain to help fill the time? Be careful of this moment in time; you may not be making the wisest use of it. 

Lonely —“No one cares about me anyway.” When we feel isolated, disconnected, or alone, we are more likely to engage in undesired self-soothing behaviors. We may feel at liberty to indulge because there is no accountability, no one to report to, to check in with, or seek validation from. When you are feeling tempted to engage in an unhealthy compulsion, consider who you might call, pay a visit, or reach out to. Connecting with others can remind us that we are cared for and that others support and believe in us. 

Angry — Our limbic or “reptilian” brain takes over when we are flooded with strong emotions like anger. During this time the executive functioning part of our brain, where we make decisions based on reason and logic, becomes inhibited. Understanding this, we are not surprised that such terrible decisions are made in anger. Breaking things, saying hurtful words, driving recklessly, or walking off a job are examples of regrettable decisions that are made when angry. Paying attention to our behavior can reveal our anger and act as a warning sign that we need to calm down and reconsider before acting. 

Stressed — When we’re stressed, it’s surprising how quickly we can consume unhealthy snacks. Have you ever watched a tense movie and found out you not only ate the popcorn in 30 seconds but the bucket is missing as well? Like anger, stress increases our limbic brain activity where we act on emotion and reduces our executive functioning or “thinking” part of our brain. Using grounding and calming techniques like deep breathing, physical touch, or even a quick meditation can lower our stress and shift our thinking back to the present where we can make safer, healthier decisions. 

Tired - Hundreds of recent studies have highlighted the dangerous effects of sleep deprivation. Our brains literally starve when we don’t get adequate rest. Making critical decisions when we are tired can lead to poor outcomes. Before deciding to quit a job, leave or start a relationship, or make that spontaneous purchase, make sure you are rested. Even 10 to 15 minutes of sleep can reset our mood, increase our resolve and help us manage tasks and relationships with increased clarity and confidence.

Remember these five feelings by memorizing the acronym “BLAST”, and consider measuring your status in each category when you find yourself making important decisions. Like a quick pro-con list, this exercise in self-awareness could be the gate protecting you from facing future regret.

Ben Kroff is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Ben, you can email him at ben@theeftclinic.com or call our scheduling line at 385-695-5949.

I Feel Betrayed, Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I Feel Betrayed, Should I Stay or

Should I Go?

By Joanna Alvord, LMFT, MBA

“If you start to feel that you have given up too many parts of yourself to be with your partner, then one day you will end up looking for another person in order to reconnect with those lost parts.“ - Esther Perel

One of my favorite authors on infidelity and betrayal is the renowned sex and relationship therapist Esther Perel. Based on decades of her psychotherapy experience, she truly believes and is adamant that many marriages can recover from the blow of betrayal. That is great news! However, Esther also expresses concern over stigma the betrayed partner may face in our modern society, should they choose to stay with an unfaithful partner.

In her talks and books on infidelity, Perel deals with the unbearable pain of fractured relationships with intense honesty and compassion and offers her clients astute and direct perceptions. Although her frank methods can seem eccentric to some, if my marriage was in trouble, I’d want her help. 

What are the most common types of affairs? 

The reality is an “affair” no longer means only a sexual intimate extramarital relationship. Times have changed. We marry for different reasons nowadays. Divorce laws have changed in the last decades. Infidelity isn’t black and white any longer; it comes in all shades of gray today. One common theme is the secrecy. Some types of infidelity can be:

·        Physical/sexual affair; when one partner has sex outside of the relationship. Studies show men have a harder time forgiving a sexual affair than women do. At the same time, women may be more likely to forgive when emotions are not involved.

·        Virtual affair; when trust violation is committed through chats and sexts. This may include the viewing of pornography.

·        Emotional affair; when one partner becomes emotionally attached to someone else. Sex is not always part of the emotional affair.

·        Outside interest affair; when one neglects the relationship to pursue an outside interest to a point of near-obsession. That can include obsessive hobbies or addictions such as gambling.

Knowing what your spouse views as infidelity is key to maintaining your marital or commitment vows, so talk with your partner. Attending premarital or couples therapy can help in discussing views and expectations around monogamy to avoid future disagreements or hurt.

Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.” So why part of you may be asking everyday: “Should I stay, or should I go?’, I would challenge you to look deeper.

Can a marriage heal after an affair?

While betrayal can bring unbearable pain, research shows it can be healed. As Perel emphasizes based on her experience, “an affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.”

I also resonate with Perel’s observations that “today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did”. Just realizing how much hope and expectation we have put into our partner—where perhaps we should have been providing for ourselves—is key.

Also, let me note that affairs do have a lot to teach us about contemporary relationships; our wants, desires, entitlements, or even our dares. They offer a unique peek into our attitudes about relationships, lust, and commitment; unquestionably all viewed from our personal and cultural lens. What is acceptable to you is utterly unacceptable to another. What once was unacceptable to you, under today’s circumstances, can be accepted, or vice versa.

How can I decide if I should stay in the relationship?

Of course, there is always the next step to consider when facing issues of infidelity in your relationship. Do you stay with this person or not? In some cases, that question may be answered for you, with your partner leaving the relationship. Or, it may be you feeling that it is necessary for the relationship to end; perhaps your partner isn’t willing to end the extramarital affair or face their addiction. Another option is for you try to work with your partner in processing the experience, however painful, and perhaps find a way to stay together… in a new way.

Whatever you decide, make sure that you have considered the pros and cons of all options. This is where working with a therapist can be helpful. You shouldn’t have to go through this pain alone.

Infidelity of a spouse can be a traumatic experience for anyone to face. It can trigger emotions and safety concerns. However, it is something you can get through, provided are able to process it yourself, and you have the support during this difficult time.

Perel, E. (2018). The state of affairs. Rethinking infidelity. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, LLC.

Joanna Alvord is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City, Utah. If you would like to schedule an appointment with Joanna, you can email joanna@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.