Romantic Love vs. Lasting Connection and Bonding

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Romantic Love vs. Lasting Connection and Bonding

Ed Peterson LCSW, MBA

Romantic Love versus Lasting Connection and Bonding

Dr Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, wrote in her book Hold Me Tight, “Love has an immense ability to help heal the devastating wounds that life sometimes deals us. Love also enhances our sense of connection to the larger world. Loving responsiveness is the foundation of a truly compassionate, civilized society.” 

You are so right Sue!

We long to hold on to the romantic sentiments of the early days of our relationships. We begin these relationships with the highest hopes - hopes of finding true love and connection. Then we find “that” person and we experience delicious drunk-like feelings – we feel “completed” – it feels so good. We long to hold onto this bliss - we naturally crave love and connection and when we get a taste of it (especially the passion) we are drawn to it passionately – we want it night and day.

But in this quest we are confused - we are trying to control the uncontrollable.

We think we know what we want. But we’re lost in a chemical soup that our brain loves – it’s a dopamine and oxytocin party! we’re drunk on love.

We’re flying blind toward a buzz saw - a collision course toward disappointment.

But the good news is that all is not lost! In fact, nothing is actually wrong. We are just on the predictable path from romantic love toward real love – now a real relationship can emerge. 

The trick is to be aware. Without awareness we are doomed to conclude that when the ecstatic and drug- like feelings are what we most want - we could then tragically conclude that the answer is to find a new partner, a new love – one who will bring back the magic.

But, actually, we are now at the beginning of a real relationship – a place where wisdom and sacrifice and joy and connection live - but so often we don’t see the opportunity - the grass seems greener somewhere else, with someone else.

The IRONY is that we are now actually fact-to-face with a real person who we can learn to truly love and cherish. Now true and lasting love can emerge. 


Ed Peterson is an LCSW, MBA practicing at the EFT Clinic. Would you like more from Ed? Call our office to schedule an appointment with Ed or visit www.petersonfamilytherapy.com/seminar to learn about upcoming Seminars presented by Ed and Candace Peterson.

Do I Matter?

Do I Matter?

Ben Kroff, MFT Intern

Do I matter? 

If you've never seen "The Still Face Experiment," please click the link or scroll down to view it now! It will forever change the way you interact with your children, grandchildren, or significant other. The video shows how distressing it is for an infant to feel disconnected from a caregiver. The visible distress that overtakes the little ones is heartbreaking and incredibly insightful! 

Human beings are designed to thrive through connection to other human beings. As mature adults, we cannot pretend that we no longer need this connection. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, there is something known as the “$64 million dollar question”. That question is, "Do I matter?" What happens when we feel like we don't matter? We fall into distress just like the little babies did in the "Still Face Experiment" and we begin fussing and crying out for attention.

Have you ever been on a phone call and had your little one immediately begin tugging at your pant leg? They have sensed your shift in attention. You are no longer available so they begin doing all they can to get you reconnected to them. 

What are you doing to reassure those who you value that you are available and responsive to them? Do you see how desperately they are trying to get you to connect? Notice the similarity of the parents' facial expression when they are non-responsive to their children. Now picture what your face may look like if you are glued to your phone or otherwise distracted while your child makes a bid for your attention. I imagine it looks very similar to the still face of the parents in the video. 

Let's practice putting down our distractions, turning toward each other, and connecting. Let's look at our loved ones when they speak to us. Let's show by our focused attention to others that they matter to us. This small change will do miracles in calming the conflict in our relationships. 

Ben is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern at the EFT Clinic. He is currently accepting new clients. Call our office today to schedule an appointment with Ben.

3 Steps to Successful Step Parenting

3 Steps to Successful Step Parenting

Dr. Christine Holding LMFT

3 Steps to Successful Step Parenting

The other day a discouraged couple shared in their session,“We are discouraged, it seems we can’t do anything right when it comes to helping our children adjust to our marriage.” This couple is realizing that blending two families together is much more challenging than expected.  If you are facing similar difficulties, here are three steps parents and step-parents can take to make the transition to a new blended family a little smoother:

Step 1: Slow Down. Forming new attachments takes time. Try not to get discouraged if  happily ever after doesn’t happen immediately.  Love grows slowly over time so expect some rejection initially and try to keep sense of humor.  Researchers point out that “Themes of rejection and abandonment are common for children of divorced parents and also common among stepparents. In the early stages of a developing a stepfamily, stepparents are the “outsiders” both historically and emotionally (The Emotionally Focused Therapy Casebook by Susan Johnson and Brent Bradley, p 282).” Be patient. It can take several years for new family roots to take told and grow.  

Step 2: Work As A Team. Whenever possible, let the child’s biological parent do the disciplining and set the boundaries.  A step-parent’s role can be that of a mentor, a friend, and a role model. Work together with your new spouse to decide house rules that work for everyone and to create structure in the home; this will help you maintain a united front. Check in with the family regularly to hear concerns and validate that figuring out a new way for the family to be together is up to everyone. Everyone plays a part and has a voice in the new family.  

Step 3: Strengthen Your Marriage.  Finally, remember why you are doing this work. One of the major mistakes made by many couples with stepchildren is to focus on the distress in the forming of a new family and as a result, the couple relationship if sometimes forgotten. Nurturing the marriage often helps smooth out parenting challenges. Over time, your love and commitment to each other will motivate children to accept newly established structures. Keep your love alive and healthy, date regularly, and express your affection for each other in the presence of the children.

With time these few simple steps can create more realistic expectations for blended families. For additional suggestions for stepparents, I recommend Step Parenting: Everything You Need to Know to Make It Work by Jeanette Lofas and Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Susan Johnson.