Do I Matter?

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Do I Matter?

Ben Kroff, LMFT

If you've never seen "The Still Face Experiment," please click the link or scroll down to view it now! It will forever change the way you interact with your children, grandchildren, or significant other. The video shows how distressing it is for an infant to feel disconnected from a caregiver. The visible distress that overtakes the little ones is heartbreaking and incredibly insightful! 

Human beings are designed to thrive through connection to other human beings. As mature adults, we cannot pretend that we no longer need this connection. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, there is something known as the “$64 million dollar question”. That question is, "Do I matter?" What happens when we feel like we don't matter? We fall into distress just like the little babies did in the "Still Face Experiment" and we begin fussing and crying out for attention.

Have you ever been on a phone call and had your little one immediately begin tugging at your pant leg? They have sensed your shift in attention. You are no longer available so they begin doing all they can to get you reconnected to them. 

What are you doing to reassure those who you value that you are available and responsive to them? Do you see how desperately they are trying to get you to connect? Notice the similarity of the parents' facial expression when they are non-responsive to their children. Now picture what your face may look like if you are glued to your phone or otherwise distracted while your child makes a bid for your attention. I imagine it looks very similar to the still face of the parents in the video. 

Let's practice putting down our distractions, turning toward each other, and connecting. Let's look at our loved ones when they speak to us. Let's show by our focused attention to others that they matter to us. This small change will do miracles in calming the conflict in our relationships. 

Ben is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at the EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. To schedule an appointment with Ben, you can email ben@theeftclinic.com or call 385-695-5949.

Creating an Environment for Growth and Change

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Creating an Environment for Growth and Change

Liza Telford, MFT Intern

In 2002, Nelson Mandela addressed the United Nations during a special session regarding the welfare of children world-wide.  He said, “history will judge us by the difference we make in the everyday lives of children. The real work will only begin once we return home” (2002, Mandela).  He went on to encourage the leaders to return to their various corners of the earth and take the actions necessary to make this discussion live beyond the day. This speech resonates with me when I think about seeing young clients and their families.  It is keenly important to make the hour I spend with a parent and child an experience that invites them to return home and keep the process “live.”  

It is the belief of experiential therapists that change occurs through a growth experience (Costa, 1991) and not only through intellectual interpretation or insight.  It is through “openness, self-awareness, spontaneity, freedom of expression, creativity, action, intuition, self-fulfillment, process, confrontation, and personal integrity are valued rather than theory” (p. 3). These values constitute the essence of the experiential approach to families.  

According to Kolomeyer and Renk (2016), when seeing children with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), it is important to select an intervention that takes both biological and environmental influences into account. Emotionally Focused Therapy examines both the biological and environmental factors at play for a family and allows a safe and secure space to explore the role Anxiety is playing in keeping the family stuck.

Storytelling is one example of an intervention that promotes an emotionally focused experience.  Bowlby (1977a) stated that the early attachments formed within families are very important because they fulfill critical safety and security needs. Asking a parent to tell their child a story about their life invites the child to experience the emotion through the words and imagery of the story.  There is potential for emotional connection and expressing sentiment that the child has not heard from the parent before.

When Nelson Mandela spoke to members of the UN that day, he did not expect them to make changes for the children during that very lunch hour, but rather to be moved enough by their experience that they would feel inspired to make lasting changes when they arrived home.  Similarly, I want to facilitate experiences with families that inspire them to continue after our sessions to create safe attachments, connection, and a secure place to explore and express emotion.   

References

Bowlby, J. (1977a). The making and breaking of affectional bonds, I. British Journal of Psychiatry,/50, 201-210. 

Costa, L. (1991). Family sculpting in the training of marriage and family.. Counselor Education & Supervision, 31(2), 121. Retrieved from http://libproxy.edmc.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx direct=true&db=a9h&AN=9707085681&site=ehost-live 

Kolomeyer, E., & Renk, K. (2016). Family-Based Cognitive–behavioral Therapy for an Intelligent, Elementary School-Aged Child With Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Clinical Case Studies, 15(6), 443–458. https://doi-org.libproxy.edmc.edu/10.1177/1534650116668046