"I'm Not Mad!"

“I’M NOT MAD!”
The critical role of anger in the healing process.

by Ben Kroff, LMFT

I was getting destroyed by my brother. There was nothing I could do to return his quick hits, impossible spins, and relentless assaults. I was going to lose again. He was simply a more skilled and experienced ping-pong player than I was. I was quickly losing my composure, my mind, my body, and my emotions were unraveling under the distress of trying to compete against an older and more accomplished opponent.

Noticing my increasing despair and frustration, my brother began laughing. “Ha ha, you’re getting mad.” In my 15 year-old cockiness, I denied his assertion. “I’m not mad,” I calmly replied, trying to maintain a cool, collected exterior. I wasn’t fooling anyone. He could still sense my duress and continued to chuckle as I would make increasing expressions of anger about my impending demise.

I was afraid. I was frustrated. I was embarrassed that I was losing, and ashamed of my inferior skills. I wondered if I would ever be as good as him, or if I should ever attempt to play this stupid game again. I questioned why I was so gullible as to agree to engage in this exercise of futility in the first place. I began to question my life’s decisions, and even my worth as person. Why did I decide to enter into a relationship where I am now feeling beaten, embarrassed and inadequate?

That is what was really happening. Those were the difficult emotions that I was feeling swirling around in my head and heart, and literally coursing through my veins (or my nervous system, to be more scientifically accurate). That is what I was feeling. But how would I know that, let alone express that in the heat of battle? All I could say to my brother in response to his astute observation is, “I’M NOT MAD!”

Being “mad” or feeling anger is a secondary emotion. It is a response to a primary emotion, or a deeper emotion. When we are feeling or expressing anger, we are experiencing a response to pain. When we stub a toe we yell out in pain; we feel angry that we are hurt. We respond the same way to emotional pain. We may feel embarrassed, lonely, forgotten, rejected, dismissed, overlooked, unloved, left out, confused, etc., and we respond by getting angry.

It is often hard to recognize those deeper, softer, primary emotions, but it is easy to recognize anger. This is why anger is so important! Anger sends up a red flag. It tells us, “Hey, I’m hurt!” When we can notice anger for what it is — a pain response — we can pause, be curious, discover the deeper primary emotion that is hurt, and begin to heal.

To learn more about these important secondary or deeper emotions, and learn how to use anger to discover pain and begin healing, call and schedule with me today.

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Ben is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic. He specializes in working with struggling teens, young adults, and families. With a background of serving youth in custody, Ben has successfully helped clients deal with addiction, aggression, decision making, relationship management, and self-esteem. In addition to Emotionally Focused Therapy, he is experienced in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Aggression Replacement Training.
To schedule an appointment, email ben@theeftclinic.com or call (385)695-5949.

Stepfamily Success

Stepfamily Success

by Marianne Vaughn, LMFT

Every family has challenges, but stepfamilies face distinct challenges that are built into the architecture of the stepfamily life. Recently, a couple shared with me, “We never knew we could be so happy in marriage! We were so hopeful that with this new beginning, we could finally have the kind of marriage and family we have always wanted. But our challenges as a stepfamily feel overwhelming, and we feel discouraged and stuck.” This sentiment is common, and we can find clarity as we understand how first-time families and stepfamilies are different, as well as the challenges that stepfamilies universally face. 

When we take on a new endeavor, we tend to draw from what we already know. Often, new stepcouples naturally use their experience in first-time families to guide them in building a new stepfamily. When all their love, hopes, and good intentions seem to be in vain, confusion and discouragement can set in. As we address the key differences between first-time families and stepfamilies in therapy, I often hear couples say with relief, “No wonder it’s been so difficult. We have been trying so hard, but we just didn’t have the right blueprint!” 

First-Time Family vs. Stepfamily Blueprints

In first-time families, the couple has time together without children to connect, create shared patterns, and iron out wrinkles in their relationship. Children are born hard-wired for attachment with each of their parents, and parents are hard-wired for connection with their children. New babies join the family with no preconceived notions about families, open to learning and growing within the family. 

If a first-time family separates, each member of the family experiences losses. Also, new traditions evolve. One family shared with me that in mom’s new home, the kids delighted in nightly dance parties with her in the kitchen before bed. When all goes well, single-parent families adjust to new roles and patterns within this new structure.

Challenge #1: Insider/Outsider Positions

When a stepparent joins the single-parent family, they enter as an outsider; the single parent and the children are the insiders, and often these bonds have become very close. This presents challenges that many couples don’t anticipate. Couples who are deeply in love and yearn for children to readily accept a stepparent may feel disappointed by a child’s resistance. A parent might feel when hurt or discouraged when the stepparent doesn’t adore their stepchildren children like the parent does. A stepparent may feel unimportant to their spouse as they tend to the needs of their biological children.

The insider/outsider challenge begins early on for stepcouples, and the stepfamily structure can reinforce and maintain them. It is a dynamic that endures but can be lessened over time. 

How to Soften Insider/Outsider Positions

• It is imperative for partners to discuss their feelings about their insider and outsider positions openly with each other. This lends comfort and support to each partner and strengthens the relationship. The difficult feelings that come with these positions do not go away when left alone. They can only be resolved by intentionally talking about them together. 

• Normalize behavior that goes along with insider/outsider roles in stepfamilies, rather than pathologizing the behavior. It’s predictable and normal for outsiders to feel neglected. It’s normal for insiders to feel divided and anxious as they balance taking care of all the people they love within a stepfamily. 

• Intentionally create one-on-one time. Each individual relationship in a stepfamily needs opportunities to connect. Not only do couples need time alone together. Also, parents need to make one-on-one time with each child, and stepparents need one-on-one time with each stepchild.

• Creating patterns, traditions and memories that include everyone in the stepfamily can strengthen each relationship. Going to the library with young children and going on a hike with older children are examples of ways to appeal to a range of ages. Also, family activities like vacations that everyone enjoys can bring unity and positive memories to strengthen the family as a whole. 

If you are feeling stuck in an insider or outsider position, or if other stepfamily dynamics feel overwhelming, a skilled therapist can help to facilitate open communication, resolve differences, or to heal old wounds so that adjusting to stepfamily life can feel easier. 

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Marianne is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Lehi, Utah, and believes in the value of healthy, supportive relationships for ideal individual, couple and family functioning. Specializing in couples therapy, she uses her advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to strengthen connections and heal from relational pain. Marianne is especially passionate about helping her clients with divorce adjustment, remarriage and stepfamilies.

Baby Blues

Are You Suffering from the Baby Blues?

by Carina Wolf, LCSW

Postpartum Depression is a type of depression someone might develop after the birth of their baby. It can start any time after the birth, and last up to two years. We also know that some individuals can develop symptoms during their pregnancy, which is called Perinatal Mood Disorder.

Is there a difference between Postpartum Depression and Baby Blues?

Baby Blues are short term, with most women seeing improvement after about three weeks. Symptoms such as irritability, feeling overwhelmed, weeping and exhaustion are tolerable, meaning the emotional instability doesn’t interfere with caring for the baby or themselves. About 80% of women will experience symptoms of Baby Blues.

Postpartum Depression, however, lasts longer (up to two years after the birth of baby). Symptoms are usually more severe, and can include excessive worrying, feeling anxious, anger, disconnection from family and/or baby, irritability, agitation, appetite change, sleep changes (not being able to sleep when baby sleeps, or sleeping too much), tearfulness, difficulty concentrating, guilt or shame. This can lead moms to have a difficult time caring for the baby or for themselves.  About 10-20% women experience Postpartum Depression.

Some women might also develop panic, PTSD, OCD and/or Postpartum Psychosis.

• Some signs of panic include feeling worried, nervous and/or anxious most of the time. Some individuals might also experience panic attacks, which can often feel like having a heart attack.

• PTSD might develop during the pregnancy or following a childbirth that has been perceived as a traumatic experience. 

• OCD symptoms can include intrusive or disturbing thoughts. There is usually a hyper-vigilance about keeping the baby safe, which leads to repetitive actions in order to reduce fear.

• Although Postpartum Psychosis occurs less frequently (in about 1% to 3% women), it requires immediate intervention. Symptoms can include hallucinations, inability to sleep, strange beliefs, rapid mood changes, agitation, irritability and/or poor decision making. 

Who is at risk?

• Data shows that teenage moms are at a higher risk to experience postpartum depression than older moms. It is important to note, however, that all women, and sometimes even fathers, can experience perinatal mood disorders.

• Individuals who struggled with mental health issues previously are also at a higher risk to experience postpartum depression.

If you or a loved one experience any of the symptoms mentioned, please reach out for help. Know that you are not alone, and that with professional guidance symptoms can decrease. Talk to your medical provider and seek professional counseling with someone who is trained to understand perinatal mood disorders.

Another important resource is the Maternal Mental Health organization in Utah:
https://mihp.utah.gov/maternal-mental-health

I would love to help, too! I am trained in perinatal mood disorders and would be honored to work with you. You can reach me by emailing carina[@]theeftclinic.com.

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References:

https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/understanding-postpartum-depression-basics#1

https://www.psiutah.org/emotional-health/signs-symtoms/

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Carina is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. She earned her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, and her Masters of Social Work degree. Carina has great passion for therapy, and strives to provide a safe and non-judgmental environment where individuals and couples are met with empathy. She uses a client-centered approach to meet each individual’s needs. Using approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and mindfulness, Carina helps clients realize that when they know better they do better.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Carina, please call 385-695-5949 or email carina@theeftclinic.com.

Talking to Kids about an Affair

How to
Talk

to
Your Kids
about an
Affair

by Dr. Christine Holding, LMFT

What do we tell the kids? This is a common question that comes up in therapy and is a tricky one to navigate. Some parents wonder if it’s harmful to share any information about a parent’s affair, while others are tempted to sit the kids down and reveal all. Ask yourself what is appropriate and when the best time is to reveal details about an affair. As painful as it may be, children are typically more aware than given credit and may require an explanation if they see evidence of infidelity or overhear conversations and arguments about an affair. Also, children may potentially be confronted with questions from friends or neighbors, or hear about the affair on social media. Listen carefully to your child’s questions and give timely, age-appropriate responses that help the child.  For example, your children may ask, “Why are you and Dad going to counseling every week?” or “Are you and Mom getting divorced?”  When this happens, it is best to sit down with your children together and answer their questions simply and honestly.  An honest answer doesn’t mean giving all the details, but answering in a way that your child feels heard, reassured and comforted.

Here are a few examples of questions with age appropriate responses:

• A preschooler may ask: “Why are you sad, Mommy?”
  Answer:  “We all feel sad sometimes.” “Mommy and Daddy are working on a problem that has nothing to do with you.  We both love you very much.”

• A grade-schooler may ask: “What’s happening with you and Mom? You seem mad a lot.”
  Answer:  “What have you noticed or heard that makes you worried?”  “Mom and I are working together to solve a difficult issue. We love our family and want to work things out.” “We hope you will talk to us when you feel concerned.”

• A teenager may ask: “I heard you had an affair? Are you and Dad getting divorced?”
  Answer: “I made a mistake and had a romantic relationship with someone other than your dad. Some details are private and not appropriate to share, but I am committed to working through this with your dad. I want us to be able to talk about this and you can come to me with your questions.”

 Three things to avoid when sharing information about an affair with children:

• First, avoid giving unsolicited information. Give information on a need-to-know and age-appropriate basis. The reason to talk about the affair and answer questions is to create safety for your children and not to help you process the affair or feel like you have a confidant (seek professional help or a friend). Therefore, listen carefully to questions and be curious about what they are really asking. Usually, a child is asking for reassurance rather than details.

• Second, avoid asking children to keep secrets. Share only information you are comfortable with them sharing with their friends, teachers, and relatives.  It’s fine to talk about keeping family conversations confidential, but there should be no expectation of secrecy or punishment if a child shares outside the family. This may be a sign that your child is seeking support.

• Third, avoid speaking for the other parent. Children should never be used as pawns to hurt a betraying partner or to win support. Most children love both parents and feel loyalty to both parents. Whenever possible, allow the person who had the affair to answer questions about the relationship. If this isn’t possible, answer questions simply and honestly but without condemnation. Asking children to choose between parents can create fear, confusion, and insecurity for the child. Avoid having a “Team Mom” and “Team Dad.”

What children want most is to know that that they can count on loving parents to be accessible and responsive to their needs. By limiting exposure to details, discussing fears, and consistently reassuring children of your love and commitment to the family, you can create an atmosphere of safety and emotional security for your children during a difficult time.  

If you have questions or need help working through an affair, please contact The EFT Clinic at 385-695-5949 or info@theeftclinic.com. We are here to help.

For further ideas about healing from an affair, I recommend “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity” by Shirley P. Glass, PhD.

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Dr. Christine Holding is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert who specializes in helping couples build loving and secure relationships. She is the co-owner of The EFT Clinic for Couples and Families, and the owner of Sunlight Family Therapy located in Millcreek, UT and Jackson, WY. She is honored to have received in 2021, for the fourth consecutive year, The Best of Salt Lake City Award for Marriage and Family Therapy. Christine is a nationally approved supervisor by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and an internationally certified supervisor for Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the most effective research-based couples therapy available today. She has advanced training in crisis response and in the treatment of trauma survivors. Christine loves teaching and training professionals, students and the public about the universal need for love and connection.

Call or Email our office today to schedule a session with one of our incredible therapists.

Please Fix My Kid

Please Fix My Kid

By Ben Kroff, LMFT

When our cars aren’t working well or something is broken, we are fortunate to be able to simply drop the car off at the mechanic and let them solve the problem; they do their mechanic magic and call us when it’s all fixed and ready to go. It would be AWESOME if we could drop our kids off at therapy, let the therapist do their thing and have them call us when our child is ready to listen, cooperate, get out of bed, go to school, get good grades, treat their siblings better and make better choices.  

Unfortunately, kid problems are more complex than car problems. When a child starts exhibiting symptoms of distress, whether they are behavioral, emotional or psychological, we need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. What is happening in their home environment, social circle, or academic setting? When our child is displaying problem behaviors, it is a sign that something in their environment needs to change. Just as pain in our bodies are signals that we need to change something, if your child is in pain, or if they are causing you pain, it is a sign that something in his or her environment needs to change. Often this change is not something that the child alone is going to be able to accomplish, even with the help of a qualified therapist. The child is part of a larger system that is impacting his or her mental health. The best chance for successful change will be found when working with the child’s most significant relationships.

When waiting for our car to be serviced we can enjoy flipping through magazines, scrolling through Facebook or even eating popcorn in the waiting room; if you are taking your child to therapy and are enjoying quiet time in the waiting room or running errands during their session I would invite you to reconsider how this time is spent. If the therapist hasn’t invited you into the room, ask if you can join. There is much to be gained in joining your child in their pain, in seeking to support and understand and be involved in their recovery. Maybe not every session will be appropriate for family members to join and your child and their therapist can identify those times, but more often than not great work can be done by bringing the child’s significant relationships—like their relationship with their parents—into the therapy office together.

Ultimately, healing comes through nurturing connection. If your therapist has not offered this approach or doesn’t feel comfortable with involving more of the family in therapy, you may want to look into switching your child to a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). These therapists are trained in therapeutic models that incorporate this larger, systemic family approach. At the EFT Clinic many of our clinicians are LMFT’s and all of our therapists have been trained in relational Emotionally Focused Therapy. We look forward to helping you and your loved ones.

Ben Kroff is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic in Salt Lake City and Lehi, Utah. To schedule an appointment with Ben, email ben@theeftclinic.com or call our office at 385-695-5949.